Alleged 9/11 mastermind closer to trial - The writ of habeas corpus, however, is still being electrocuted in some undisclosed location.

Drill hole may reach miners today - I, for one, have no fucking sympathy.  What does it cost, like 80 bucks for gas to get out of coalmine country?  If you don't want one of your occupational hazards to be FALLING DOWN A HOLE WHERE NO ONE WILL EVER FIND YOU, move out of the sticks to a real city and get a job as a damn clerk or something.  Appalachia never ceases to amaze me with the depths of its stupidity.

Mayor 'demonized' gays, protesters say - I'd rather be demonized than dragged behind a truck until my body splintered apart, to be honest.

Ticker: Bush on Obama: Leave me out of it - Bush on Osama: same response.  This prez couldn't go lame duck fast enough to suit me at this point.  And the fucking media is still frontpaging his ass when he declines to comment.  Sickening.

DHS taking over checking passenger info - And here I was thinking airport security wasn't that bad on my trip to Vegas a month ago... evidently, the reason it wasn't a huge hassle was because the fucking GOVERNMENT WASN'T HANDLING IT.

Russian bomber flies over U.S. base - Media sensationalism at its purest.  They're freaking out because a young Russian crew flew a patrol into the Pacific, waved to a US fighter pilot, and went home.  The Russian officials said it was routine, and the US ones are trying to cover up the "incident" by saying they didn't come within 100 miles of any American aircraft.  I don't think I'm surprised by anything the Bush Regime is obviously lying about anymore.  If they were ever obviously telling the truth about something, then I'd be shocked.

Fossils reveal different theory of humans - This new evidence actually supports the theory of Spaghetti Monsterism.  Come on, Christianity, you know your religion sucks dick when Spaghetti Monsterists are making more sense than you.

CNNMoney: GM to test Volt electric car - I'm so sick of people saying they think EV's are so much better for the environment than vehicles with standard internal-combustion engines.  Do you have any idea how much electricity it takes to power an EV?  Where do you think all that magic make-stuff-work juice that comes out of the wall originates?  It's not a make-believe fairy land in the fucking sky, I'll tell you that much.

BOTOX bandit leaves 'before' pics behind - Modern materialism has devolved us into this.  Someone steals plastic surgery, as though they're not going to be recognized by the witnesses.  My work here is done; the comedy writes itself.

MSN: Want a second date?  Pay for the first - I can summarize the article thusly: some feminazi is attempting to resolve her hypocrisy with her selfishness by arguing that a man paying for the first date reflects upon his character.  God forbid that we could fetch a higher median salary with which to buy her fucking lobster, though.  If we're really trying to be completely gender-objective about this, what does it say about her character that she expects a bunch of free meals?  The truth lies in that the male's status as the pursuing party in the mating process is inextricably hardwired into our genetics.  This is a truth recognized by feminists only at times when it's convenient to their personal agendas, such as when they are hungry.

Laura, Jenna Bush writing children's book

Once in a while, a headline comes along that is just too good.  This is one such headline.  For this, I present to you a new segment of HIR...

The Lightning Round!!!!!!!1

This is what happens when you replace normal machinegun ammunition with sardonic quips.  Ready?  Go!

They can write?*

Wasn't it enough to gut Afghanistan and Iraq for their oil?  Now they're declaring JK Rowling a hostile target as well, apparently.

I wonder if Dubya will read it.

I wonder if Dubya will be able to read it.

The President isn't leaving much of a legacy, but this is the glimmer of hope that the Bush clan might be known for something positive by posterity.

Then again, someone probably would have said the same thing if Prescott Bush's wife and daughter wrote some stupid book after WWII.**

I'd rather have someone write me a storybook about where the fucking WMD's went.

David Rees is probably having his own separate field day as I'm writing this.

* - Stolen from eProdigy of Complete Apathy, although this was also my initial reaction.

** - If you're not familiar with the Bush family's long history of war profiteering, this article at the Guardian should prove to be an interesting read.

• U.S., allies protest China's satellite-killing missile
  

This is going to fuck up my phone service, isn't it?  When their next-door neighbor N.K. has a fucking nuke and no evident understanding of the benefits of using conventional versus high-casualty weapons, do I really give a shit that China can destroy satellites that are probably being used to watch me pee?

• Steve Irwin's widow, daughter meet media

Get your shit together, CNN.  Either I did a little too much acid in college, or this headline links to a video of the AFC Championship press conference.

• Tony Blair aide arrested in funds probe

Is it a poor indicator of the times in which we live that a scandal about "trading honors" (whatever that even means) doesn't seem like such a big deal when the moral compass for politics over the past few years has been Bush's administration?  I mean, they actively sought to cover up a child molestation case to protect a US Senator who was chairman of the Child Services committee, for fuck's sake.  You're going to have to do better than "trading honors" to out-bastard us, England.  America invented the political scandal.  And it's not one of those shitty inventions like the car or the television where the Japanese immediately took up the mantle, either.

• Kidnapped boy would testify, parents say | Read

Boring.  I actually clicked on the one about the YouTube video of two 9th grade girls fighting before they were even finished with this interview.  I needed to see some underage chicks beating the shit out of each other, STAT, before I went totally narcoleptic and lost what I'd written so far on this entry.  The most shocking aspect of this second sensationalized piece of trash was that someone in mainstream media actually knew how to correctly use the word "videographer" in a sentence.  That and the teachers wouldn't let the students listen to their iPods in class after the incident.  I repeat: the students are normally allowed to ignore the teachers in favor of their pirated music collections, but because someone used a cameraphone to tape a fight in the halls, they are no longer allowed to have iPods.  This utter ignorance on the part of the school staff makes me want to bash a 14-year-old's head into concrete.

• DA: Student stabbed classmate in hallway

Why the fuck was there no YouTube video of this?

• Mondale rips Cheney for giving bad advice to Bush

By shifting blame to the VP instead of the Commander-in-Chief, Mondale is implicitly putting himself in Bush's corner on the matter of the war.  This would make him one of about three* people left in the world that still thinks the "stand there and get shot at until democracy prevails" strategy has a prayer of working eventually.

* No, I don't count the deep South.  They're not "people", in the sense of the word as I use it, so much as "dragchutes".  But I'll save that neo-Darwinian rant for a later edition.

• Tax evader says he's armed, ready to fight

And this year's winner of the coveted Toastyghost's Double Goathorn Salute For Spitting In The Face Of Authority award is... (drumroll, please)

• Time.com: Grim milestone: 500 amputees

What kills me about this article is the attached picture of lucky #500 getting ready to take a jog with President Bush.  I realize that CNN is pulling the "inspirational story of human perseverance" card yet again, but that DC footway conversation must have been just magical... "So, uh... give me my legs back, motherfucker."

• Flashy old cars fetch big prices | Gallery

I don't give a shit how much Kid Rock's '59 Caddy sold for.  This isn't news.

• American Idol: 'I don't think Simon liked me'

News flash: Simon doesn't like anybody.  I usually identify with people that hate everything, since I am one of them, and therefore can genuinely sympathize with their frustration in dealing with a nonstop stream of idiots all day.  Simon Cowell, however, is just the sort of pompous ass that I disdain for making a mockery out of... well, mockery.  He thinks he's the shit because he can tell when someone sings a sour note, his comments aren't very witty, and he complains constantly about what he does when he's basically made a living (and a damn good one) out of doing nothing.  He's a non-musician, non-creative person in some sort of executive capacity in the music industry.  This means that his sole purpose in this world is to push fucking paper and get rich off of other people's blood, sweat, and tears.  People like him should be persecuted as pariahs, not placed upon pedestals.  (Forgive the excessive alliteration; it seriously just happened like that.)  At any rate, I find it hilarious (and telling) that American Idol clips, and Larry King for that matter, are more entertaining at double speed.  Yes, that actually is all that my acute ADD permitted me to glean from this video: "People talking fast is funny."  Are you really surprised?

• Muslims protest being the bad guys on '24'

This headline is what the entry title was in reference to.  And before you go accusing me of overt racism, there are two points I would like to first make in my defense.  Foremost, I have never denied that I am an overt racist.  This ascertains that all of the right people are pissed off and don't talk to me.  The less stupid people I talk to, the better.  Further, I am not so blind in my comedic stereotyping as to be unaware that there is a certain pervasive, and in most cases undue, wariness toward people of Arab descent since 9/11, but to protest an allegorical suspense plot featuring the entirely plausible scenario of Muslims committing acts of terror is just outright stupid.  You want to pull the race card?  Fine.  But I'm not going to get off the phone until television is completely devoid of the drunken Irish stereotype, because I am not an alco... ok, bad example.  But you know what I mean.  I'm not saying that I think the new season of 24 promotes good race relations, but rather that it is fictitious, a fact that many if not most of its critics seem to have ignored entirely, so it falls under creative domain and therefore isn't compelled to promote or decry anything.  It exists to tell a story.  If you don't like that story, change the fucking channel.

• SI.com: Vet accused of giving horses vodka

After the Feds riddle the tax evader guy with bullets, his award is being given to this guy.  I've given my friend's ferret beer, sure.  Everybody has.  But this?  This is just awesome.

Guess what, kids!  My blog is now even wysiwyger and interactiver than ever before!  That's right, I'm actually linking the articles for this go-round.  Don't expect me to make a regular thing of this again, since this one is by special request.

• Social worker slain, baby missing | Video

It could be worse.  It could have said "Social worker full; baby tasty".

• Rice begins Asia tour on N. Korea | Video

...asking them if they have any troops left to deploy, because we sure as hell don't.  There's something about the US making its rounds to request support from the likes of Japan, Korea, Vietnam, etc., in a potential military conflict that makes me really, really fucking nervous.

• Foley says he will name alleged abuser | Video

Is this a trick question?  Isn't he the alleged abuser?  Are people completely without responsibility for their actions, yet?  Because I'm about one psychoanalytical newspaper article penned by some numbnuts with a fucking English degree away from running around in the street shooting people just for the hell of it.

• Tires? As a reef? What were they thinking?

This is one of those "article" links that actually takes you to a 600-megabyte streaming clip of the piece being reported from the CNN cable channel.  Here's a tip to any aspiring journalists or news site web masters who may be reading: if I wanted to watch television, I would turn on my television.  The method of delivery of this news snippet was so annoying, I don't even know what the news was about.  If I close the window out of pure irritation with you for not telling me this was a video before you tricked me into clicking on it, you're not delivering news to me and thus are worthless as a news site.

• Wesley Snipes arrest warrant issued | Video

Personally, I feel that Snipes should follow Mark Foley's lead and blame someone he knew in childhood who set for him a poor example of fiscal responsibility.  If such a pitiful excuse can get you off the hook for child molestation, surely it can exempt you from $12 million in back taxes.

• Democrat apologizes for 'slavish' remark
  

Are we so politically correct these days that it's considered a faux pas to use a word in appropriate context simply because it has a highly tangential relationship to a two-hundred-years-past racial oppression?  Nobody who is currently living can remember slavery, and yet the world is expected to suppress from its collective vocabulary anything that might even sound like the word "slavery"?  He used the word "slavish" to describe someone who he felt had acted slavishly.  I'm not seeing the problem here.  What's even more repulsive is the fact that rather than defending common sense, the accused is apologizing profusely to his political rival as though he actually believes he has committed some grievous error in racial PR.  The only mistake he made, in my opinion, was neglecting to tell those who would take such a word so wholly out of context where the boat was to get the fuck out of my country.  Within a few years, the Democrats will just apologize for being fucking Democrats, dissolve the party to reform as the National Middle Class Complacent Pussies ticket, and have it over with.

• Dead postman's closets stuffed with old mail

I didn't want to reuse my previous gripe with the streaming video ambush, so I actually tried loading this one.  I suppose I will let the warning about my Media Player plug-in version slide, since it can be difficult to develop for multiple platforms, and Mozilla has only been around since THE BEGINNING OF FUCKING TIME.  Strike Two for CNN now comes into effect when I realize that in order to watch this streaming video that is obfuscatorily linked from a page that is roughly one-third Netflix logo, I HAVE TO WATCH A FUCKING COMMERCIAL FIRST.  At this point, the curiosity was too much for me.  I actually sat through the damned thing and developed this lackluster comment on the dead postman and his hoard of other people's mail: I want those three minutes and twenty-eight seconds of my life back.

• Dog saves owner from fire, dies trying to help cat
  

Cutesy tripe.

• Magnate pokes hole in $139 million Picasso deal
  

There is a word for people who see melting clocks, and it isn't "millionaire".

• Chris Rock's mom: Cracker Barrel discriminated
  

You saw the name.  What kind of people did you think they served?  In all seriousness though, someone should give this woman a white makeover so that she can see the real reason it took her half an hour to get service: Cracker Barrel service sucks.

• Vince Vaughn to tabloids: Watch it
  

Oh noes, big scary Vince Vaughn is going to beat you up if you write anything gossipy about his girl!!  Let me be the first to send him a big "fuck you" courtesy of the First Amendment:  His motivation for this threat is to keep the world from discovering that his marriage is a sham, a facade for the public eye, and that Jennifer Aniston is actually a lesbian.  A pregnant lesbian.

• Lou Dobbs: The middle class fires back

As indictments go, I'm not sure how much more scathing you can get than Fahrenheit 9/11 and Loose Change.  But this will definitely be worth a look.  It would be a welcome change if the major media outlets would stop treating "Bush has ruined this fucking country" as some kind of radical leftist sentiment rather than an elementary observation.

The title is my inference based on today's top story, about what became of the journalist who first reported the identity of an undercover CIA operative, whom everyone soon forgot due to the weather in Louisiana.  Clearly more important than keeping secret agent shit secret, right?

"Jailed reporter freed, testifies in CIA leak probe" - Don't get me wrong, I thought it very noble of her, but I personally would not be caught dead biting my tongue on the name of the government mole while spending 12 weeks in jail myself.  I've been in jail before and it's not fun.  I sure as hell wouldn't want to live there.  But this crazy bitch is doing it for the sacredness of her art.  Yes, you heard me correctly: a person working as a journalist in this country in this day and age, with all of the lax morality that those criteria would imply, is pulling a fucking Nelson Mandela rather than dropping the name of one national security risking piece of garbage who for some reason is still in office, rather than swinging in the wind from a fucking gallows that was hastily constructed on the White House steps.

"California wildfire threatens 2,100 buildings" - Learn to swim.

"Bennett under fire for remarks on blacks, crime" - If you're not familiar with this news piece, the person in question is a former federal Secretary of Education who recently commented on a radio show that crime would decrease if we aborted every black baby conceived in America.  While his words are not the most eloquently worded, there are two major points I have to make, which I feel are being completely overlooked by the liberal douche side of this political correctness squabble.  First, everyone ignores the fact that he was making a hyperbolic example, and the later quote "That would be an impossibly ridiculous and morally reprehensible thing to do" which I feel is relatively important, given the social climate context seems to be the eve of his crucifixion.  The second thing being overlooked is the fact that according to the precise science of statistics, he is one hundred fucking percent correct.  I would say based on my expertise at watching HBO's "OZ" (not to be confused with "The Wizard of Oz", which is what the people publicly criticizing Bennett watch and occasionally dress up as) that pretty much all races have members that commit crimes.  I would also assume that it's pretty safe to say that blacks fall under "all races" regardless of what the National Tree-Hugging Affirmative Action Party would have you believe.  If you remove the next generation of a demographic that has contributors to the crime rate, then the crime rate will go down.  I think we can all agree that he stated it in a way that should be somewhat offensive to black people, but shut the fuck up hippie because he is at least mathematically right.  Anything about the moral aspects of his statements beyond this are irrelevant because as of the last time I checked, anybody who wants to make a racist remark is allowed to do so because this is the fucking United States of Free Speech Read The First Amendment You Feelings-Mongering Socialist Fagot.

"WSJ: no easy fix for Rita-damaged rigs" - So yeah, if you guys could just start endorsing your paychecks and mailing them directly to Exxon, the Gastapo will make it by every once in a while to see to it that your vehicle is fueled.  Or not, really, because we... well, you know... RULE THE EARTH ALREADY.  Nothing makes me want to drive a hydrogen fuel cell powered car more than reading this bullshit copout as to why a commodity that cost 70 cents when I started using it regularly is now somehow, as if by fucking magic, worth over four times that amount.

"South African gets life in jail for feeding man to lions" - What I want to know is why the fuck the jury was out on the sentencing recommendation since last fucking April.  You've already convicted the sick motherfucker, how hard is it to decide his fate?  I mean he fed people to lions, for Christ's sake.  I would have been trying to hook his temples up to the nearest high-amperage power source while he was still in the courtroom.

"Don't like parking? Try Pivo" - The Nissan Motor Co. has built a concept car with a swiveling cabin that eliminates the need for going in reverse, as though spoiled female college students weren't already terrible enough at driving.  It is fortunate for the world at large that like all concept cars, the Pivo is fucking hideous and therefore would not be purchased by the fashion-conscious horrible drivers (or rather, their parents) that make up the majority of its apparent target audience.

As you may have noticed, I have been on somewhat of a hiatus from blogging for a while.  The reason is that I am lazy, and therefore do not wish to spend the inordinant amount of time it would take to turn the giant ripoff weather report that has consumed national news for the past month into something that's actually funny.  Alas, there are finally some non-hurricane related news articles hitting the presses, and I must get off of my ass and produce something mildly entertaining once again.  Click below to read more.

"Indicted majority leader steps down" - Tom DeLay finally bites it on charges of campaign finance corruption.  Big shocker.  It is not clear at this time who will be his successor as House majority leader, a position known to many to be the seat of the mightiest douchebag on the planet who is not the president.  He maintains that he has done nothing wrong, which stands in direct contradiction with his position's assumed faith in the American justice system.  This happens frequently when someone of self-proclaimed high moral standards finds himself in the hot seat, and I can't wait to see how the rest of this tale of hypocrisy and douchebaggery will unfold.

"Bush warns of upsurge of violence in Iraq" - Did it seriously take him this long to figure that part out?  I could have warned you of an upsurge of violence in Iraq three fucking years ago before the invasion.  I didn't realize that throwing out a simple "Hey, there is going to be an upsurge in violence when you take over that country" would have qualified me as a fucking political mastermind.

"Web site: US troops traded Iraq pics for porn" - Before you are so quick to judge the soldiers involved for the quote-unquote immoral behavior they participated in, I will first ask that you answer a simple question: have you ever seen an Iraqi chick?  I have on pretty good authority that they are, as the French put it, le fugle.

"Gas blamed for past-due credit cards" - Well, it would appear that I am part of some kind of statistical anomaly since I don't pay my credit cards and I don't pay for gas.  Good game, CNN.  You really got to the bottom of that one.

"Actress Bernadette Peters' husband dies in copter crash" - Who?  Oh, they forgot to include some vital information to help me determine whether or not I wanted to click for the full-text article.  Let me rephrase for you where the writers at CNN have failed me: "Broadway actress Bernadette soandso blah blah blah blahasjdghasa"

"Train hits car at crossing, killing two" - Hasn't anyone other than me in this fucking world ever watched a suspense movie?  Here, I'll spoil the ending for you: GET OUT OF THE CAR MORON, IT'S NOT GOING TO START.

"Scientists photograph giant squid" - ...that is only 25 feet long.  What the fuck?  I was expecting some 20k Leagues type monstrosity, and they give me this decrepit-looking piece of crap:

Oh noes, an underweight retarded starfish has attacked my piece of string!  Better put it on the front page over at CNN!

That's all I can stand for the time being.  Hopefully this recent trend of putting actual news on the news sites will continue, and I'll have another entry ready within the week.

I can pretty much capture it all in one word...

ZOMGHURRICANECAUSTWTF

Second-hand fat is real and yes, it kills.  Click for full text to learn how to protect yourself and your loved ones from your own fat ass.  I wish I were making this shit up.

"Military towns learn fate in closures" - The War President is apparently cutting domestic military budgets to pay for The War.  And I thought all this Muslim-slaying and Homeland Security was in the name of keeping the homeland... secure?  There was only one really interesting anecdote that came to mind when I saw this story about the devastation to small communities that thrive around military installations.  There was a friend of mine that got this chick-he-was-fucking's Air Force boyfriend into some deep shit for being AWOL about 14 hours out of his active duty zone.  The guy had taken off from his base in Florida to drive up here to Virginia and convince her to take him back after she dumped him and proceeded to show her tits to every guy I know.  Needless to say, she fell for his trickery and was touched by the sweet gesture of putting our country at fucking risk by leaving his post in the middle of the night.  Sorely missing the sight of her great tits, we got an ex-Navy buddy of ours to call the douchebag's CO and tell him this bullshit story about how the Norfolk MP had picked the dude up for drunk driving and realized that he was active and therefore eligible for courtmarshal.  I swear I've never watched someone grow horns and bat-wings right in front of me like that, before or since.

"More US troops to deploy for Iraq elections" - Thank you CNN for making me aware that a ravaged country whose political infighting has several times put off the drafting its own fucking constitution is still capable of usurping American military might to do the political entity functional equivalent of sitting around while eating Cheez-Its.

"Robertson apologizes for assassination call" - Sorry but I'm not buying that this Nazi party poster-boy just had a sudden change of heart about whether or not the president of Venezuela should be shot.  Be a conservative Christian jackass all you want, but don't be a hypocrite about it.

"Survivor: no warning before airliner crash" - That's generally how it happens when you are MOVING THROUGH THE SKY AT THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY FUCKING MILES PER HOUR.  Thank you, random jet passenger, for your ingenius scientific insight.

"Presidential gas bill gets steeper" - The subtitle fucking kills me: 'You think it costs a lot for you to gas up?  How about Bush?'  Like I fucking give a shit about what the most powerful man in the world, who in fact owns a good chunk of the domestic oil industry, spends on his gasoline.  Is this faux lamentation and sycophantic cocksuckery of an article supposed to make me feel sorry that the motherfucker 'doesn't have any say' in the fuel economy of his SS-protected armored cavalcade?  Am I supposed to be empathetic that the poor bastard has only been to 43 countries in the past five years?  This article is absolute tripe, except that it succeeds in owning the president by using figures from fueleconomy.gov about the gas-guzzling piece of shit Ford truck that he chooses to drive as a civilian.

"Memo: suicide bomber tried to enter country" - Who the hell cares?  He's dead now.  I approve of the insurgency's strategic decision to blow themselves up; I just kind of wish they would do it -- you know -- somewhere else.  Go explode yourselves for Allah's favor in those nice caves you just got in Afghanistan or something, you crazy third-world pieces of shit.

"Dad's heart attack likely killed daughter also" - I know, I'm a jerk for grabbing your eye with that catchy title and saving my actual comment on it for second-to-last, but suspense is the tool of any writer worth his weight in feces.  (Especially when he's intending to run his own advertisements on his work in the near future.)  I would like to make this segment of the post into a public service announcement of sorts.  Attention, fat-asses!  Put the cream cake down!  Nobody wants to read this depressing article about how your fat ass had a heart attack and then fell on an innocent 9-year-old girl, subsequently suffocating her.  This makes for bad news, which anyone who is familiar with my writing will tell you is serving no purpose other than to make you and your fat family the butt of many a tasteless wisecrack.  I was trying to find a photograph of this guy to photoshop onto a South Park caricatured image of Rob Reiner, but apparently prior to accidentally committing a murder-suicide, he was too fucking obscure for taking a picture of him to be worthwhile.

"Shark attacks research diver" - I'm not sure why this is so shocking as they attempt to portray it.  I don't really feel like fully explaining the joke here, but let's just say that I'm pretty sure the 'research diver' demographic has trouble getting affordable sharkbite insurance.

That's all for now, but be sure to tune in next time when I make fun of all kinds of poor, pathetic individuals and their respective tragic downfalls which got them out of obscurity and for some reason onto my fucking computer screen.

It would appear that the jews are finally out of the strip.  The historic context will probably make people laugh their asses off at Americans and Iraqis in the generations to come.  Click "read more" to read more.  Christ, that sounded redundant.

"Widower confronts Olympic bomber" - I'm glad we can all sleep safe at night knowing that the guy who was already serving two back-to-back life sentences without possibility of parole for bombing an abortion clinic will now be serving ten back-to-back life sentences without possibility of parole for bombing the fucking Olympics.  My impression was that we had already gotten him off of the streets pretty much for good; why are we spending thousands upon thousands more court dollars to effectively just rub that fact in his face?

"Crashing airliner's 'Mayday' call went unheard" - You would think that even in some backwards-ass country like Venezuela, there would be someone whose job it was specifically to hear said Mayday call.  I mean they can't be too far behind the times.  They have airplanes, obviously.

"Songs, prayers, and tears mark end of Gaza era" - This is why all religious zealots should be exterminated.  I'm sure I or any other rational human being would be really tearful about being forcibly moved out of a home that crazy Arabs were trying to suicide-bomb like 24/7.  It saddens me to be a member of the same species as someone who even needs to be told to move away from that neighborhood, much less made to flee out of it from a tank.

"Shiite official: Iraq to draft constitution today" - Yeah, right.  And I'm going to quit smoking and drinking beer today as well.  That's so I can get in shape for the marathon this evening.  The marathon on the newly-terraformed fucking moon.

"Bush bidding to rally Iraq support" - He's not bidding his stock chips on it, so I'm not concerned about gauging its sincerity.

"Synthesizer innovator Moog dies at 71" - My band uses one of his elite synthesizing devices.  If it's good enough for NIN, it's good enough for Kounterkulture.

"Northwest flies on through strike" - This was a little disconcerting.  The article states that Northwest Airlines is currently maintaining a normal schedule despite the fact that its mechanics are on strike.  I'm going to start a pool on how many days it takes for them to start dropping out of the sky.  One might think that they would take a hint from the Venezuelans' failure at this and try not to continue operating without people who are critical to their operations, but maybe that's just me.

"Teens want Mustangs, parents say Civics" - I think the institution responsible for this survey neglected to take into consideration one of the potentially influential demographics of the pollees, so I have taken the liberty of correcting it for them:  Gay teens want Mustangs, maybe.  Like flamingly gay.  It is my personal opinion that all Mustangs need to come from the factory absolutely covered in sequins, just so that we can be further certain that the right people are buying them.  Seriously, who the fuck drives a Mustang? (Sorry Jon M., I know you love that piece of shit but I think we both know that my Z would have smoked it in a drag.)

"NFL player's death remains a mystery" - This is a little bit frustrating to see published the day after they reported that the cause of death would not be known until at least three to six weeks from now, due to the wait for toxicology results.  Are they going to have a new article every day to convince us that they still don't know anything?

OW OW FRESTIEL(!PORJECT) TIEMS FORE THAEY L33T

HOLLER NIGER (!CONTREY)!! YO YO YO TOSTEY GHOSTSOR SI IN THAEY MUTHARFAWKEN HOSUE AND HE GOIEN TO SCOENS TEH JON LIEK A MUTHARFAWKEN MOSUE, BITCH I AME BETTAR AT THAEY HAXOREN IM BOUT TA HOSE JEW IN THAEY WORSED FAWKENG WAYES JOO LOOKES BROKEN LIEK A BLACK MANG'S NOSE DO!!#@ LAYE DOWN NOWE B/C THAEM "GHOSTS" JUST OWNEDS J00

Controversy ensues as the oft-outspoken black misinformation-monger shares his view on recent racial commentary made by the president of Mexico.  Read on for this and other mundane attention-seeking tactics by has-been pseudocelebrities that no one in their right mind could give a shit less about.

"Iraqi constitutional delay is 'democracy at work'" - I was under the evidently misguided impression that a democratic body failing to draft a constitution by its own self-imposed deadline and then voting to create an extension for itself to enable it to continue not getting anything done would be a textbook example of a democracy not at work.  Silly me.

"Emotions high after Gaza pullout" - I'm so glad the Bush Regime has accomplished so much in the middle east.  There will clearly be no rock throwing or suicide bombing in Israel's future.  </sarcasm>  Who the fuck do they think they're fooling?  I'm sorry, but I refuse to accept the notion that deeply rooted hatred over a millennia-old religious dispute is going to be dissolved the instant we bulldoze a fucking row of condominiums.

"Coroner: six were alive when Cypriot plane crashed" - I'm not sure the headline fully captures what I'd like to comment on about this, so I'm also including a quote from the coroner mentioned: 'Our conclusion is they had circulation and were breathing at the time of death.'  I realized that the developed world was on top of its medical technology a little moreso than some racially divisive Mediterranean island, but Jesus Christ could a certified practitioner of medicine come up with a more idiotic way in which to state the completely obvious?  How the fuck would they not have been breathing/circulating before they died?  I'm hoping this is just some linguistic discrepancy or a poor translation or something; if not, I just lost a whole lot of respect for the Greeks.

"New documents show [Supreme Court Justice nominee] Roberts' views on school prayer, abortion, courts" - As if we couldn't have deduced them ("it's holy", "it's evil", and "they should be fascist legislative tools", respectively) by the fact that he was nominated by Bush, the fucking federal government is now wasting tax dollars on publishing 5,000 fucking pages of them.  Wonderful.

"Maid pardoned 60 years after execution" - Holy crap, it was Colonel Mustard!

"Navy plane makes emergency landing" - ...in Norfolk, Virginia.  They get our hopes up with military sensationalism only to bait and switch us with some ho-hum tale of an on-base milk run machine making a skid landing on American ground.  Boring.

"Farrakhan: Mexican president was right" - Sloshor: No fucking body cares.  If you haven't been following world affairs lately, the el presidente de Mexico had a bit of a racial faux pas when he said illegals would take work that "even blacks don't want".  Farrakhan supported his statement as non-racist, saying that black folks don't want to pick fruits and vegetables because they have picked enough cotton.  What he doesn't explain is how the fuck anyone that was alive during slavery times would still be breathing, much less eligible to work, to this day.  Oh that's right, Farrakhan is an irrelevant, hate-spewing blowhard who thinks he's entitled to be so as a result of events that occurred a hundred and fifty fucking years ago.  In retort, I have created a cartoon character rendition of the Nation of Islam leader, who for some reason was speaking at a Baptist church when he made the racially inflammatory statements.  So anyway without further adieu, I present to you...

Man, black Muslims sure look pretty in pink.  Oh yes, I own motherfuckers like it's my job.  Remember this humiliation the next time you're giving some kill-the-honkies speech, you racist fagot motherfucker.

"Rescuers turn back yards from stranded climber" - Greek-Cypriotes and Turks all over the news today, and it's not even for killing each other.  Imagine that.  I think this is some kind of anti-Bush statement by the Turkish emergency workers.  I can only wish that one day, Bush will be the guy stranded on the side of a mountain and not some hapless sap that has skin vaguely the same color as his.

"The gay lie of Jimi Hendrix" - No joke, I thought maybe Team AIDS or someone had defaced CNN for a few seconds after I saw this one.  As it turns out, Hendrix actually did lie about being gay to get out of going to Vietnam so he could play music.  More power to him.  I just thought the headline looked out of place.