I have been thinking about the phrase "A fate worse then death".

This, by nessecity is life, a fate worse then death. Since no one knows what death holds for us, (and no I don't buy your religious fervour as knowing, that is faith, different thing) and my guess is oblivion, then I could not agree more, life is a fate worse then death in a lot of cases.

When this phrase is used it is totally subjective, who can say what for one is a fate worse then death is for another individual, for some it is just life.

I just poured my heart out in a long and winding entry. It is gone, deleted before it was posted, some slip on the keyboard and all that work vanishes. What a symbol of my life right now. Heartfelt prose that no one will ever read. Oh well I am sure people are sick of reading about my latest foray into misery-ville, the latest laughable let down in my love life (I say laughable because I am astonished that despite being rejected by every single person I thought was interested in me, I still think it is going to be different this time)

I am pretty sure it supposed to be better then this.... What is the point of being white middle class and privileged? It seems that once your material needs are satisfied it just gives you the space to be sad. Or maybe that is just me.

I have had enough. Serioulsy. Over it. People are cunts, the world is falling to pieces. I am bored. no one gives a shit about anything.

FUCK IT.

If I can't start a revolution, I'm going to get a job in advertising, get rich and rape the earth, live in a mansion and produce 10 tonnes of carbon a month and eat children.

No more being treated ilke shit, no more putting emotional energy into situations outisde of my control, no more wondering what people think.

I give up.

Bring on the party at the end of the world, lets go down in a flaming cocktail of sex drugs and rock and roll. I'm going to dance while the world burns around me.

Having housemates sucks. In the past I have enjoyed, it but in this house it is not fun at all, in fact it is upsetting, depressing, frustrating and making me feel like no one respects me.

I am sick of being the only one who cleans, they don't even say thank you. We had a party and I did all of the cleaning apart from moving the furniture back and mopping the floor.... that was three weeks ago, floors still unwashed. No one takes out the garbage, does their washing up , cleans toilets. People use my sink to clean paint and leave big black stains, for weeks, eventually I crumble and clean up after them.

I have stopped taking in the mail and dealing with the free newspapers, our yard is awash with moulding sodden paper and peoples letters.

Someone in the house uses my toothbrush, too lazy to buy their own? Or is it just that I am so undeserving of respect that it is acceptable to USE my toothbrush, seriously it is revolting.... I cannot begin to describe how it makes me feel that this is acceptable, it is just that girl who does all the cleaning does not matter if I use her toothbrush.

There are three showers, yet people use mine, and my shower products, constantly, I have never decided I should use their stuff, 1/4 of my stupidly expensive lush face wash gone from one housemate's showering session.

My socks are stolen from my drawers, my stocking rifled through. 

I don't know if people don't care that they eat my food and drink my milk, my yoghurt, cheese, peanut butter, butter, everything is up for grabs apparently. Either they think I am too stupid to realise, or they just don't care.

I try to organise a house meeting to try and discuss this, suddenly everyone is to busy to have a meeting or just does not respond to my request.

It is so hard being treated like this. I am just the cleaner, the shopper, the stupid idiot who keeps cleaning up after people, paying the over drawing charge on the rent account because no one pays their rent on time.

And maybe if I was not such a doormat people would respect me enough to not treat me like shit. 

How did I manage to live with so many selfish, lazy, filthy people? 

Do theyn think I deserve to be treated this way? Or do they honestly think what they are doing is an acceptable way to behave. Do they respect me so little that they can steal from me, expect me to clean up after them, use my toothbrush and never even say thank you?

I am never living with housemates again, I think I deserve better, even if they don;t agree.;

Pearl Jam

Black

Hey...oooh...
Sheets of empty canvas
Untouched sheets of clay
Were laid spread out before me
As her body once did
All five horizons
Revolved around her soul
As the earth to the sun
Now the air I tasted and breathed
Has taken a turn
Ooh and all I taught her was everything
Ooh I know she gave me all that she wore
And now my bitter hands
Chafe beneath the clouds
Of what was everything
Oh the pictures have
All been washed in black
Tattooed everything
I take a walk outside
I'm surrounded by
Some kids at play
I can feel their laughter
So why do I sear
Oh, and twisted thoughts that spin
Round my head
I'm spinning
Oh, I'm spinning
How quick the sun can, drop away...
And now my bitter hands
Cradle broken glass
Of what was everything
All the pictures had
All been washed in black
Tattooed everything
All the love gone bad
Turned my world to black
Tattooed all I see
All that I am
All I'll be...
Yeah
Uh huh...uh huh...ooh...
I know someday you'll have a beautiful life
I know you'll be a sun
In somebody else's sky
But why
Why
Why can't it be
Why can't it be mine
(not sure?)
mm-hmm no yeah no
mm mmmm no nonono yeah yeah
we-
we belong
we belong together
together
oooh ooh
we-
we belong
we belong together
oh yeah

I have a spare ticket to Peeping Tom tomorrow night, actually it is my friend who has it, but I have been asked to find a home for it. This post will not help, but at least I did something.

I spent just over 24 hours in Canberra over Monday, Tuesday. I hate Canberra, it is so sterile, designed by a very strange dude (Burley-Griffin who was into Mason stuff and weird social values) for a bunch of public servants to congregate in. It is the only place I have ever had a sudden desire to throw molotov cocktails and run riot through the streets. I think it is the clean, frigid, boring, eerily quiet nature of the "city" that does it to me. The weather does not help, it was so cold! 4 degrees at 6pm, ouch.

Forbidding black hills surround a large town that is a series of circles leading to nowhere. the dark clouds and constant drizzle help to stifle all colour and movement. Cars slide down wide boulevards so far from each other you could be on a highway. Roundabouts lead to roundabouts leading to nothing, no centre, no heart. The landscape is broken by symbols of power, flag poles rise out of hills to pierce clouds. Black tower emits it's etherical pollution constantly from an ugly, functional impersonal structure. There si no mystery, no character, no vitality to be found.

To make the Canberra whirlwind tour so much more unattractive there was the added bonus of spending my time shmoozing and lobbying both the powers that be inside the Hobbit Hill that is our Parliament house and the powers that are my funding group. Nothing like middle age men is suits to intimidate you.

I hate the social insititutions that force us into uncomfortable and strange clothing, that place so much power in the hands of white middle class males, that make young ethical women feel like lowly failures. I hate having to watch what I say and be oh so concious of my appearance, gender and age.