Good morning,everyone This is your very handsome captain Hitler welcoming you to Nowhere Airways. Sorry we are four days late in taking off but I had to do some overtime at the bakery. This is our... one, two, ummmmm.... sixth flight to New York. We cannot guarantee that we will end up in there but rest assured it will be somewhere in the East. And if we are very lucky we may even be landing exactly in New York! A real American will land where he wants to, isn't that right fellas??
Today we have 12 passengers on the plane - which is a bit of a problem because we only have 5 seats! Hmmm. For safety reasons we will be counting all the passengers again during and after the flight. We have a very good record for safety. In fact we are so safe even terrorists are afraid to fly with us! I am pleased to tell you that over 50% of our passengers end up at their destination. For those of you who don't make it, don't worry. Our staff has lots of experience consoling the next-of-kin. If however you are still worried then ask Stewardess Vampy to tell you about our out-of-court settlements. We will do everything to make your journey an enjoyable one and even a surviving one!
If our engines are too noisy for you, don't worry, we'll turn them off! We even make your fall to earth pleasant by serving complimentary coffee during free-fall! Sadly, today's in-flight movie will not be shown because my son forgot to record it from the television. But if you really want to see a film then we will be glad to fly next to PanAm plane so that you can look at their movie through the window. Although there is no-smoking in this airplane, you may find that during the flight you can see smoke in the cabin. Don't worry your good minds over this! It is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down! Yes! we are very advanced at Nowhere Airways.
Some airlines are happy to fly thousands of feet over landmarks but not Nowhere Airways! For your pleasure we try to get as close as possible for the best view. If, however, we go a little too close then please let us know. Our co-pilot sometimes becomes too enthusiastic. Remember the guy who crashed before hitting the White House? Well he is the one!
Now kindly sit on your stool and tie your belt. For those of you who can't find a belt please tie your tie to the door handle. And for those of you who can't find a stool, sit on your suitcase instead. Sorry, but I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend my nephew's wedding. But please make yourself at home and help yourself to the cock pit. Thank you for choosing Nowhere Airways. We may not always take you to your destination but a splash in the Atlantic is guaranteed! 

• If anything can go wrong, it will
• If anything cant go wrong, it will
• If you know something can go wrong, and take due precautions against it, something else will go wrong
• When things go wrong somewhere, they are apt to go wrong everywhere
• You never run out of things that can go wrong
• If a thing is done wrong often enough, it becomes right
• When thing go wrong, don't go with them
• Murphy's Law always hits at the worst time
• You never know how soon it is too late
• If anything can go wrong, it will ___ when Mr. Murphy is away. (Mrs. Murphy)

• ANTIBODY: against everyone
• ARTERY: the study of fine paintings
• BACTERIA: back door to a cafeteria
• BENIGN: what you be after you be eight
• BOWEL: letters like A, E, I, O, or U
• CAESAREAN SECTION: a district in Rome
• CARDIOLOGY: advanced study of poker playing
• CAT SCAN: searching for ones lost kitty
• CAUTERIZE: made eye contact with her
• COMA: a punctuation mark
• CONGENITAL: friendly
• CORTIZONE: the local courthouse
• D & C: where Washington is
• DILATE: to live longer
• ENEMA: not a friend
• ER: the things on your head that you hear with
• FIBRILLATE: to tell lies
• GENES: blue denim slacks
• HEMORRHOID: a male from outer space
• IMPOTENT: distinguished, well known
• LABOR PAIN: hurt at work
• MINOR OPERATION: somebody else's
• ORGAN TRANSPLANT: what you do to your piano when you move
• PARALYZE: two far-fetched stories
• PATHOLOGICAL: a reasonable way to go
• PHARMACIST: person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
• PROTEIN: in favor of young people
• RED BLOOD COUNT: Dracula
• RHEUMATIC: amorous
• SECRETION: hiding anything
• TABLET: a small table
• TERMINAL ILLNESS: getting sick at the airport
• TIBIA: country in North Africa
• TRIPLE BYPASS: better than a quarterback sneak
• TUMOR: an extra pair
• URINE: opposite of "you're out"
• VARICOSE: very close
• VEIN: conceited  

Q: Why does Jessi always smile during lightning storms?
A: He think his picture is being taken.
Q: Why does Jessi has "TGIF" written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.
Q: How can you tell when Jessi sends you a fax?
A: It has a stamp on it.
Q: Why can't Jessi dial  911?
A: He cannot find the eleven on the phone
Q: How do you get Jessi on the roof?
A: Tell him the drinks are on the house.
Q: What did Jessi do when he was told to "Look at the dead bird"?
A: Jessi looked skyward and said "Where, Where?
Q: Why does it take longer to build "Jessi snowman" as opposed to a regular one?
A: You have to hollow out the head. 

Q: Have you ever read Shakespeare?
A. Jessi: "No, who wrote it?"
Q: What did Jessi say when he ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces?
A: Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.
Q: Why did Jessi forced 18 of his friends to go to a movie?
A: Because below 18 was not allowed.
Q: How do you measure Jessi's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear
Q: What do you do when Jessi throws a pin at you?
A: Run like Hell....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth.
Q: How do you make Jessi laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
Q: What is Jessi doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why does Jessi work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to re-train him on Monday.
Q: Why can't Jessi make ice cubes?
A: He always forgets the recipe.
Q: How did Jessi try to kill the bird?
A: He threw it off a cliff.
Q: What do you see when you look into Jessi's eyes?
A: The back of his head.
Q: What do you do when Jessi throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
 

My Dear Sun,
I am writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from your home, so we moved! I won't be able to give you the address as the last person who stayed in this house took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works too well, last week I put in three shirts and pulled the chain and I haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your aunt said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with all the buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
We got another bill from the funeral home. It said that if we don't make the last payment on grandma's funeral, she will come up again.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass in the cemetery.
Your sister had a baby this morning, I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an uncle or an aunty.
Your Uncle fell into a whisky vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out- he rolled the window down and swam to safety. The other two friends drowned, as they couldn't get the gate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. - I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.

 HOW TO RECOGNIZE A My Old Friend Jessi??
You should be sure the person is My Friend Jessi when he:
•Puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to makeup his mind
•Gets stabbed in a shoot-out
•Sends a fax with a postage stamp on it
•Tries to drown a fish in water
•Thinks socialism means partying
•Trips over a cordless phone
•Takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept
•At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he puts "Sagittarius"
•Studies for a blood test and fails
•Sells the car for gas money
•Misses the 44 bus, and takes the 22 twice instead
•Drives to the airport and sees a sign that said "Airport left", he turns around and goes home
•Gets locked in a furniture shop and sleeps on the floor

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

1. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.
2. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. 
3. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital. 
4. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
5. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
6. Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his. 7. Sadly, all men are created equal.

1) could you fax me your pic?
very very urgently......mind u its really very urgent damn serious and important..... i am playing cards and we have misplaced the joker.
2) men's sexual stages.........
20's........ try daily
30's........ try weekly
40's........ try monthly
50's........try and try
60's....... try and cry
70's ..... try and die................
3) boy goes for a blood test........
nurse took the sample ........ cant find cotton .... so she sucks the blood of his finger........
boy is amazed and happy.......... so he asks .......
can i have a urine test done too????
4) a small monkey asks his mother...........
mommy ............ why are we so ugly...........?
mother replies........ you should thank God.....
look at the person who is reading this message........
5) masturbation: Shaking hands with the unemployed
6) Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.