Because I am cleaning the fucking floor with them.  I know it's been a while, but that's only because some days the headlines aren't particularly inspiring or I'm just not feeling on top of my game.  I might make you wait, but Christ knows I'm going to verbally break someone's ass when I get around to it.  Click "read more" for the abbreviated news coupled with my trademark sarcastic bullshit.

"Bloody week for U.S. troops in Iraq: 24 killed" - I move that we stop writing the same goddamned thing week in and week out, and just fill the space consumed by this recycled death toll article with a big counter that ticks up in real time as soldiers meet their demise.  This might seem a bit of a morose suggestion, but it's already been made pretty clear that the lives of however many thousand people are little more than a spectacle for a compassionless news media here stateside.  Also, I will be entering the first bid to program the system that handles the satellite-relayed "I am dead" transmissions from the soldiers' collars.

"NYPD reveals London July 7 bombing details" - What.  The.  Fuck.  I apologize, but I saw a need to forsake grammar in favor of dramatic effect.  New York cops... London bombings... sorry, this just isn't making enough sense for me to give a shit.  Next!

"UK bomb suspects to appear in court" - I liked it better when they were just whisked away to some dark hole in Cuba, never to be mentioned again.  But I suppose I'll have to humor the British in their attempts at being the last bastion of due process in this "compassionate" new world.

"Canada crash flight recorders discovered" - My first thoughts went something like this: 'Holy shit, a plane crash!  Why haven't I heard anything about it?'  The article itself answered my question: 'It crashed on the FUCKING RUNWAY and EVERYONE ON BOARD LIVED.'  Why doesn't the goddamned Canadian Transportation Safety Board come up with a term for this type of incident that doesn't involve the word "crash"?  The airplane equivalent of a fender bender, if you will...

"NASA fixes one glitch, ponders another" - In light of all the recent fuckups... oh sorry, "glitches", I'm beginning to wonder when they will start pondering whether man WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN OUTER SPACE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

"Tropical stormjustoffthecoasotofacapejetstreamyarrrrBLAHBLAHBLAHbla" - Enough said.

"Martha Stewart's home confinement extended" - This made me feel a hell of a lot better about violating my own probation.  You'd think that a person who became a multimillionaire by marketing herself as a homemaker would not be so upset about her home confinement.

"Man holding daughter shot dead in apparent road rage" - I hate to play devil's advocate all the time, but I think you know what I thought as soon as I read this.  Man finally gives in to reason after seeing moron play with daughter while weaving in the fast lane on the interstate at a consistent 45 mph for SEVEN FUCKING MILES DURING RUSH HOUR RAWWRRRRRR

"Lucky few get food in starving Niger" - Hehehe, 'starving Niger'.  Hehe... (I'm aware that I'm probably going to hell for this one, and come to think of it, I was probably going to hell anyway.  So stop emailing me.  Yes, you, NAACP.  I'm talking directly to you.  Nobody cares, so shut the fuck up.)

"Brain-dead woman dies after childbirth" - Dear God, Keep up the good work.  Love, Josh.  This sounds harsh even to me until I remember my wretched childhood in Waynesboro, ridiculed daily by all the kids whose brain-dead parents somehow lived on to raise them.

Our top story today is that the late former city commissioner of Miami was such a tard that he didn't even know how to kill himself properly.  Click below to read on...

"Ex-commissioner kills self in newspaper lobby" - Many people suck at life, it's actually fairly common.  But to suck at suicide, that's another degree of sucking entirely.  I would like to bring to your attention two quotes from this article: 'Arthur E. Teele Jr. shot himself in the head', and 'Teele died about two hours later at a hospital.'  What the fuck?  Was he just that bad at aiming?  How does one manage to mastermind crimes that lead to a large-scale political corruption investigation without having at least a decent concept of where his own fucking brain is?

"Shuttle docks at station; future flights on hold" - I was thinking about the docking video and how it kind of resembles sexual intercourse.  I thought I was just being immature and silly until I came to the disheartening realization that the shuttle is just a massive government-sponsored phallic symbol anyway.

"Sources: UK denied US request to grab bomb suspect" - That's great!  So when do we start bombing western Europe?  (paraphrased from Get Your War On.)

"Energy bill passes with billions of tax breaks for big oil" - Despite the insidious behavior this headline connotes, the story itself is not shocking in the slightest.  The only shocking aspect is that after five and a half years of this shit, the news media is somehow still capable of acting like this is some kind of big fucking surprise, given that the President of the United States is a director for a fucking oil company. (Ed: four and a half years, but I chalk this up to every moment lived under a neo-Fascist regime seeming like a FUCKING GODDAMNED ETERNITY.)

"Reward offered in missing pregnant woman case" - Yes, your $10k reward sounds highly motivational in encouraging me to deal with some other hyper-hormonal bitch's bullshit for more than like five minutes.  Here's some "information that leads to the discovery of her whereabouts" for you: the girl is doomed unless you up the ante a little bit.  Anyone who's ever spent any significant amount of time around a pregnant woman will know exactly what I'm talking about.

"Car Princess Diana died in sent to London" - I'm not sure what new evidence they're hoping to find eight years after the fact, but I bet it would make a killer episode of Forensic Files.

"Try on jeans, get free song?" - Fuck the Gap, and fuck every musician who is permitting their intellectual property to be peddled in this demeaning manner.  And fuck everyone who has more money than I do, just for good measure.

"Billboard lists hottest 'summer' songs" - If by 'hot', you mean 'crappy', which seems to be consistent with the linguistics of modern pop music.  If you want something 'hot', look no further than Billboard's retarded list of what you should buy based on what is selling well already.  If you want something innovative and more skillfully performed than they could ever dream of their 'hot' artists coming up with, you should check out this.

Ok I'll be honest, I have no idea how any intro text could adequately keep your attention after that killer title.  You know by now whether you like my shit, just read it...

"Hurricane Emily heads for Mexico-Texas border" - Electrify the fences.  Welcome to the States!  Also, it recently blew through the famed Yucatan peninsula; my only hope is that it didn't in any way harm the photo on the wall of Señor Frog's depicting the aftermath of Jon's record-setting drinking competition from a few years ago.

"Three London bombers visited Afghanistan" - I'm confused.  Was this the old, not-free Afghanistan, or the new, free Afghanistan?  Trick question, they're both fascist.

"Reporter: Cheney aide echoed CIA agent ID" - Can we skip the media shitstorm and cut straight to the public executions in the streets sequence?  I have a feeling that would make me more likely to read this article.

"Lightning strikes family reunion, soldiers" - I had to click on this one just in case there were pictures, because lightning hitting people is fucking cool!  My favorite part was this quote from one of the people at the picnic who saw her family getting zapped:  'A lot of us were in shock for what it [sic] seemed like a long time, but it was within seconds that we were running around, helping people.  A lot of us were on our knees, praying.'  I'm sorry, I could have sworn you said you were helping them.

"Bomber Eric Rudolph sentenced to life" - This is the guy that was responsible for Atlanta abortion clinic bombings as well as the explosion that went off during the 1996 Olympics.  I found it to be another excellent example of the pathetic hilarity of the modern Christian pussy.  He said that lethal force was necessary in combating a place that was responsible for murdering babies, then one of the nurses injured in the clinic blast called him out hardcore: 'When it was your turn to face death you weren't so brave again.'  (in reference to his plea bargain to dodge the death penalty)  Owned.

"Treasure from ancient Pompeii unveiled" - Apparently, the only objects that survived the devastation brought on by a series of volcanic eruptions were the flatware, which is somehow immaculately preserved:

I would suspect a conspiracy if the falsified information didn't seem so insignificant.

"Sandra Bullock marries TV star" - It's official.  Drop your controllers, Jesse James just won the game.

"Rowling: 'Dreading' Potter's end" - Let me get this straight... the hack writer of these subpar, formulaic, and overall boring children's books is 'dreading' thinking up something original with which to replace her current MULTIBILLION-DOLLAR INCOME?!?  No shit?  I would be dreading getting off of my ass after riding the bookstore/theater fanfare wave for as long as it would carry my creatively decrepit carcass, too.

A dreadful wave of mass idiocy has once again befallen this world.  They are upon us, their numbers too overwhelming to be properly cleansed.  Yes, my fellow humans, it is time once more that we face...

THE HARRY POTTER FANS!!!!!! FUUUCCKKKK!!!!##

To start things off, I'd like to point out that I can't be too terribly offensive to you FUCKING NUMBSKULL MORON FUCKS that are somehow STILL obsessed with this debacle of British juvenile fiction.  My reasoning for this is of course that the hottest girl on the face of the fucking planet is currently at a Harry Potter party.  So I will keep my Potter commentary on the actual headlines portion to a minimum.  Let's begin:

"Harry Potter Frenzy Begins" - JKASDKJFAJFKAKJSDFJKASKGJSAKJASKJGASKJSADKFJSAKFJASGKJA;SDWHY GODWHYDOYOUTORMENTMESO.  There, that was sufficiently concise, and to the root of my angst.  Next topic.

"Sources: Explosives found in Britain apartment" - Excellent work, British police.  But why the fuck does Pottermania trump this for the top story?

"Police: Coach paid kid to hurt disabled teammate" - This represents a great victory for the pro-retard segment of the abominable Affirmative Action movement.  Unfortunately, it seems, the victim of the beating was not the only retard involved.  Also, twenty-five bucks doesn't seem like a lot to pay for hired thuggery and sports rigging.  Maybe some insidious organization of eight-year-old Little League pitchers is in the first throes of a sort of shady business powerplay on shit that used to only be well handled by badass-looking Sicilians in suits.

"Schwarzenegger ends deal with fitness mags" - Why the fuck does it matter what the Governator does when he's off the clock?  I've never understood this shit... like you'd think that being a hulky bodybuilder son of a bitch would get you a few more business opportunities than running a state full of fucking lunatics and homosexuals.

"Emily weakens en route to Jamaica" - Belongs on Weather.com and certainly not the index of CNN.

"NASA delays shuttle launch...again" - The irritated tone of this headline makes me think our good journalists of the Associated Press are perhaps a bit impatient.  Hurry the fuck up, NASA!  What does it take a fucking rocket scientist to get a simple rocket into space or something?

"Attacks kill 26 Iraqis, 2 Marines" - Well at least they're finally starting to kill each other off instead of our guys so much.  If this trend continues, Iraq will fall off the face of the goddamned Earth in approximately two to three years, in which case I could not be happier.  Fucking sick of hearing about their stupid political infancy, anyway.

"SI.com: Tears as Nicklaus waves goodbye" - I'm sorry, I was under the impression that I was reading CNN, not SI.  Haha, tricked you!  We have a sketchy multibillion-dollar cross-promotional deal!  You will read, daresay enjoy, our utter lack of relevance!

"Convertible competition heats up" - My synopsis: there are six new models of Perceived Penis Length (PPL) -enhancing devices on the market, none of which you peasants will ever be able to afford.

I mean seriously what the fuck, CNN?  This kind of "human interest piece", pop culture -obsessed carebear bullshit posing as actual relevant information is the reason I changed my homepage to your site from MSN.

"Dennis storms ashore, weakened" - Who the fuck cares?  Nobody except those directly in its path, that's who.  I'm reasonably certain they have ample warning what with their local weather report, word-of-mouth, FUCKING SIRENS GOING OFF IN THE STREETS, etc etc.  Get this shit off of my screen.

"Remains identified as Idaho 9-year-old girl" - I know nothing.

"Insurgent bombers kill 30 in Iraq" - /target Iraq /goodbye... I'm goddamned serious, if I hear the words "resolve" and "great nation", and "morals" while we're at it, used one more time by some slimebag politician I'm going to fucking puke blood all over my keyboard.

"Londoners urged to return to routines" - Don't mind the shrapnel-ridden gory fucking mess that used to be the bus that took you to work.  Nothing to see here, move along.

"Relatives search hospitals for missing" - Yawn.

"North Korea to rejoin nuclear talks" - What kind of fucked up world do we live in where the dictator of some Asian fascist state that had a failed powerplay like 50 years ago has a more solid understanding of mutually assured destruction theory than the President of the United States?

"'Fantastic Four' performs heroically at box office" - GAYEST. COMIC. EVAR.

"Armstrong no longer wearing yellow" - Remind me why I give a shit about some world-class cyclist's fashion decisions?  Oh wait, I don't.  I don't even give enough of a shit about this guy to know who he is from the last name and a vague statement about his wardrobe color preferences.  That's right, I actually had to click the link before I could make fun of this one.  As expected, pushing the mouse button turned out to be another waste of seven calories that could have been used to raise this beer to my lips and enable me to more swiftly forget about the depressing piece of shit that journalism has turned into.

"Newborn panda survives critical first day" - Ok there is enough room in this cold, embittered heart to still fit an affinity for the likeness of my childhood favorite stuffed animal.  If you're looking for some rude jackass to somehow make a crack on a panda cub, look elsewhere.  I am rude enough to crack on about anything else though.

I would look at an extended headlines list but I'm just that goddamned lazy.  Expect to hear from me whenever CNN takes another colossal dump on their index page.

Postscriptum: I accidentally left this on "Draft" status a few days ago and didn't publish it until tonight.  I'm sure you'll live.

Today's headlines mostly consist of the idiotically detail-obsessed London bombing coverage.  Mostly.  Read on for the lines and my commentary.

Since this is the first entry in the new thread, I'll go ahead and give a brief explanation of the premise: the news is depressing, and I'm finding myself more often than not just reading the headline, thinking of some sardonic comment on it to myself, and skipping the goddamned article entirely.  So I was sitting around this morning wondering what the hell I was going to do with this blog, while consuming my usual caffeine/nicotine cocktail (ok, it might have included some vodka, not going to lie) and reading the news.  And it just suddenly made sense.  Why be a cynical bastard all to myself?  Why not share it with the world?

So let's get things started, shall we?  Today's headlines are as follows.

"Police: Bombs Were Small, Portable" - Bravo, Scotland Yard.  It took them how many days to make this brilliant deduction after several bombs went off on city buses?

"Search For Bomb Clues Is Urgent" - As opposed to, you know, those other kind of terrorist attacks where the search for clues is kind of lackluster and not that important.

 "US copes with 'inevitability' of attack" - Just like we did before "inevitability" was some fucking hot buzzword.  Remember those days before the Bush Regime took power, when terrorist attacks happened every once in a while anyway?

"Bombing Horror Captured on Cell Phones" - Click here for mp3's.  My god, I would pay so much if some sadistic fuck made a ringtone out of this.

"Dennis' winds top 150 mph" - Why is weather only news during tropical storm season?

"NASA: Shuttle to weather Dennis on the pad" - Well, let them do it if they want.  I mean fuckin' A, they're NASA.  It's not like they ever lost a shuttle... oh wait.  Also, "Dennis on the pad" just sounds weird.  Thumbs down to the editor that let that slip through.

"Twister rips up Atlanta Motor Speedway" - Thank you, Jesus.  The only way this could be better news is if there had by some glorious miracle been 100,000 NASCAR fans in the speedway at the time.

and last but certainly least...

"Cheney's pacemaker checks out okay" - Dammit.

Thanks for reading, and there's more to come because as long as CNN keeps crapping out this Zoloft-fodder, I can keep thinking of sarcastic bullshit to say about it.