The saddest part is maybe after doing that for two years I could finally get the job I want. If I sold out and used my skills for commercial corporate gains, then I would finally be valued by this institution....

Meanwhile I have decided to never have children, I am seriously thinking about how to deal with huge upheaval and disaster, I don't believe the future is bright, I am scared of what will happen in my lifetime. I am  preparing for the apocalypse.

Barrister Marah Osman
Abidjan Cote D Ivoire
West Africa

My Dear,

This message might meet you in utmost surprise, however,it's just my urgent
need for foreign partner that made me to contact you for this transaction.

I, am Barrister Marah Osman a personal lawyer to one later Mr.Ruth Fred Leo
An American oil Contractor with the Ivoirien Solid Minerals Corporation,
here in Abidjan Ivory Coast who died in an auto Crash in september 2006.
later Mr. Ruth Fred leo before his untimely death, made some deposit
of funds with a finance firm here and did not declare any information of
any of his relatives to the said fund deposit at the time of deposit.

Where you come in is that I needed your good collaboration to pull out
these funds to overseas for investments because, he left with me the
deposit information and no body could come around to lay claim if not I
and a foriegner in good collaboration since he did not leave any
information of any of his relatives.

Kindly get back to me in order to bring you to the detail arrangement to
move out the funds accross to your destination.

Kind Regards,

Barrister Marah Osman

A quick Google search reveals the only internet listing these people and companies have is under a directory of 419 scams, very funny. 

We could use these emails as a sorting mechanism for a kind of Darwinian reality TV show. People stupid enough to fall for them battle it out for the right to rejoin the human race.

This, by nessecity is life, a fate worse then death. Since no one knows what death holds for us, (and no I don't buy your religious fervour as knowing, that is faith, different thing) and my guess is oblivion, then I could not agree more, life is a fate worse then death in a lot of cases.

When this phrase is used it is totally subjective, who can say what for one is a fate worse then death is for another individual, for some it is just life.

I am pretty sure it supposed to be better then this.... What is the point of being white middle class and privileged? It seems that once your material needs are satisfied it just gives you the space to be sad. Or maybe that is just me.

FUCK IT.

If I can't start a revolution, I'm going to get a job in advertising, get rich and rape the earth, live in a mansion and produce 10 tonnes of carbon a month and eat children.

No more being treated ilke shit, no more putting emotional energy into situations outisde of my control, no more wondering what people think.

I give up.

Bring on the party at the end of the world, lets go down in a flaming cocktail of sex drugs and rock and roll. I'm going to dance while the world burns around me.

So I had an amazing start to the year, staying with my beautiful friends down at Manyana for the last time, soaking up the sun, surf and sundries. It was amazing and seemed to herald a year of many exciting opportunities ad changes. Of course I was wrong about that, but hey no suprises there! 

I have spent a long time unemployed and worrying about money, which sucks. While I was not working I was still paying the rent for so many  people, cleaning up after everyone and wondering how on earth it is that no one  stepped up??? Lazy selfish people. So my dreams of an escape were dashed in the face of extreme poverty. 

Now I have a year lease and a year contract, and I am hoping I can run away in 12 months, enshallah.

In the space of nine days I have been to a gig, a festival, two Big Day Outs, on a road trip to Melbourne, stayed there for 48 hours, flown back ot Sydney, started a new job, had everyone move out of my house and a whole new set of people move in. I am exhausted. It has been a huge time for me.

There was also the emotional rollercoaster of lying next to someone all night desperately wanting to roll over and touch them reach across the space and take them in my arms, it did not happen, which left me very confused, and sad and full of regret for my own inaction.

It all adds up, all this week everything has happened and I have not slept, I drink coffee all day in an attempt to stay awake, wired, alert, capable, but I am failing fast. I look old and haggard and I am stupid with the lack of sleep. My appetite has gone, my memory failing me, I can't sleep at night and I can barely say awake through the day. I am sad and stressed and sleepless.

I am worried I ahve lost my chance to act on my feelings, that lying immobilised by fear and apprehension has taken away my opportunity to act. It is hard, it is weird, it is amazing to find yourself falling for someone you have known for your whole adult life. I just hope they are still interested when next we see each other....

I am sick of being the only one who cleans, they don't even say thank you. We had a party and I did all of the cleaning apart from moving the furniture back and mopping the floor.... that was three weeks ago, floors still unwashed. No one takes out the garbage, does their washing up , cleans toilets. People use my sink to clean paint and leave big black stains, for weeks, eventually I crumble and clean up after them.

I have stopped taking in the mail and dealing with the free newspapers, our yard is awash with moulding sodden paper and peoples letters.

Someone in the house uses my toothbrush, too lazy to buy their own? Or is it just that I am so undeserving of respect that it is acceptable to USE my toothbrush, seriously it is revolting.... I cannot begin to describe how it makes me feel that this is acceptable, it is just that girl who does all the cleaning does not matter if I use her toothbrush.

There are three showers, yet people use mine, and my shower products, constantly, I have never decided I should use their stuff, 1/4 of my stupidly expensive lush face wash gone from one housemate's showering session.

My socks are stolen from my drawers, my stocking rifled through. 

I don't know if people don't care that they eat my food and drink my milk, my yoghurt, cheese, peanut butter, butter, everything is up for grabs apparently. Either they think I am too stupid to realise, or they just don't care.

I try to organise a house meeting to try and discuss this, suddenly everyone is to busy to have a meeting or just does not respond to my request.

It is so hard being treated like this. I am just the cleaner, the shopper, the stupid idiot who keeps cleaning up after people, paying the over drawing charge on the rent account because no one pays their rent on time.

And maybe if I was not such a doormat people would respect me enough to not treat me like shit. 

How did I manage to live with so many selfish, lazy, filthy people? 

Do theyn think I deserve to be treated this way? Or do they honestly think what they are doing is an acceptable way to behave. Do they respect me so little that they can steal from me, expect me to clean up after them, use my toothbrush and never even say thank you?

I am never living with housemates again, I think I deserve better, even if they don;t agree.;

This line of thought started six months with a realisation that being anaemic was changing my personality, and not for the better. I was irritable, unmotivated, depressed and quiet. When my iron levels started to normalise, I could finally see how much my behaviour had changed.

Earlier this year I had a head injury and for two weeks, I was subdued, vague, nervous and withdrawn, and I had no attention span at all. It was disturbing to be aware of how I was being someone else. That one is probably less of a revelation; I hurt my brain and then was weird, no news there.

The changes wrought by physical exhaustion have become increasingly apparent as my emotional armour falls away like petals drifting off a blossom. My resilience crumbles and I am destroyed by the slightest bump. I find myself falling into a heap at the slightest hurdle.

I am used to being a powerhouse of wellness, of having lots of stupid accidents and breaking, bumping, scratching, bruising my anatomy but not succumbing to germ warfare. This year of ups and downs, multiple countries, tropics and elevation, beaches, dryness, summer, winter, monsoon and everything in between. Of roadside food, and interesting concoctions, of water best left un-drunk and farm animals of every description. It has drained me in whole new ways. As my body has broken down, so too my mind has become more fragile.

All the lessons I learned so long ago, all the resolutions passed and masks created, all forgotten through a misty mind besieged by virus, bacteria, parasite, bruising, and all of the physical ailments. 

I have known for a long time about expectations and wearing my heart on my sleeve, I long ago came to understand how I was to be perceived. I have known my place, my rights, my social standing all to be abandoned thanks to a rash, a runny nose, a slight sniffle.

Betrayed by my own body. I think it may be one of the things that has led to my resolution to enter my next birthday healthier then I ever have been. quite frankly I have no choice. In order to survive the coming years, I need to be a lot stronger then this in every way.

I have quit smoking, I am slowly emerging as someone with a measurable level of fitness, I walk 20 kilometres a week. But I need to do more. I get sick I get sad. I fall ill and I fall into the traps of expecting things, I know I cannot have. Life is hard enough without having some strength to rely on, to not be able to trust myself to hold firm and deal with everything is not an option.

The body is an amazing place to live, it is so strong, yet weak, It is an amazing construction so easily destroyed. And if it is going to make it easier to stay strong and ignore my brain and its ridiculous thoughts, then I will treat it with more care.

I have often said; my body is a temple and I worship at the altar of hedonism. I will stand by that statement, for someone needs to take pleasure from it all. But now to find the balance between hedonism and emotional reserves. Toe the line between consumption and health

This long weekend just passed, is the exception that proves the rule. Here is my weekend in numbers;

1. 47 hours of drinking
2. 6 beer showers
3. 4 meals
4. 100 beers (guesstimate)
5. 18 hours of conference participation
6. 10 hours of sleep
   
7. 4 meals (oops)
8. 2 new and terrible encounters of the male kind
9. 1 bouncer incident
10. 6 pubs
11. 1 soccer game
    

The moral hangover is still torturing me, as is my ability to choose the worst people at the worst moments to start falling for. Sigh

Summer has begun and with it comes the long days, exposed flesh, hot afternoon, refreshing beers, parties and tension of the silly season. I love Sydney summer, and after missing out last year, I am so excited about it finally beginning!

I ma worried that it is going to be a season of poor judgment and trashy behaviour. Of excess booze and lots of questionable ethics, lets just hope we got all of that out of the way nice and early and the rest of the season is all about the normality. Oh wait that is right I am throwing a uniform party for my birthday in 3 weeks.... 

Let the games begin.

I have been arrested doing a Greenpeace action. We (allegedly) painted the side of a coal ship in Newcastle harbour with the slogan "Australia Pushing Export Coal". This resulted in eight hours in custody, two spent on a ferry wharf much to the bemusement and confusion of early Sunday morning commuters (imagine leaving a club, wandering down to the ferry and being greeted with the sight of 40 police people milling around, and 11 orange overall clad activists telling jokes).

The police seized our overalls, leaving me with a very fetching pair of forensic services overalls to preserve my modesty (I am sure they will come in handy : ). The APEC taskforce set our bail conditions (some of which were altered by our bail officer) and they were unbelievable (originally including a daily report to our local police station, not being allowed to associate with our co-accused for any reason).

So back to Newcastle to go to Magistrates court and request our bail conditions be dropped.

Meanwhile I received a letter form the Deputy Commissioner of Police informing me I had been made an excluded person... Something I am now intending to challenge in the high court (goodbye next five years of my life). The letter had 12 pages of maps of places I was not allowed to go to, including the Rocks, Bondi Beach, much of the CBD..... Where do I begin??? How can I be excluded from my own city? What happens to the excluded person list? What does it mean for my record? For overseas visas? When did we become a police state controlled by fear?

I traveled eight hours in a car in one day, first to Newcastle 200kms North, then back to Sydney to travel another 300kms down to Manyana.

I spent the APEC weekend down the South coast having a lovely time with 12 friends, a baby and a dog. Always delightful.

When I returned home from work yesterday the police had left me another letter, saying, well nothing.....

Here is a video of which I am very proud;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7irHsVFA41w

Here is a blog I wrote after the action 

http://www.greenpeace.org.au/blog/energy/?p=46

It has been an emotional rollercoaster of a fortnight. So much has happened, so many terrifying precedents. Asides from the insanity of my activist life, work has been good. Barnaby Joyce has become a champion of the community broadcasting sector, which is an absolute coup! The ALP have announced they will fund Amrap. It is all ticking along very nicely!

And now a weekend of two picnics, Earthdance, 2 parties and a gig to go to! Bring it on, time to let loose and be free, forget for a moment and smile.

The police took my overalls..... And conducted forensic tests on my hands (8 hours and 5 toilet trips after the fact?).

WTF?

I have never had anything like this happen on an action before, wryly amused and mostly bemused.

I have some weird hemorrhage thing on my right elbow, which look suspiciously like I have developed an intravenous drug habit, I haven't. I asked my friends just in case I had started on the vein and couldn't remember, there is a 99% certainty that I am still needle free. So the only logical solution is that I was kidnapped by aliens and I was too drunk to remember and/or wake up!

I saw the Simpsons movie (whilst [see dictionary facists it a perfectly valid used and needed word! Give it back!] still hungover). Loved it! It was fantastic! 

I played some cards and some Scrabble and enjoyed the sunshine! Delightful. All in all I got to see some dear and wonderful people!

I found myself thinking about someone in a whole new light that I find kind of disturbing. I think the best way to deal with these new emotions is to ignore them! To indulge in them would lead to unnecessary heartbreak and pain. Some things just aint worth the risk. 

I also probed the spot that had been raw and exposed strip of my soul for a while and it appears to be scabbing over, take that stupid man! You can never break my heart completely, far worthier men then you have failed, you never stood a chance. It still hurts but the wound is healing, more slowly then my head injury, but healing nonetheless.

Desperately seeking the sun to my earth the earth to my moon, the ying to my yang, the ding to my dong. I'd like to meet you soon. Before I do something stupid, but after I've finished learning how to treat my loved ones properly. I'll do you a deal, I'll become a better, nicer person, I'll learn to be good to people and you think about finding me ok? I can travel, am willing to go to the ends of the earth, if that is how it needs to be. Just please don;t leave it too long, I am getting really lonely and  a little bit broken.

Actually maybe it is better if you just stay away, as I would probably just ruin it anyway..... And I don't think I will ever risk my tender little ego again. 

Sorry, let me get back to you on this one, it appears my thoughts on this are some kind of circular paradigm. ALhtough I ma not sure this will ever change? I wonder if I will get the chance to find out?

Where do you begin when security measures include; Tasers instead of capsicum spray, jets, random searches, new police powers, black hawk helicopters and a 2.8m high fence around the city... Are they serious? Some of the videos to help prepare police for violent protesters are taken from Maritime Workers protests, WTF? I would love to see their definition of a violent protester??? One who is there?

I would dearly love to protest non-violently and bear witness to this gathering, but I won't. I cannot be seen in the media as a protester, and I have no desire to put myself in a potentially lethal situation, you gotta choose your battles.

There is so much more I need to say about this event, these security measures, my personal decision to not protest (as anyone who knows me will see, this is far away from my normal actions), but I need to get it clear in my head. Watch this space, long ranting and general sweeping statements coupled with strange philosophies and paradigms from an alarmed activist coming soon.

Sure enough when I read the bottle in the shower this morning; 'may cause temporary hair discolouration in people with dyed or blonde hair'. I am no stranger to this phenomenon. My hair has gone bright green from chlorine exposure, red from rust in the pipes, blue from the use of cheap hair products and grey from an unfortunate incident involving "temporary" spray on hair colour. This, however, is the worst! I can handle a little colour and mystery, but this shampoo is tar based, thats right folks I am starting to resemble a tar stained, nicotine exposed, RSL ceiling. 

So now I have to decide which is worse; looking like the inside of a pack a day lung? or showering everyone in 10 metre radius with dead skin cells from my scalp? I think I will switch brands and see what the results are, but based on previous experience I may have to go back on the tar, the others just aren't effective.

Ah the curses of having extremely blonde hair... I know I am lucky to have it, people spend hundreds of dollars dying their hair to look like mine, women would commit crimes to have this colour tra la la la, but you don't see brunettes walking around with ciggy head or Kermit hair, recessive gene? excessively whimpy I say! It may be culturally desirable, but it is impractical and annoying for someone who ranks low on the personal maintenance and commitment to beauty scale.

Any suggestions of cures/alternatives gratefully received.

There is a certain physical, mental, emotional wrongness that comes from traveling for work. It is its own special brand of discomfort and insanity associated with working long hard hours, bad sleep, too much coffee, not enough water, dodgy food and constantly watching what you say.

Getting home and falling into my own bed with no fear of strange noises waking me, assured of a hot shower in the morning and no heating system to roast me slowly in the wee hours of the morning was bliss.

I do return to a house situation that is stressful, the wrath of a close relative and the nastiness associated with fighting with your housemates. The wrath is the one that is killing me, not only do I feel I have done nothing to deserve this anger, I feel I am the wronged party, and thus have no desire to be affected by the taunts or bitchiness that are left as bait in my inbox, under my door on my phone. I do not want to have a fight, as I feel I have nothing to say beyond: "Why the fuck are you angry with me, when you are the one who has behaved in a way that makes my life an even less fun place to be?" I have a feeling that will not help and will only give further ammunition to a grievance born of fantasy and guilt.

Anyway enough obtuse hurt mutterings about a situation out of my control and understanding that I refuse to explain in detail.

"Nihilism? Means nothing to me."

"He is so far in the closet he's in Narnia."

"I am not bitter; I am just a little tart." Yeah this one is from years ago, but goddamn I love it!

Yes it seems that being a razor sharp source of belittlement is one of my few un-usable talents. Awesome, I should start a t-shirt company.

Meanwhile as per fucking usual, my life sucks, Work is out of control and I may have to move out on Thursday, that is 2 days away. I saw my Scottish friend last night and she shared some information with me about a recent dalliance I had that ended badly. I was crushed like a bug, maybe I should not have tried to find out what was said about me...... I should have realised that it was not going to be something I wanted to hear. I really am not very clever and I don't appear to learn.

OVER IT! 

Why I decided to not drink for a month is beyond me.... 23 days dry and counting. Seems kind of pointless, and I can't really understand why I am doing it? I think the main reason is to prove a point and try not to be the shallow, bitter alcoholic people see me as.

Rule #1:
If you open this you GOTTA take it. Bollocks, I don't have to, I am choosing to.

Rule # 2:
You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone
messages you and asks .. dont care.=] Neither do I, so I will now explain every answer I give, just to be contrary

Rule #3:
Only answer True or False or in Poem form

Q: Kissed someone on your top friends --> Define Top Friends? I have kissed so many of my friends, so lets just assume yes shall we? Here is my poem

I will kiss

all on the list

They wish

Q: Kissed someone you didn't like? --> False, I like everybody, especially if they are prepared to kiss me. And now I am too derpressed to write poems.

Q: You like someone? --> True. which just makes me a sad sad loser, cos noone like me : ( Thanks for bringing up such a painful subject

Q: Held a snake? --> True, I want to keep snakes as pets when I stop fleeing the country as often as possible, or do something dumb like breed so I have to stay in one place for ages

Q: Been suspended from school? --> False, but only because I agreed to leave the school and find somewhere more tolerant.

Q: Been fired from a job? --> True, technically, but it is a long story.

Q: Sang karaoke? -->True, are there people out there who are so "cool" the have avoided this?

Q: Laughed until you started crying? --> True, I like to do this at least bi-monthly

Q: Caught a snowflake on your tongue? -->False, I live in Australia, the only weather you can catch on your tongue here is hail and that hurts (yes I am aware that parts of Austrlia snow, but it is pretty lame and I have not french kissed a sonwflake)

Q: Kissed in the rain? --> True, it leads to soggy clothing

Q: Sang in the shower? --> True, der, I sang walking to Paul's party on Saturday, it was a lovely ditty about sensor lights and walking with Jason to a party

Q: Sat on a roof top? --> True, so many times, looking at Bondi Beach was one of the best roof I have sat on!

Q: Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? --> False, unbelievably I have not, have I pushed someone into a pool with their clothes on? yes. Have I been pushed into a river, a bay, an ocean and a spa with my clothes on? F*CK Yeah

Q: Broken a bone? -->True, My GOD! I have broken 5 bones in my right foot, in 3 seperate incidents, everybody knows about me and my foot! Everybody knows about me and my injuries full stop

Q: Shaved your head? -->False, but there are plans afoot to raise money by auctioning off the chance to shave or save my hair, we shall see if people are keener to see me bald or keep "the hair"

Q: Played a prank on someone? --> True, that is just a lame lame question.

Q: Shot a gun? --> Hmm, like a real one? I am a hippy.... Only computer games have provided me with this chance.

Q: Donated Blood? --> True in 3 countries!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Who was your last?"
just be 100% truthful
LAST PERSON.

1. last person you hung out with? Jason, but he does not count cos we live so close and he is like my housemate, so... Paul, Jon, Mana, Zen and Jubb

2. last person you texted? I think my sister? I locked myself out.... and she is my housemate. Oh no, wait, there were other text messages exchanged yesterday, but no idea why or to whom.

3. You were in a car with? Fanta Pants, Jessicat, Jason and Sonnah

4. To the movies with? Jon, Jubb and Jay to see the appallingly bad... erm? shit ? Fantastic Three? Can't remember, but I heckled it, a lot.

5. Went to the mall with? Are you trying to make me angry? Jeebus, I do not go to the Mall, I live in a world where going to the mall is as appealing as eating parts of your own anatomy, while they are still attached.

6. You talked to on the phone? Anna, but while writing this Erin called me! Anna and Erin love each other, what a lovely little coincidence.

7. Made you laugh? Me?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WOULD YOU RATHER...

2. Be serious or be funny? Seriously funny

3. Drink whole or skim milk? I think the fact that it is called whole speaks for itself, why take bits out? Clearly nature fu*ked the recipe up? No wait we are not meant ot suck cow tits! Goddam cheese it would make me so much less sanctimonious if I could give up cheese.... Um sorry, I don't believe in lite, skim, low fat or any of that other shit.

4. Die in a fire or get shot? Fuck off... I seriously do not need to think about this.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY...

1. Sun or moon? For what? For tanning: the sun. for howling at: the moon.

2. Winter or Fall? Winter, Der. Falling sucks! I am yet to find an enjoyable way to spend an unexpected trip to the ground. Being cold is not as bad as tripping over.

3. Left or right?Left wing poiltics is right.

4. Sunny or rainy? Once again WTF? Rainy for staying in bed and watching movies with a huge doobie. Sunny for going to the beach with a huge doobie.

5. Do you want to get married? Whose asking?

6. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut It? Who cuts spaghetti? Better not do that if I cook or I will laugh at them.

7. Do You Cook? Extremely well, better then you question.

8. Current mood? Bitter.

---------------------------------------------------

IN THE LAST 72 HOURS HAVE YOU...

1.Kissed Someone? No. Nobody wants to kiss me : (

2. Sang? Yes, of course

3. Been hugged? yes, by many people, one of them was very awkward

4. Did something embarrassing? Chances are good, oh last 72 hours? Definitely. Actually writing this thing is more then a little embarassing.

5. Like someone you can't have? Yes, can't have anyone ergo all liking leads to disappointment and unreciprocated affection

Repost this as, "Who was your last? NO

Friday night she stayed sober, spent seven hours and fourty five minutes in one drinking establishment and not even a drop of ale passed her lips. Stayed out until 4am with a bunch of drunken (also based up to the eyeballs) friends and not a drink for her.

Because of the lateness of Friday, Saturday was spent sleeping, comfortably and happily until 2pm, followed by an extremely large breakfast. Max realises that the whole point of this entry is that her weekend was boring as all hell and perhaps repeating it in minuate detail could be even more boring. Thus to summarise; lots of things were cleaned, weed smoked, and there was an outing to Bankstown to celebrate the birth of three of her relatives, nothing acheived and levels of dissatisfaction with life were amplified again.

Max having recently joined the brigade of the self righteous non-drinkers is disturbed to discover many things;

The first is that she is uncomfortable talking about herself in the third person, easy to change.

The second is what people think of me, oh dear. I have sobered up not a moment too soon. Apparently I am viewed as a bitter alcoholic with a substance abuse problem. I kind of hoped there was more to me then that? Surrounded by party people, I did not realise that I stood out as a beacon and catalyst for drug abuse. People take my announcement of a month of sobriety and a reticence to take any drugs (mostly there are a couple of exceptions, but they ain't exactly every weekend kind of deals) in horror, the disbelief scares me. Surely people don't think that if I change my consumption habits I will cease to be me? Surely there is more to me then that?

Thirdly free time should be cherished. Weekends should be productive and filled with activities that make me feel good, sleeping all day does not count. I should be writing a novel, doing a course, I don't know, shit take up crochet? All of those things I have wanted to do for ever but never had time for.... Art classes, amateur theatre, music lessons, dancing, croquet, tennis, hack, poi, frisbee, hula-hoop, making movies, walking by the sea, photography, yoga, swimming, projects, diving, charity work, volunteering, cooking, wine tasting classes, learning a language and so many other things.

Let the newness wash over me and take me away on a sea of contentment. A chapter starts; each page fresh and new, filled with inspiration and fun, a life lived to the full not squandered in a seedy bar. We can all have dreams can't we? I don't want to be a different person, just happier. Maybe not being me is the place to start.

Despite its lack of advertising Sunday proved to be far more interesting then anticipated, it started quietly with a civilised coffee and breakfast scenario at a lovely cafe in Newtown, then descended quickly into idiocy with an outing to the local tavern and a few games of pool.

I am not entirely sure what happened after that, but I do know that I sustained an injury on my head, got knocked out cold, there was a lot of blood involved and obviously amnesia. I rocked up to the hospital bleeding profusely, extremely confused and having no idea what happened. I did not stick around for a brain scan, I saw no point at all, after all I passed the neurological exam (apart from the pupil bit) I was covered in blood and just wanted to go to bed at home.

So another injury for the year. This is getting so ridiculous I don't know how to react. WHY ME? Is so pointless, not to mention self indulgent. Am I doing it to myself? Now we might be getting closer to the mark, surely there has to be compliance on some level to end up with so many injuries in such a short time frame, I am an attention seeking fool. Throw hypermobile, unfit and unhappy into the look-at-me mix and maybe things are becoming a little bit clearer.

Now of course I am paranoid that I do not just have concussion, that I should have had the brain scan that my headache is far too bad to just be consussion alone. I could go back to the hospital and get it checked out, but I do not have time and I know I am being an attention seeking hypochondriac.

Goddam I am a fool. A foolish foolish fool, with a massive headache that paracetamol does nothing for..... but I ma sure I deserve it, lucky I do not believe in Karma or I would be coming to the conclusion that in my last 1467 lives I was a serial killer or a politician or something.

Ouch.

Slowly over the course of the evening the seduction takes place, never quite sure where it will end, will it be a violent night leaving me worn and breathless tomorrow, or a slow lesuirely slide of pleasure? The unkown is part of the appeal, no matter how long we are together there is always the mystery of the next morning. That risk of waking up with no pants, no friends and no money. Or maybe tomorrow I will wake seedy, memory intact, pants accounted for, control retained and bus fare still nestled in my wallet.

That sharp bitter vodka lulbricates my throat and washes away anxiety. For tonight I am free, I am attractive, witty, different. Tonight I am like me, but better; different, less involved, more careless. I will fly bouyed by the false high, the confidence sparkling out through my rosy cheeks, witty, fun and in control.

But what alcohol bringeth it taketh away. The moral hangover, the physical pain of a night on the turps, the weight gain, the slow poisoning of my body. The realisation of innebriated desicions that should not have been made. The slow destruction of my looks and youth, the damage to my cerebum. The desperate check of the phone to see if once again I have communicated things better left unsaid.

Mostly, as tumultuous and exciting as we can be together it is all old ground; that all too familiar bile in the throat, clothes that smell like an ashtray penance, the desperate scanning of memories and possessions, an inventory of damage done in exchange for being Queen for a night. I have grown up with you, learnt the lessons of life and love with you by my side. I know now the price of forgetting, the pound of flesh exchanged for a night of self confidence.

And still the promise of 5pm looms on the horizon, shiny, exciting and fresh. Filled with glasses of amnesia and bottles of temporary ego. The night and all her drinks await me.

Black

Hey...oooh...
Sheets of empty canvas
Untouched sheets of clay
Were laid spread out before me
As her body once did
All five horizons
Revolved around her soul
As the earth to the sun
Now the air I tasted and breathed
Has taken a turn
Ooh and all I taught her was everything
Ooh I know she gave me all that she wore
And now my bitter hands
Chafe beneath the clouds
Of what was everything
Oh the pictures have
All been washed in black
Tattooed everything
I take a walk outside
I'm surrounded by
Some kids at play
I can feel their laughter
So why do I sear
Oh, and twisted thoughts that spin
Round my head
I'm spinning
Oh, I'm spinning
How quick the sun can, drop away...
And now my bitter hands
Cradle broken glass
Of what was everything
All the pictures had
All been washed in black
Tattooed everything
All the love gone bad
Turned my world to black
Tattooed all I see
All that I am
All I'll be...
Yeah
Uh huh...uh huh...ooh...
I know someday you'll have a beautiful life
I know you'll be a sun
In somebody else's sky
But why
Why
Why can't it be
Why can't it be mine
(not sure?)
mm-hmm no yeah no
mm mmmm no nonono yeah yeah
we-
we belong
we belong together
together
oooh ooh
we-
we belong
we belong together
oh yeah

I stole Aunty B's cool little rating thing, lets see if it works. Very disappointed to be rated PG, they do not check for how often you say 'sex' or I would have come through as ruder and less kiddy friendly.

On a more personal note, I am having a party tonight and I would dearly love to cancel it. I am not in the mood. I do not really want to socialise, I am not feeling very tolerant or friendly, I do not want to go to a party let alone host one.

Last night was the best I have felt in a long time,  but that is because I was painting, short lived and hardly a solution to my current mood and cricumstances. I was also not unhappy this morning when I put on my jeans and discovered the ratio between us has changed, thankfully for the better, makes a nice change from looking down and despairing at my enormity.

Oh God who cares?

I spent just over 24 hours in Canberra over Monday, Tuesday. I hate Canberra, it is so sterile, designed by a very strange dude (Burley-Griffin who was into Mason stuff and weird social values) for a bunch of public servants to congregate in. It is the only place I have ever had a sudden desire to throw molotov cocktails and run riot through the streets. I think it is the clean, frigid, boring, eerily quiet nature of the "city" that does it to me. The weather does not help, it was so cold! 4 degrees at 6pm, ouch.

Forbidding black hills surround a large town that is a series of circles leading to nowhere. the dark clouds and constant drizzle help to stifle all colour and movement. Cars slide down wide boulevards so far from each other you could be on a highway. Roundabouts lead to roundabouts leading to nothing, no centre, no heart. The landscape is broken by symbols of power, flag poles rise out of hills to pierce clouds. Black tower emits it's etherical pollution constantly from an ugly, functional impersonal structure. There si no mystery, no character, no vitality to be found.

To make the Canberra whirlwind tour so much more unattractive there was the added bonus of spending my time shmoozing and lobbying both the powers that be inside the Hobbit Hill that is our Parliament house and the powers that are my funding group. Nothing like middle age men is suits to intimidate you.

I hate the social insititutions that force us into uncomfortable and strange clothing, that place so much power in the hands of white middle class males, that make young ethical women feel like lowly failures. I hate having to watch what I say and be oh so concious of my appearance, gender and age.

Work is hard, politics is painful, none of this is news, but I am feeling it at the moment. Maybe I need to lay off the doobies, does not seem to help make the world a fun and cheery place for Max.

My finger is not broken, what a relief! Just soft tissue damage, who needs soft tissue anyway?

I am feeling listless and unsatisfied, can't escape this niggling feeling that maybe it is supposed to be better then this?

I want to write, I am frustrated with the lack of creativity in my life at the moment. I love writing, I love art and music and drama too, but I think I write better then I can do the rest. How do I find the time to be the most soical person on the face of the planet, save the world, earn money and write?

How is the rest of the world feeling? What is the mood out there? I am guessing that the entire enormous spectrum of human emotions are currently being experienced, stupid question. 

I wonder what it would look like if you coloured every emotion and then saw it from the sky? If you could map emotions like the contours of the earth, would there be lines of joy and sadness in places? would the cities be a huge dark sad cloud? Would there be pockets of joy, where people are living happily, sustainably and in tune with themselves, each other and the earth?

The Manyana long weekend was a triumph, despite a ridiculous amount of time put into organising, crazy weather and last minute drop outs it all ewnt very well.

There was table cat, scrabble, walks on the beach, cyock pants, Legolas, chess, giggling, shooting blanks, frisbee, volleyball, poi and soccer. Phew what a list!

The only thing left to do is distribute photos, begin the reign of Table Cat and get an x-ray to discover exactly what I have done to my finger (it is currently immobile, large and purple, yes it does resemble a cretain anatomical feature found in apporximately half the population).

I shyly mentioned it to one of my bestest friends last night and he concurred "It seems like every time you get on top of things, something goes horribly wrong."  I could not agree more, I am glad it is not just me being self indulgent.

Today is another such example... I am sick as a dog, head full of snot, eyes barely able to focus and it is day 2 on my new job. I was sick yesterday but today it seems the enthusiasm that sustained me through Monday cannot cope with helping out for Tuesday as well. I am struggling with the most exciting and challenging role I have been in since I got offered a fundraising job in a night club in January 2000, and I am sick. It is hard enough being scared that I am underqualified and inexperienced, let alone coping with limited brain capacity.

My intelligence is something I used to think made me fortunate, now I am not so sure, ignorance really is bliss, sometimes I wish I could be dumb and happy. Sometimes I wish I could forget more easily and accept more readily. sometimes I would do almost anything to stop thinking, just for a minute.

Last weekend I spent in Melbourne which was really nice. It is a great city, if freezing cold. If I lived there I could bicycle everywhere, that would be nice. My Mum is moving there in a month, so I guess I will be spedning more time there. I have to go back next week for a night, yet another example of bad timing... Could have gone once thus reducing my carbon load and my burden on the budgets of community organisations. Being away next week means that I miss my friends 3 day visit to Sydney, being away last week meant missing 2 gigs I really wanted to go to, seems petty, but that is the mood I am in.

Oh well, what the fuck can I do about all of this? I will continue to stay positivre, to believe stupidly that things will get better despite all evidence to the contrary. I just hope I can keep it up, sometimes I wonder? People always tell me how strong I am, but that seems like a really dumb thing to say, it just means I have faced more awful shit and survived. Most other people would be "strong" if they had to deal with the tragedies and sorrow that has littered my life, you don't really get much of a choice, the alternative is pretty grim. Strength is a physical thing, this other mental strength people speak of is more like a callous. It is maazing how much horror you can bury deep in your soul and get on with life.

Maybe that is why I have given my working to career to trying to make the world a better place? Since I cannot change my luck maybe my work can help others. I really hope the world will be a better place for me having been in it.

I, of course, received a hilarious and ugly wound to the head with an inanimate object (in this case a slice of my nose was shaved off with a plastic viking hat). It could have been worse, one girl lost half a tooth in an accident involving drunken stupidity and a fountain.

Unfortunately I did not get to greet the new day with Biz as I had planned and hoped to do. I was busy playing nurse to a drug casualty, ce la vie.

All things considered the night was a success and I got to wear my viking hat which never fails to make me happy. Jason expressed a desire to lobby to have my wearing a viking hat at all times compulsory under federal legislation, I would concur except that there are so many other fabulous hats I would like to wear.

In true style I rocked up to the house warming party on the following night still in costume and having had no sleep or shower time! Classy lady.

May the Fourth be with you my friends.

I have a whole lot of nothing to say.

I am in a strange mood, it may be attributed to the head injury I recieved last night. Minor bruising and a lump caused by a CD to the head, yes I kid you not. Probably the most amusing injury since I bruised my groin playing with my poi.

Today is the day of random messages from My Space patrons. Tis the curse of joining all the available internet space things, whatever you will call them, to be public and have my photo out there for all to see. Who are these people who write to strangers based on a photo and some wanky crap about popular culture preferences? Disconnected lives crossing on the twist of optical fibres. Why do people reach out across the ether with comments for strangers they know nothing about? Is it hope or sadness that presses the hand to seek other screens and blank IP addresses to be their friends? Somewhere out there a warm body stares inot a computer screen and conjures messages to try and find another body to make contact with.

I do not know what I want. I have been so focused on getting a job, a home, shoes, clothes to wear to court, I have not stopped to decided what I want, I have just done it. So now I have a job, a home, court clothes and shoes and I am uneasy. 

Since I got back I have been to Byron for Blues and Roots, contracted and recovered from face leprosy, seen many bands, had many drinks, been to a couple of parties, caught up with many friends, had so much glorious food, started poi. There is more, these are the stream of conciousness surface floaters that I am willing to share. Other more private things have happened, but they are mine until I decide I can show them to you, if I ever do.

So much has happened and yet because I am not traveling suddenly I stop writing, I still keep a journal but my public ramblings had, until now, ceased. I know this was set up as a travel journal, the whole point was to inform and entertain my peeps back in Oz, and those I know around the globe, but I like it. I am not going to stop even though I am back, and I know from my blog stats that no one is checking it anymore, so I can say what I like, tempting.

I am sure in some stupid anthropormorphic way a little corner of cyberspace has missed me, no I am not sure, I would just like to believe it. What is the shape of the internet? If all that information was incarcerated on paper and put together, how much would there be?

I will not publish this yet, maybe never. Maybe I will start a new blog where nobody knows and write all the secret words I keep for myself, the private ones that form the inner me. Somewhere to record my angsty poetry and my twisted sentence fragments, to play with language and shape it into the sounds of me. To muse about my life, my friends, my loves, my fears and hopes.

And now recording this, I realise that I have given my blog out again, there is a chance people may still be reading this, hmm, interesting timing. I like the idea of people reading what I write, hence the desire to be a writer, maybe this is why I once again find my fingers straying across the keybaord forming the sentences I leave unsaid.

Maybe I should go home and get some sleep. Maybe I should run away again, but that won't work. Maybe I should let go and drift away.

Dreams and thoughts dart like fish in a sea of words crashing through my mind.

Highlights

Burning Man, Wayne Beef 'n' Ale, Laos, Haad Thian, new friends, European cheese, Sintra, Dead Kennedys at CBGBs, Amsterdam birthday bash, The Himalayas. starry nights in the desert, full moon over Cloth square, the night Utopia expolded, Half Moon Party, Sprakly Eiffel Tower, drunken adventures.

Lowlights

Losing my shoes repeatedly, poverty, Indian trains, airplane food, camera theft, food poisoning, sexual harrasment, bed bugs (and associated allergic reaction), Thai mushrooms, mosquitoes, vaccinations, long bus and train rides, my carbon load.

In summary I spent 9 months away, 161 hours on trains (that is 5 hours shy of a week), 129 hours on buses,  54 hours on planes,  67 hours in cars, I read 59 books (totally over reading now) and made hundreds of friends. No wonder I am tired

I learnt that my skin looks mazing when I am in the desert, that shoes come and go freely, that I am insane and gegarious and a social butterfly. I love travelling and cannot wait to go off and do some more. 

So desperately seeking wealthy sponsor who would like to pay me travel and buy me a stills camera ad a video camera, please.

My last night of travelling was a blast, after breaking the tuk tuk Sam and I stayed up all night drinking and wandering Koh San Road trying to convince people to come to our ping pong show rather then going to theirs. We caused trouble, visited a brothel, ran back into the 8 Irish lads we met in Vang Vieng (not called Scaries apparently Skerries is a place in Ireland, who would have thunk it?) and generally made the most of a touristy smelly little pit that is Bangkok.

I have now missed 2 nights sleep and my plane leaves from here at midnight, so I will be back bug eyed, tired and probably smelly, tomorrow - panicking noises and much choking.

I really want the following things; cheese (especially haloumi), pide, turkish toast with vegemite, roasted pumpkin, soy sausages, not bacon, Newtown Cafe breakfasts, mayonnaise, Torinos pizza, pine nuts, muesli, kiwi friut, oh I should not have started this there are far too many things, soon enough.

This morning after waking up from our stupidly expensive hotel room we set off for food and adventure. Little did we know how much adventure we would have...

Bangkok Tuk Tuk drivers offer you these stupidly cheap tours of the city, then take you places where you get ripped off and they get commission, being wise to their ways we decided to go have a look at some sights and not buy anything at all.....

2 minutes after we got in Sam persauded the driver to pull a wheelie, which he did, a massive wheelie. The tuk tuk came crashing back down to earth so hard the front wheel broke off completely, the suspension split in two and steering fluid spewed everywhere. This caused much laughter and pointing from the Thai onlookers.

The tuk tuk driver dragged the tuk tuk to one side (single lane road) called his mate and we jumped into a new tuk tuk, which we ran away from as soon as we got to the big Buddha (I have seen bigger). We are now hiding from the tuk tuk mafia, well actually more like sitting in air conditioning hiding from the relentless heat, odours, hawkers and humidity of Koh San Road....

So despite being less then 48 hours from home, the laughter and craziness continues... One more sleep, and night on a plane and I am back.... Gulp.

I know yesterday I said there was no point in writing since no one is reading this, that may have been unfair, I am not sure, but I have come to rely on occassionaly venting, ranting, anecdoting (is that a word?), story telling to the unseen internet masses. I may have terrible punctuation and no time for editing, yet I love to write, to wax lyrical and use stupid words like defenestration.

Immodium is the travelers best friend. Once again tonight it will be keeping me safe (and dry) through an overnight bus journey across the border into Thailand (again!). Valium is the second best friend, this is debateable, but immodium whilst being less commonly called upon, is more essential when required. Diazepan is just wonderful for reducing the impact of those long haul trips. A costume is another essential for any long trip, you never know when you will want a pair of cat ears or a fabulous outfit.

Yesterday sucked a lot. Claire and I parted company, I am very sad and extermely jealous, I did consider prostitution as a way of continuing our adventures, but I appear to have broken my finger, and without that finger all of my appeal has gone.... I did also consider the potential employment opportunities my extreme double jointedness presents, but it just led back to whoring.

I also said goodbye to the 14 (?) people we had been hanging out with in Vang Vieng, a very cool crew of people who are all going off to Don Det together, once again sad and jealous.

So here I am. Alone again and on my stupidly long oddessey homeward. In 4 days, 3 buses, 2 planes and 4 countries I will once again return to Australia, be kind; I am feeling kind of fragile. Be patient, I am feeling kind of isolated, be there; I am feeling neglected.

I am home in 4 days, do not be suprised if I am shoeless. It is appropriate really as I will be homeless, unemployed, shoeless, bedless and most likely listless.

So there may be another post from Bangkok, but I doubt since I am pretty sure that only people sharing my DNA are actually reading this and since I am in email contact with them, I am just talking to myself here.

I went tubing on St Paddy's Day which was spectacular, I had an absolute blast, partied hard with some Irish and a lot of other nationalities, loved every second of it. Not so fun the next day, but you get that on thses big missions. I also went tubing yesterday and the day before that, lovely. Yesterday I just had a happy shake and floated down the whole length of the tubing run, really beautiful, so much fun.

I broke up the tubing with a day down at Blue Lagoon which is really special and really blue. There is an amazing limestone cave there full of stalactites and stalacmites, no lights so it is pitch black, no safety rails, really cool.

Laos is officially my favourite country so far, it is so beautiful here. Vang Vieng has these enormous limestone mountains that serve as a background for lush green forests, with the mighty Mekong roaring through valleys. There are fireflys at night and geckos everywhere. The bugs are all massive and there is a very scared Englishman who does not like extremely large spiders. 

So I will be back in 5 days and that is making me sad. Ciao Ciao

No I am not talking about the scary wheeler movie sequel to Dorothy and her shoes, I am talking about coming back to the Emerald city, located in the country I call home (when it suits me).

Apparently some people have noticed my absence (I am guessing it is the lack of text message invites and noise that gave me away) and are wondering if/when I am coming back. Basically I am not sure of the exact date, but it looks like I will be back towards the end of March, depends on the gibbons.

So after the dodgiest border crossing ever from Cambodia into Laos - it included leaving Cambodia and then walking 250 metres to enter Laos, where that put us exactly is anyone's guess, maybe international waters? I have found a reference to the border crossing to Laos in the Australian Department of Foriegn Affiars, it describes the border as "an isolated outpost", and that was the big border, we went to the shack border down the road used by smugglers, it is miles from anything and consists of a rope on a string (literally) and some angry dudes in a hut.

10 hours, 2 boats (one with large anrgy pig onbaord), 2 mini vans and a ute later  and against all odds we finally made it to Si Phan Don (4000 islands) on the Mekong. We stayed on don Det a sleepy little island with no phones, no electricity and an unfathomable number of bugs, my best protein source for months.

After a week of hanging out on the island meeting some extremely cool people, tubing, lying around, swimming, drinking and eating pumpkin burgers, we tore ourselves away from the best lifestyle ever and made the mission to Pakse. The mission to Pakse included a ute with 38 people and a chicken on it and some serious sunburn for Claire.

One of the reasons we went to Pakse was to replenish our funds, oops, big mistake. Somehow, despite having 6 bank accounts between us Claire and I could not get any money, long boring story that ends in tears. Claire sold her dong (oh that will never cease to be funny) to Ryan a lovely Canadian boy we met who is going to Vietnam where they have the funniest currency name in the world.

We are now in Ventiane, the second most boring capital city in the world; after Canberra (sorry Liz but it is true), from here we are planning to go up to Vang Vieng to go tubing down the Mekong, caving and other fun activites for Claire's birthday.

Oh yeah sorry lazy person here; we saw Irrawaddy river dolphins, they are extremely endangered and small, peered at them good and proper. We also went to the biggest waterfall in South East Asia, it was large, wet and made thunder noises. what else? Laos food sucks, especially if you are a vegetarian, oh and they are killnig all the chickens due to people dying of bird flu in Vientiane.

Staying on Don Det in Si Phan Don (4000 islands). It is beautiful and extremely chilled out, have managed to do exactly nothing and I am loving it. Hanging out talking shit with other falangs, smoking doobies, jumping into the Mekong from bars and generally lazing away the day are the activities scheduled for this

Ok now this site has done some stupid formatting thing and I cannot make it work so that is all folks. leg  

After the hot, hot, hot and painful-bum inducing day of cycling yesterday, Claire and I woosed out today and got a tuk tuk around to look at some more amazing ancient ruins. It is amazing, thankfully we have a 3 day pass, 2 days in and we have not seen Angkor Wat yet, we are saving the best for last. What we have seen so far is truly spectacular. These are some seriously ancient, mind blowing structures they have here. All the ruins are based around man made resevoirs (I prefer to think of them as moats, but that may be the influence of too much dragon, castle, maiden fantasy novels as a child). Even though boat traffic is grinding to a halt on the Mekong at this time of year, the resevoirs are full and invitingly wet looking. Then again the puddle left by plant watering, which is full of frogs and other thirsty creatures, looks really inviting.

Latest news, I just gave blood and I have spectacular track marks and an allergic reaction to the bandaid and my arm won't stop bleeding.... But it will save some kiddies and the hospital staff were very impressed with my blood/ bleeding abilities.... And I got a free t-shirt and coconut cookies. Unfortunately for all, they really want B or AB blood and my A is not so needed, I ma sure they will find a use for it.

So in 2 days we begin our trek to Laos to hang on the 4000 islands, go tubing down a river of bars and go trekking with hill tribes. Tomorrow it is back on the bum bruising bicycle to gasp at Angkor Wat and gawk like the blown away traveller I am. Meanwhile; to sleep and dream about large moist bodies of wet stuff, and a pub of friendly faces.

Oh and I have not been able to use my hotmail account for a while so apologies to those who I have ignored!

Claire and I proceeded to forget our troubles at the Frog place on the beach, which had free green shots of doom. We stumbled home to our powerless thus un-fanned room and passed out.

Naturally the next day we had to get a bus, so naturally we were a little seedy. We has to get the bus to stop so Claire could be sick. I felt fine and rather gulity for it....

So we arrived back in Penom Pehn were we have been stuck for a couple of days due to the Laos embassy sucking a great deal. So once mroe we are in the land of heat and deep fried insect snacks, tarantula anyone? We have seen many markets, eaten Mexican and cheesecake (Cambodian food is crap) and been in a slow speed tuk-tuk crash, so there is nothing left to do here. Tomorrow we are off to Siam Reap to investigate this Angkor Wat place and see why Cambodia is the only country in the world with a building on their flag, should be good.

*This little gem is a direct quote from Claire

In recent times; I have been working on my tan, losing shoes and enhancing my ability to lie still for long streches of time. Claire and I went out to an island and spent the night there, much fun was had by all. The island is billed as a place to chill out and get away from it all, I am sure it was exactly that before we arrived and made it all loud. I have done lots of peering at the fishies on coral reefs and avoiding the sea urchins of doom. Apart from that not really done much at all; Sihanoukville has been lovely.

Me and the wagon have had a disagreement about directions and it seems I have now been forcibly ejected back into the gutter. I remember now why free shots and buckets of gin and tonic are a sure fire way to do some silly dancing, lose pool competitions and wake up seedy. I have not laughed as much as I did last night for a very long time, feels good. India was practically booze free, so Cambodia has been a re-education for me and the art of drinking. Some nice moments, having a drunken conversation in an Irish accent with a Canadian, much to the amusement of the 2 English representatives, sing alongs on the beach (mainly the theme song to Round the Twist), arguing with taxi drivers who try and rip you off because you are drunk and eating tofu burgers every second meal.

Off to Penom Phen tomorrow then onto Siam Reap shortly after. I ma really excited about Laos as everyone I meet who has been there raves about it.

So in true Aussie style, we met some other tourist revellers and drank blue cocktails. I proceeded to have an arguement with an extremely unpleasant man from Machester and then storm off to bed very late. I have not met so many Sydney siders in one place since I was in Amsterdam.

So this morning my alarm failed in some sepctacular way that meant we woke up 4 minutes before our bus was supposed to depart. Somehow we got up, put on clothes, paid our bill and shambled to the bus stop discussing our options. To our absolute amazement we discovered that the bus was still there despite us being 15 minutes late. The bus then stopped three times so we could find an ATM and get cash out to pay for our visas into Cambodia, earning us the title of ATM Girls. I am sure we probably smelled like a brewery, but noone was rude enough to comment on it.

The 6 hour bus trip was delightful, the hangover not so much, but the comfortable seats, air conditioning and overall luxuriousness of the bus blew my India scarred mind. The Cambodian roads were not the best, but getting air out of your seat on these buses, did not inspire a heart wrenching moment of sheer terror.

So far loving Cambodia, it is much more chilled then Ho Chi Minh and seems really clean. I will probably love it even more when I have had some sleep and a chance to have a look around more.

I said goodbye to Jason this morning and met Claire a couple of hours later. I have now seen more friends today then I have for a very long time, yay. Can't wait to see the rest of ya, unfortunately the setting may not be quite as exotic and for some of you nom-residents of the Emerald City, it maybe a little bit further in the future then I can predict accurately.

Oh and apparently you don't have to worry about mosquitos in cities in Indochina as the water is too polluted for them to breed. Phew.

I am not sure how many of you have noticed the Google ads that appear down the side of my posts, but they are probably why this free blog exists and sometimes they are hilarious. In order to fuck with the system and for pure scientific purposes I am going to post a list of keywords and see what ads get linked. I am very curius especially since I noticed an ad for a Jehovahs Witness holiday beside one of my posts.

Here goes; valium, religion, sex, barbie, activism, sex, Australian politics, sex, dolphins, campervans, resorts, hotel, sex, dinner, golf, sex, freedom, kites, camels, elephants, sex, beach, testosterone,  organic, vitamins, sepulchre, sex, rainwater tank,  doom, sleeplessness, Cliff Richards, cats, sex, flying pigs, sirens, loopholes, excel spreadsheets, toilet breaks, caravan, sex, emu, ambassador, Mercedes, sex, fridge, helicopter, Tarzan, lycra, aquarobics, beer, brast enlargement, Franciscan, power tools, values, Pi, sex, babies, agraphobia, gaol break, Paris Hilton topless, quicksand, Isaac Newtown, communism, custard, proliferation, frenzied, punching bags, gorillas, snooker, Ronald Reagan.

Te he, lets see what the results of that are!!

It seems that this time, I have food poisoning. Thats right I ma in tropical paradise in a hut on a private beach and I have been ill, very ill. Boo. Thankfully Jason arrived in time to take care of me as I lay around being ill.

Jason wants everyone to know he is alive and well, and desires no contact with the outside world.

It really is paradise here, there are definitely very few places more beautiful that I have seen. Now that I am geting better I can appreciate the coral reef and amazing food and lying around a lot more.

Also after traveling in the filthiest country I have ever been to, India, without the slighest hint of a stomach problem, I have gotten ill in Thailand. Go figure. There are other factors to explain why I got ill, but they can wait for a face to face explanation.

It is beautiful here, but very touristy and full of people who are far too young to be out without a grown up, oh wait that is just me being old. There are far too many of the beautiful people here. I freaked out in a supermarket yesterday, could not handle it, too much for my poor brain.

Full Moon party tonight and I am thinking about staying in and reading my book. What the hell has happened to me?

Exhausted jet setter calms

India is over

I am bummed to miss the Big Day Out, for the first time since 1995 (gosh that makes me feel old). I think maybe this trip is more then compensation though. So to all who are there right now, enjoy, I know I would be.... TOOL.

Interesting trivia; today is also India day, so I get to see how it compares to Australia Day. Actually I do not know what Australia Day is like, as, for the last 12 years I have spent it at the BDO, so I guess I just get to see it with no comparisons to be made.

Observation; traveling in India is like being trappd in an epsiode of Fawlty Towers that takes place on a Mardi Gras float.

That is all from me until Thailand.

The bad news is that I cannot trek to the start of the Ganges as, at this time of year it is cut off by 3 feet of ice and is closed. However, I can see the glacier form my hotel window so I am happy. It would have been amazing to make it there, but my general fitness would need to be a lot better (altitude 7000m) and it would need to be a month that is not the second coldest in this part of the world. But I have seen it through a telescope and every day from my bed, close enough for me, what is 60kms when your are flying 35 000 miles anyway?

Speaking of cold, oh dear, I am so happy I have my sleeping bag and lots of clothes, our hotel room is 6 degrees over night, it is so cold up here. I love it, it is amazing, the air is so dry, the wind is so cold I am sure it is about to snow (despite the lack of clouds).

Strange things I did not expect to find two and a half kilometres up a mountain in India; Dominoes Pizza, the first cup of espresso coffee I have had in India (I gave up drinking coffee when I got hewre so after that I was bouncing off the walls, great fun!) and a roller skating rink. We tried to go roller skating yesterday, but the rink is only open during the tourist season. Tourist season here runs from May to June..... Our room is 2300 rupees in peak season, we are paying 300 rupees, very strange, very specific season, the whole town is focused on 2 months of the year, weird place.

This afternoon I am planning to walk around the town and stand around slack jawed staring at the clouds below me and experimenting with getting drunk at altitude, I will let you know how all this goes.

So here I stay until I begin my insane odessey to get to Ko Samui / Ko Pha Nagn in Thailand. It will take 3 days, 1 jeep, 1 train, 3 planes and a 4 hour boat trip to get there, but it should be amazing. thank God I have been in training for insane missions.

My poor body, by the time I get to Thailand I will have dragged it from humid beaches to desert to mountains to tropical jungle in less then 4 weeks. Good thing I plan on spending 2 weeks lying around not doing much in Thailand before heading to Vietnam.

The Taj Mahal is astonishing, the inlays are heart wrenchingly stunning and the acousitcs in the main building (the big white one you always see) are awesome, I would love to hear singing there it would be so cool. There is a whole cluster of buildings aside from the big white one, there are red mosques and gardens. It is beautiful, jury is still out on whether it is worth another ride in and Indian bus....

This was followed by a 13 hour train trip to get 460 kilometes, which is absolutely absurd, we could have gotten to Rishikesh faster on virtually any other form of transport, including Butch the Angry Camel. But we are here in RIshikesh in the foothills of the Himalayas and it is stunning, one of the most beautiful places I have ever been.

From here we are going to trek to the glacier that feeds the Ganges and 2 other sacred rivers in India. We leave from a town that is at 2000 metres elevation, I cannot wait. It is one of the things I wanted to do in India, make it to the start of the Ganges. It does mean that once again I need to travel across half of India, to get my flight to Thailand. If anyone wants to check out just how mad this trip has been, have a look at  map of India, then check out how far it is from the southern most tip (varkala) to Pushkar (I did it one go on a train) then to Rishikesh which is right up in the north. In 12 days I have been from Varkala to Rishikesh, some 3000 kilometres of travel, on buses and trains, no wonder I have slept 9 hour a night for the last week...

Here in Rishikesh the Ganges is breathtaking, it is clean and blue and stunning, quite a contrast to the pollution further south. In fact the Ganges is so filthy that for this years Kubla Mela (massive religious ceremony involving 7 million people taking a sin cleansing dip in the sacred Ganges) they have had to add fresh water to dilute the pollution which is so horrendous it will even kill Indians, and trust me they can survive phenomenonal levels of filth. 1 in 10 people in the world rely on the Ganges for survival, scary stuff.

I am so pleased I am seeing fresh pristine India, with such a heart breakingly beautiful river, and gorgeous hills I understand why it is a sacred town. We are here in the complete off season, so we have or hotel to ourselves and the restaurants offer things like cheese sandwhiches becasue no one else is crazy enought to come here at this time of the year, so everyone is comeletely unprepared for us. It is nice to escape the hordes and hang out here, and I am inlove with my sleeping bag. I am finally pleased I lugged the stupid thing all the way around the world, it has saved me from freezing my balls off for the last 2 weeks, and I love it so very much.

My camel (real name Gopal, I re-named him Butch the angry camel) did not like other camels, or people, or doing what it was told, or keeping up with the other camels. I did not mind the slow pace as I was scared witless and quite happy to move at snails pace. I did mind when the camel tried to bite other camels and when going down hills (an exercise that means you need to pretty much lie down in order to avoid sliding off the camel) Butch would attempt to run, causing me to gasp in fear, which in turn caused our guides to nearly wet themselves laughing at me. Bliss's camel was a racing camel, thank god I did not get the racing camel, those things can really move.

I don't kow how many of you have gotten up close and personal with a camel, but they are weird looking things and they are tall.... While sitting on one, going past traffic, I could not help but notice that I was the same height as the passing buses, I could have climbed on the roof of the coach from my camel. They are also smarter then I gave them credit for. When we stopped for the evening the guides secured the camels by tying a rock to their reins and burying the rock. Bliss's camel Gloria, promptly pulled the rock out by pulling on her reins with her teeth and dropping the rock with a thud. Thankfully Butch did not quite have Gloria's brains, or speed and he had a much bigger rock.

The guides spent a lot of time very amused by us crazy white girls, then spent the night entertaining each other... But not before making us some amazing food and putting us to bed, at 7:00pm. We are assuming it was so they could get some alone time, in their beds half a metre away from us. The two miniature men rode the camels with us, which caused more merriment for the onlookers (everything you do in India attracts a crowd, when you are tall, blonde and white, and usually they laugh at you) I can only imagine how we must of looked, tiny Indian man behind enormous white girl on tall, long-lashed, bad tempered, farting camel.

The desert was freezing by night and the sounds of dog fights were a little scary, and the fact that our angry camels were metres away from where we slept was also not so comfortable, but we had our sleeping bags and the big heavy blankets supplied by the tiny little, laughing, loving Indian men and the stars, which were mind blowing. Sleeping under the stars in the desert was spectacular, so weird not having the stars in the right place, but absolutely beautiful skies. We saw a shooting star ( after waiting expectantly for some time) and spent a lot of time gazing up at the constellations.

The next day we returned to town, moving slowly through the town centre, I was less terrified by this time, but still dreading the prospect of getting back off the camel. Mount and dismount from a camel is complicated and for me, terrifying. the way a camel stands is to first raise it rear legs, leaving you pretty much standing up in the reins, with nothing to hold onto and panic surging through your veins, followed by another heart stopping lurch into a full stand. I was left dry mouthed and shaking after the first time. It did get easier, but not that much.

Camels aside Pushkar is amazing, the Bangh lassi flows freely, instead of booze (illegal here, but still we are offered it at twice it's normal price by our hotel proprietor who shall remain anonymous) and it is cheap, crazy and most definitely India.

There was a kite festival yesterday which was magical. We returned from our camel safari early in the morning and spent pretty much the rest of the day on our hotel rooftop, looking across the whole of Pushkar and it's sacred lake watching kites soar. We flew many kites poorly, and had kite fights with our neighbours, I believe we lost all bar one. Kites would plummet out of the sky and replace our losses regularly, making the collection of nationalities inability to fly kites no barrier. All of this in a valley in a desert surrounded by hills and temples with a sacred lake at its heart, amazing.

Time behaves differently on trains, it becomes a slippery changeable thing, it drags on so and then suprises you by racing away. You stop thinking in terms of ridiculous Western ideas like timetables, schedules and deadlines and instead time is broken up and measured by pages i