The second quarter of the year was a struggle for me emotionally. I
have been faced with numerous disappointments, frustrations and
uncertainties. I have often questioned God on why do I have to suffer?
Why me? What did I do wrong? I didn't find the answer until recently. I
bought a book entitled "When Life Hurts" by Philip Yancey. A small book
that caught my attention because of the title and a question at the
back cover. The question is "Why. God. Why? It mirrored my own question
to God. Why? As I leafed through the pages, I came face to face with
exact words for my feelings. The book has five sections.
Section 1 - When you wonder why God created pain. I have asked God why do I have to suffer.
Section 2 - When you doubt God's power. I questioned him when we
receive Mike's NCLEX result. He knew very well what we were hoping for,
and yet, He did not give it to us.
Section 3 - When God seems unfair. I started to compare our life with
other people who have been victorious, but hurt other people in the
process. Why let them succeed when they have wronged so many people?
Section 4 - When you wonder if God cares. Does He really care for us? For Andrea? And the people around us?
Section 4 - When you need to feel God's love. God doesn't love me.
It was as if the book was written for me.
On the first section, Philip Yancey wrote about a place without pain -
a leprosy hospital. He explained that people with leprosy do not feel
physical pain. Sounds good. However, " as the disease spreads,nerve
endings that carry pain signals fall silent" (page 15 Section 1 of When
Life Hurts). The pain cells designed to alert us when to blink could
stop working, and could lead to blindness. From Philip Yancey's words,
"without pain, our lives would be in constant mortal danger. We would
have no warning of a ruptured appendix, heart attack, or brain tumor."
"Pain is essential to preserve normal life..."
Which led me into thinking about why did God let me feel pain?
I have started praying for "peace of mind" since the start of the year.
I have included this in my prayer request to the Pink Sisters of
Baguio. Because for the whole year of 2006, I was never at peace. I
never had a good night sleep. I never laid myself to bed without
numerous thoughts on my mind. I even went to a Cardiologist because of
recurrent chest pain. When I felt that God is unfair, maybe it was one
way of showing me what really deprives me of peace of mind. I just
failed to recognize it then. The "pains" that I felt was a wakeup call
that I was getting lost, and that I needed to be steered into the right
direction. This is my first post here, and the last in another blog site
Letting go...
Moving on...
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