Pen Aquatic

I was rearranging and categorizing my collection of DVDs today. I was exhausted from work but it seems my mind refuses to take a break. This is a regular scenario in my life. A perfect example is when I am doing my Pilates, I am thinking of the life of Van Gogh and how displeased I am with how he was only recognized when he was six feet under. Now, let us get back to our topic which is..... my DVDs. Aside from the growing Anime collection, I noticed that I have 60 DVDs of horror such as massacres, vampires, flesh eating diseases, evil things that come to life and even a Japanese flick weirdly titled "Audition." I asked myself, "Aside from the money I spent on this stuff, what do I get from them?" Simple, I get inspiration for my writing. If Edgar Allan Poe drinks until he cannot differentiate reality from fiction, can write tales of the Black Cat and the Tell Tale Heart, why can't I indulge in my "inner sanctuary? " You may get spooked that I love vampires, werewolves, things that go up from wells, slimy, hacked body parts. To reassure you that I am quite normal, I was never diagnosed as schizophrenic or psychotic. I am just a plain eccentric writer. When I first watched "Night of the Living Dead" when I was in my elementary years, the gates of literary blood flowed through my veins. I started writing and reading like a crazed coyote. My teachers noticed that I can write about a topic upon command but there is always something peculiar about my story reports. I almost always sided with the antagonist(s) of the tale. I often pondered on the reasons that they are like that in the story. However, I know that the Catholic teachers were too prudish to confront me or they probably dismissed me as one of the "weird" ones. It has always been my pride that I never do a draft. Thoughts always flow like a river and I write down as fast as I can for fear of  losing them. During the process of my thesis writing days, I was just forced to revise it and damn, I hated it! However, my book "New York is an Island" was different, ironic because I edited and revised it 50 times (yes, I do know how to count). High school days were my latency stage. I just wrote due to requirement without too much vigor and of course under the scrutiny of my religious high school. I felt trapped and I cursed even when my papers come back with a 9 out of 10 score. I wanted to write about the craziness of the world, the angst of people and how young people like me can fall in love at the wrong place and with the wrong person. One time, I did an essay on how Rizal, our national hero made an impact on how Filipinos think. I used a term "tumatalamak" (translated as impacting/ with force). My teacher crossed it out and noted "Change your word" in red pen. I still got a high grade but I tore that paper and come to think of it, I never think highly of Rizal who was chosen by the Americans to be our national hero (no apology to the Rizalistas) but I admire Bonifacio, his being uneducated was taken against him and he was assassinated by his own supposed comrades. Okay, now where am I again? Oh! yes, the topic of how I write. In my college years, I had more freedom due to exposure to men. Before you think of anything else, I was imprisoned for four years in an all girls' high school and I did not have a single clue about them. I am eternally grateful  for being friends with an artist, a drummer, illustrator, a gay person and a soon to be priest man. I have more guy friends than women. Sometimes my boyfriend would comment that I do not act like a lady and that I have a potty mouth. I always retort that "I am prim and proper" with my fingers crossed at my back. With my thoughts of men, how their mechanism works and again being ignited by "Interview with the Vampire", I started writing like a subway train. I wrote about rebellion, depression, anger, suicide, hatred and cynical perspectives. My siblings told me that I have always been attracted to the dark side. But until now, I never drank the blood of an infant or a goat. It just so happens that I like to write the yin of things. However, I can write about the sunny and bright things of life. I was known in the University as one of the best writers of love letters. My boy friends would ask me to compose a poem for their object(s) of affection or a love letter celebrating 5th monthsary. I wrote them as if I were the one in love. One day, I found my own letter sent to me signed by an ardent suitor. I laughed it off and until this day, I do not have any attempt of accusing him of plagiarism. The first time I fell in love with a man, it was tragic and so were my poems for him. I burned them all with my young heart. It was only when I was 19 that I opened my heart again but somehow, I never got those words back. Perhaps, love has bitten me in the ass big time. My writings were my treasures but I was careless with them. I did not keep a copy since I liked giving them away to people who are interested or were "weird" as I am. In my senior year, I wrote an essay about sex for the first time. I let my professor read it and I saw her turn beet red. She said "Excellent writing! but wait until you graduate." Right then I knew, I can write with impact. I can surprise, upstage, mock, challenge and even provoke thinking among readers. 

In the film "Life Aquatic", Bill Murray was Steve Zissou who was in pursuit of "The Jaguar Shark." I love the movie aside from the fact that he is one of my favorite actors but his portrayal of a "never give up, never surrender" zeal until he met his fish; in his Belafonte, he dived into the deepest oceans to seek his final quest, I empathize with the character . I know I will write hundreds maybe thousands of essays, poems and books. I wrote two books already. One is in the field of my occupation and the other one is awaiting approval of the publisher within two months. Come what may, I will still watch flicks of splashing blood, tortured and mangled bodies and a brilliant Psychiatrist who fancies fried brains. The undead, the disfigured and Hyde stricken beings will continue to encourage me to write. As the saying goes "The Pen is Mightier than the Sword", my writings are for fencing. But not just simple fencing but samurai sword fighting like in Kill Bill Vol.1 and 2. I guess I can write the screenplay for Vol. 3.

Ma'am Terry

You taught me things I never knew

I am capable of

A sense of pride in teaching

A heart for children

Is what you always shown me

With your softspoken presense

And motherly love

You were there not only as a Professor

But an Ally, a Confidant

A PARENT to me

With this little success of mine

Part of it is inedebted to you

I miss you already Ma'am Lingdas

But your legacy will never be forgotten

Tatlong masamang panaginip

Ang dumapo sa akin

Nagising akong nagpapawis

Kinakabahan na parang Usa

Na babarilin at gagawing tapa

Masyadong bang madugo?

Ngayon na isinusulat ko na

Hindi naman nakamamatay

O nakakaalarma, nakakainis

Dahil sunod sunod sila

Tatlong panaginip na ang karakter

Ay ang aking dating karelasyon

Ngii! Pati ako ay kininkilabutan

History na, nakalimutan ko na

Pati birthday niya

Sa una kong panaginip

Bumisita siya rito sa New York

Pinasyal ko siya at kumain

Sa Cold Stone ng Mint ice cream

As usual, ako pa rin ang gumastos

Pangalawang panaginip

Ako naman ang umuwi sa Pinas

Speaker daw ako pero sa entablado

Nakita ko siya at ang babaeng pinalit sa akin

Pagkaraan ng dalawang linggo

Pangatlong panaginip, magkasama kami

Parang nung dati, araw araw

Nakakasuka, nakakainis

Nagising ako dahil binabangungot ako

Talagang nakakaasar

Ito ang unang pagkakataon

Na sumulat ako tungkol

Sa mga relasyon ko, okey sa una

Pumapalpak sa huli, nagkasawaan

Ganito talaga dahil immature pa kami

Pero sa kanya ako naghikahos

Parang may pumalo sa ulo ko

At namatay lahat ng brain cells ko

Pinili ko siya, sa lahat ng bagay at tao

Minahal nang higit sa sarili ko

Aaminin kong cute ako pero nung naging kami

Naging pangit ako talaga, naging balyena

Wala na kase akong pakialam sa iba

Sa kanya lang umikot mundo ko

Lahat ako nagdesisyon, para sa kanya

Ang daming nagsabi, hindi siya

Marami pa, "You deserve someone better"

Hindi umubra, believe pa rin ako

Na magbabago, maa- appreciate niya rin

Ang mga sakripisyo ko, ang utak at puso ko

Pero wala epek, ayun hanggang sa huli

Wala siyang sinabi kahit bastusin na ako

Ng mismong pamilya niya

Trabahador lang ako, suwelduhan

At hindi galing sa mayaman ng pamilya

May isa ring bagay na wala akong laban

Kahit na ano pang gawin kong bantay

Ayun nahihila pa rin siya

Pati ako nahila, nakisakay

Nawalan na rin ako ng bilib sa sarili

Nakakahiya pero nag- apply ako

Papuntang New York dahil sa kanya

Para mas maging maganda ang buhay

Malayo sa lahat, magsimula ulit

Baka magbago siya

Pero tinawanan niya lang ako

Bigla na lang ako nagising

Iniwanan ko siya, suicide para sa akin

Hindi ko tinapos thesis niya, bullshit!

Bahala na siya sa buhay niya!

Ang hirap, ilang linggo rin akong umiyak

Na- depressed at nagkulong sa kuwarto

Nilunok ko rin ang pride ko

At bumalik sa bahay, walang job

Palamunin ulit, heart broken pa

Nabalitaan ko na lang mula sa isang tsismosa

na may kapalit na ako, wala ako masabi

Ang bilis! Parang pag- nguya ng candy

Para akong ipinako sa krus patawarik

Tapos na, wala na talaga

Leche! Ano pang gagawin ko?

Hanapin ang dating barkada

Gimik kaliwa at kanan

Nakatulong, kahit paano

Nakalimutan ko, na tanga ako

Gimik hanggang umaga

Kasama si Pina at si Dale

Sinabi nilang, magpaganda ka ulit

Men are commodity, cheap as always

Ayun, we painted the town red

Nagkaroon ulit ako ng self confidence

Luminaw ulit ang mukha ko

Sa mga facial at pagpunta sa spa

Courtesy of my parents

Gimik to my heart's content

Nang natapos ko ang graduate degree ko

Inisip ko malaking sampal ito sa kanya

Kala niya, nila hindi ko magagawa

Belat! May medal pa ako

May worth ulit ako, hindi na papaloko

Habang kumakain sa Jollibee

Biglang binigkas ng Nanay ko

Ang mga salitang hindi ko malilimutan

"Patawarin mo na siya, anak"

"Mahirap na umalis ka na may galit pa sa puso mo"

"Makipagkita ka at umalis kang may peace"

Wow! Si Mommy talaga, na addict kay Claudine

Nakita ko siya, natawa na lamang ako

Hindi pa rin siya pumuti

May kirot pa rin, lumuha ako

Kaunti ng sinabi ko na "gago ka"

Pagkatapos noon, wala na

"Sorry" Sabi niya, sa lahat lahat

Okey lang, sabay yosi, parang bato siya

Nakakatawa dahil ako pa rin nagbayad

Sige na bye na, gimik pa ako

at makikipagkita pa ako kay......

"Iba ka na Hazel, pati pananaw mo"

Yup! nag- iba dahil sa iyo

"THANK YOU"

Lintik! Nanggaling sa iyo

98% ng life lessons ko

Ngayon, isang footnote na lang siya

Sa mga kapitulo ng buhay ko

Minsan naaalala ko pero halakhak na lang

Kasama ko isang Nyorker

Sobrang bait at nililibre ako

Hindi nakakalimutan ang bday ko

Alam ang paboritong kulay, paboriting CD

Binibili ang mga laruan na hindi ko natikman

Pinapasyal at binibitbit ang shopping bags ko

At higit sa lahat, alam niyang magbasa

Ano ang koneksyon nito sa talong panaginip?

Wala na meron, meron na wala

Ayaw ko lang na maging kasali pa siya

Sa plot ng dreams ko, pangit na nightmare ito

Tapos na, The End, Fin

Masaya na ako ngayon

Hindi man magkatuluyan

Okey lang, magkaibigan pa rin

May respeto kase, walang gaguhan

Dahil sa kasama ko, nagkaroon ako

ng lakas ng loob sumulat ulit

Magpahaba ng hair at mag- pilates

.......Hindi pala mali na maging requirement mo sa relasyon na siguradong mahal ka ng partner mo.......at hindi ka tatawanan kung may idea ka for an invention, song, dance, bagong kulay ng itlog at iba pa. Sana ma- inspire lahat ng mga babaeng na nasa relasyong walang patutunguhan. Hindi pa huli ang lahat, hindi lang siya ang lalake sa mundo. Tama na ang martyr syndrome, ipagpapalit ka pa rin niya in a blink of an eye.

I fell in love with New York

I adore its sights, its rush feelings

I worship every hurried step it makes

And I let myself swirl in its swift winds

New York made me feel strong

Independent and responsible

It made me tough, a fighter

When needed, a gangster

I fell in love with its fast pace

A New York minute drives me

To work hard, to earn, to spend

Then to try to save at least

At times it makes me crazy

Stressing and wanting to leave

But like in a co- dependent relationship

I could never let go, I can never thrive

I tried to, other states for visits

After three days, I am already bored

Missed New York in a heartbeat

I love New York's comfort zone

For I can talk what I want to talk about

Buy grocery in my PJs, sing while walking

Laugh loud like a clown, run like a hare

Chat like a parrot and curse like a pirate

My heart belongs to New York

It inspired me to write a book

It molded me, as I may say

A better person, a wiser one

Years from now, wrinkles on my face

I will look at my photographs

Within the Big Apple,

Myself in a rat race

that is still running its course

I will breathe in the memories

Of the City that never sleeps

But never will fail to awaken 

My tired and old soul

I am in love with a Nyorker..........

.................................... now that's a different love story. It started with a bubble gum at the door.

Someday I may write about my first NY love or it maybe the last.............................................

I am just looking at the ring..............just looking forward to what is yet to come........................

Tapos na ang librong

"Ang New York ay Isang Isla"

Isang daan at sampung beses na tsinek

edited, revised at ABC check

Sobrang titig sa computer

Puso ko ay kabado

Okey na ba,  pasado na ba

Bebenta ba o gagawing pamabalot ng tinapa?

Email ng interesadong Publisher

"Send Manuscript with Table of Contents"

Idagdag ang short autobiography

Nobela ang aking buhay

hindi pa ako nakakapagsuot ng Bikini

So hindi ko pa maisusulat ang aking talambuhay

"Hazel, utang na loob!

Huwag maging OC, sakyan mo na

Gumawa ng maikling bio, tapos konting drama

Lagyan ng picture na mukhang tao ka"

Ang sabi ng boses inside my kokote

Print, print two set of copies

Nilagay sa Global Priority Mail

Ipapadala ko ba?

Eto na naman ako

As usual, in the end ang Nerbyos!

Takot at Pangamba

Ewan ko, hindi ko sigurado

Nakalagay sa Bag ko

Dadaan ako sa Post office bago pumasok sa school

Pag- iisipan ko pa, ano ba talaga?

Naiiyak na ako, tama ba ito?

Tapos na ang libro, subukan ko

Malay mo, baka may magbasa rin nito

Baka matawa ang head ng kompanya (sana)

Hintay, hintay, hintay

Sige bukas, ihuhulog ko na

sa basurahan o sa mailbox?

Tulungan niyo naman ako!

Isang araw naman ng editing ang ginawa ko

Sa Librong "Ang New York ay Isang Isla"

Malapit nang Matapos, Punyeras de Patatas

Email galing potential Publisher

Send Manuscript next week

Naloka, Nakakaloka, Loka loka na!

Sige pindot dito, pindot dyan sa keyboard

Wala akong formal computer typing

Anim lang na daliri ang ginagamit ko

tatlo sa kanan (Pointman, Tall Man at Thumbkin)

tatlo din sa kaliwa (Tall Man, Ring Man at asawa ni Thumbkin)

Hindi ako makatagal magsulat nang nakaupo

Sumasakit na ang likod ko bente minutos pa lang

18 years old  na kase ako, pero in fairness

Wala ako wrinkles o laugh lines

Kase hindi ako palangiti

Patayo, payuko, nakasalpak sa sahig, patuwad magsulat

Isip, isip, isip

Ano ang topic sa libro uunahin

Ihuhuli at mumurahin dahil hindi na- meet ang standard ko

Perfectionist at Obsessive Compulsive pa

Manic kaya edit ng edit

Padagdag nang padagdag

Take turns ang tatlong MP3 Players

Ang Red Zen Micro kapag Draft

"It might be you" ni Stephen Bishop

Paulit ulit hanggang himatayin na siya sa kakakanta

Ang Zen Nano

Kapag Revising ang Mood ko

"It's my Life" ni Bon Jovi

"It's now or never, I aint gonna live forever"

Ewan ko, inspirado talaga ako pag naririnig ko siya

Sige sulat habang sing along ako

Minsan sa sobrang lakas

Kinatok ako ng kapitbahay, Sorry, writer po ako

Teacher sa umaga para may pambayad sa Renta

Ipod Nano kapag Publishing on the website na

Nellie Furtado, Promiscouos habang umiindak

GTO "Driver's high" at "Set a Drift on Memory Bliss" ng P.M Dawn

Ang Paulit ulit na pinapakinggan

Ibig sabihin, kuntento na ako sa isinulat ko

Kapag mahapdi na sikmura ko

at mukha na naman akong Raccoon dahil kulang sa tulog

"Patience" ng Guns N' Roses ang Lullaby ko

Weird ba? Proud ako kase ayoko maging mediocre

Unique at laging may rason

Sige na, good night na muna

Ang mga mata ko ay nasa talampakan ko na

Sana ang mapanaginipan ko

ay nasa shelf ng National Bookstore

ang librong may Red Apple

"Ang New York ay Isang Isla"

Sabay kuha ka ng kopya

Tiningnan ang presyo, justifiable and affordable

Diretso sa cashier, bayaran at kunin ang sukli

Matapilok sa daan dahil hindi makapaghintay na basahin

Hanggang magising ako dahil

sa M ALAKAS MONG HALAKHAK

Only the brave dare look upon they gray

Upon the things which cannot be explained easily,

Upon the things which often engender mistakes

Upon the things whose cause cannot be understood

Upon the things we must accept and live with.

And therefore only the brave dare look upon difference without flinching

Richard H. Hungerford

"On Locusts"

                        I chose this poem as introduction for my thesis for graduate school; I live according to the lines for they vividly reflect what I have been through. We encounter things that make us happy, sad, certain, unsure, fulfilling and frustrating. This night, I will reflect how far I have ventured into the unknown, uncertain and things that I cannot fathom. I hope you do too. Our life is filled with mysteries and unending charades but if we close our eyes and have faith to make that first step, we will travel into vast distances.

Have a Good night Avid Readers of www.filteany.com

So many codes, clues, mind games that

we don't even know we are in them

Look at the Woman who bore you

Tattoed on her are expected sacrifices

Is she happy, does she have secret dreams?

She looks back with regrets

Look at the Man whose fluid

Helped create you, gave you his name

Did he enjoy his youth, want to climb a mountain?

When offsprings came, feet stayed on the ground

Look at the class clown

Joking around, bubbly

With that annoying all day smile

A parody, his life is a big lousy joke

Look at the prettiest girl on campus

Those long legs, that cleavage

Long, black, shiny hair. Luscious lips

Food, always flushed away with red teary eyes

Look at the popular jock

Drives the ladies crazy, counts them like sheep

Hail to the basketball team, ideal guy

Slams dunks a book, couldn't read

Look at the boy friend

With you since diaper days

You love him right?

Secretly  he loves make up too

Look at the girl friend

Says "I'll hook you up"

Boffs the guy she set up for you

Crying after for being a nympho slut

Look at the silent classmate

Teased, bullied every period

Strange clothes, funny smell

His mind echoes "I will kill you all"

Look at the common friend

Paid not much attention

Just to pay 1/4 of the drinks

Is in love with you for all eternity

Look at the older brother

Who called you crazy, unstable

Unprofessional for dating his sibling you dumped

Insecure since he relies on their father's wealth

Look at the mean professor

Insulting students, failing them

Secretly wears a thong

Picks up "meat" at night

Look at the crazy man

Inside the looney bin

Stares at you, answers wryly

Can solve any mathematical equations

Look at the person in front of you

Stares blankly, says nothing

Thoughts, worries

Is this all I work hard for?

Look at the person

Who is she?

Ends this by typing

The name of her favorite painter

Van Gogh

A friend once told me that a person upon being hurt is likened to a broken piece of glass. No matter how much you try to glue the pieces back together, the cracks will still be eminent and it will never be the same again.

Analyzing my life (which I always do, blame it on my psychology degree), I think I can be classified as a certified broken glass. The question is ,  I survived being shattered into a thousand pieces, then can I still be categorized as flawed? The thing is humans are given the will to choose; to lose the battle or fight the war intensely. Every single person on this planet is a broken glass. Some are just slightly broken, badly broken and others broken beyond recognition.

To exist means to find the right kind of "glue" to put the pieces together again. I found my "glue" when I finally embraced the fact that the past cannot be changed and to inhale deeply like it is going to be my last breath.

Broken pieces of glass, broken people; Pieces that can fit. Perhaps you can fathom that being broken does not mean being dead. Among the piles of shards of broken glass, you might find that missing piece to complete you again.

Having written these words, I can answer my own question. No, I may be a broken piece of glass but I am not flawed. I struggled to "glue" myself and here I am in one piece amidst all the imperfections.

To anyone who read this, it is not too late to "glue" thyself. Being broken is just one way of making you stronger than you think you are

I like rainbows

Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet

A special person in my life is a Rainbow

with different hues, feelings and a choice

To be different, to feel and love in another way

As a child, I enjoyed being his playmate

we spent hours playing with my dolls pretending they were models 

But as time passed, I was confused

People started asking me about him, why, when, how did it happen?

Then I shut off my world to him

To people who were curious about him because I was afraid

Afraid, scared to be not normal,

not to have the right answers

.......... Until..........

A guy took me out for dinner

He is a dream, had the looks, immense popularity

And a drop dead gorgeous face

In the middle of the main course

A rainbow man passed by and looked at him

He suddenly dropped his napkin and said

"I just lost my appetite, freaks of nature!"
"They are disgusting, filthy and should not have a place in this world"

I stood calmly and said I needed to go.

"You are so handsome, but you are filthier than the maggots in the trash. You are a pig, a hypocrite and you are quick tro judge"

"My brother is Gay, If you have a problem with that, then I cannot have a relationship with you. He is far more of a man than you"

That was 9 years ago.

I am proud of him, I love him more as we get older

Now I tend to look out for him  more,

He looked out for me when I was finding my own identity

And now I fully support his rainbow choices

In my eyes, he will always be my brother

A kaliedoscope of rainbow colors