Isang buwan na akong nabubwisit sa New York. Ilang pagkakataon na rin na minumura ko ang lahat ng makita, maamoy o marinig sa paligid. Ang term ng aking kaibigan mula Maryland ay "burn out" ang aking kondisyon. Wala akong masabihan kaya pati ang pagsusulat ko tungkol sa New York ay naapektuhan. Wari bang wala na akong maisulat na maganda tungkol sa kanya. Lahat ng aking kaibigan ay nag- aaalala sa akin. Katwriran nila "Kung hindi ka na masaya diyan, lumipat ka na rito sa New Mexico, Maryland o Virginia." Lahat na ay inapplayan ko at lahat naman ay may positibong sagot. Ang kailangan ko lamang ay magfax ng transcript at lisensya. Malamang nagkapatong patong lang ang aking mga problema. Ang pinakamasakit na maramdaman ng isang OFW ay ang hindi makapagpadala sa Pilipinas dahil gipit rin siya. Ito ang aking kalagayan ngayon. Sa hindi inaasahang utang sa state ng New York at ang trabaho na walang tigil na inaahas ang aking paniniwala sa pagututuro, hindi mo ako masisisi kung bakit gusto ko na lumayas. Atay sa atay kaming nag- usap ng aking boyfriend. Umiyak ako at ipinaliwanag ang aking kalungkutan. Nakinig lamang siya pero alam ko na nasasaktan ko siya sa aking mga sinasabi. Pattern ko na ito, kapag hindi na ako happy nilalayasan ko na ang lahat. Nabanggit ko pa na walang patutunguhan ang aming relasyon dahil wala kaming maipon dito. Glamorous nga ang Big Apple pero kakayod ka na higit pa sa kalabaw upang hindi malunod. Humagulgol ako dahil siympre guilty ako sa mga sinabi ko, mabait naman siya at hindi deserving na gaguhin ko. Pero bwisit na ako so sorry na lang talaga. Lumabas muna siya ng kwarto at siguro para suntukin ang pader dahil sa galit sa akin. Pagkatapos ng bente minutos, bumalik rin at hinawakan ang kamay kong puro uhog at luha. "I do not want you to be sad. If you think moving to another state will make you happy, then go." Lalo akong umiyak, putsa talaga. Ako na si Darna, gigive- up dahil puro ghetto ang nasa paligid ko, tadyak ito sa aking pride na pagiging fighter. Pero ang mga sumunod na sinabi niya ay nagdulot sa akin upang mag-isip. "Alright, here is what I think, if you move there you will get a cheaper apartment, more behaved students and nicer bosses. However, you should also think that running away is not going to solve your problems. Let me give you a list of why you should think 100 times before transferring."1. You easily get BORED. You crave for a fast paced lifestyle. You say you are tired of working here but each morning you wake up to go to work. Even for just 10 minutes of silence, you fidget because you are bored. In plain words, you got ADHD. Being out there in desert like states will bore you to death. I am telling you the truth.
2. You need a car there. It is easy to buy yet the cost of gas is high. Plus driving a car will make you fatter since you will not have a place to walk or even jog around. I know you don't want to be fat again.
3. You hate inconvenience. You even take a cab instead of walking six blocks to a pharmacy.
4. You say that your friends are moving on. But you fail to realize that you are moving on too. You are surviving New York. It will never be a bed of roses here for you, me or anyone. Anywhere you have to start on a bumpy road.
5. You abused your credit cards. You send too much money back home. THAT'S YOUR FAULT!
6. "Nakakalimutan mo na andito ako. Kasama kita sa plano ko. Wala kang pasensya. Kanina ay kausap ko lang ang Tatay ko at tinutulungan niya akong humanap ng bahay sa Queens para sa atin. Kaya huwag mong sabihin na wala tayong patutunguhan. Wala kang faith sa atin. Pati ako ay tatakasan mo."
Ngek! Sa huling binanggit niya, natauhan ako. Lalo ako umiyak dahil sa hiya, akala ko kase pinapaasa niya lang ako. Call me user friendly pero aaminin ko na isang concern ko ang stability. Sobrang dami ng competition dito at dapat laging handa na kumarera ka. Sabi ko "I will think about it." Hindi ako pumasok ngayon dahil tumatahol pa ako dulot ng trangkaso. Kaninang alas diyes, nakita ko na naka business suit ang aking boyfriend. Sabi ko "akala ko ba, absent ka rin." "No, I am going to meet someone later." "Date ba?" "Dummy, no. Something important." Habang umakyat siya, sinilip ko ang kanyang bag, Nakita ko ang application for loan and iba pang proof of credit history. Hindi pala lahat ng tao dito sa New York ay manloloko. Guilty tuloy ako pero sabay ngiti hanggang. Bumalik siya at dali dali kong sinara ang kanyang bag. Nagpaalam habang ako naman ay kinikilig sa ilalim ng kumot. Naliwanagan ako na kailangan lang ng konti pang pasensya at ginhawa na naman. Ang New York ay Isang Isla. Para siyang nanay na kinaiinisan mo dahil basta pero patuloy mo pa rin na minamahal. Bago ko pala makalimutan, dumating ang isang maliit na package mula sa isang kompanya ng alahas. Mamaya pagdating niya, dedma ako kung tanungin niya kung binuksan ko ang package. Siyempre hindi, sinilip ko lang kaunti. Basta ang alam ko velvet box ang laman, Hulaan niyo na lamang ang nasa loob. Malapit na kase ang Hearts' Day.

 
Putang Ina! Ito ang bokabularyo ko sa linggong ito. Hindi ko na babanggitin ang mga rason kung bakit ako bad trip pero ang sarap kase bigkasin ang mga salitang ito. Sa sobrang inis  ko, nasabi ko pa kay Lord na "Lintik naman Lord, pinagtritripan mo na naman ako! Ano bang drama mo?" Sabihin niyo nang ingrata ako pero kung mag file ka ba naman ng income tax at lumabas ay may utang ka na $2000 libo sa state, hindi ka ba mababangag? O yung mga boss mo ay tuluyang naging mg ahas at binubugbog ng pagod ang katawan mo araw araw? Wala akong tequila sa tabi kaya hopeless ako ngayon. Hindi na ako naninigarilyo dahil mahal ko na ang aking baga kaya talagang mainit ang ulo ko. Pero may nangyari sa araw na ito na hindi ko akalain na gigising at magbabalik sa akin sa katotohanan. Ang buhay ay maganda, kapag inisip mo lagi na puro pagsubok papangit ka lang nang tuluyan. Siguro hindi lang tapik ang ginawa ni JC pero isang malaking tulak ang ginawa niya sa akin. May sulat ako galing Children's International. Ito ay isang organisasyon na tumutulong sa mga mahihirap na bata mula sa Mexico, Honduras, Colombia, ibang parte ang US at Pilipinas. Itatapon ko na sana pero nakita ko ang larawan ng isang batang babae. $22 monthly kung mag- sponsor ka ng isang bata. Sa donasyon na ito, mabibigyan siya ng pang edukasyon, tulong medikal at iba pang pangangailan. Nag- compute ako at less than $300 annually ang mababawas sa aking sweldo. $22 na madali kong ginagastos sa Victoria's Secret at tuwing Biyernes sa paborito kong Vietnamese restaurant. Hindi konsensya pero ang pakiramdam na panahon na upang makatulong ako sa kapwa Pilipino ko. Mga bata ang pinag- uusapan kaya siyempre, nakuha ang puso ko. Tiningnan ko ang website at binasa ko kung saan napupunta ang mga donasyon, paano makipagcommunicate sa aking ispo-sponsor na bata at paano ako pipili. Excited akong tumingin sa mga larawan. Binasa ko ang mga profile at ang maikli nilang kwento. Isang batang lalake ang nakatawag pansin sa akin. Hindi ngiti ang binigay niya sa camera kundi isang malaking bungisngis. Nalaman ko rin na anim ang kanyang kapatid at nanay lamang niya ang may trabaho. Bukod pa rito, $28 lamang ang monthly income niya. Ang talent niya ay drawing at singing. Hindi na ako nagduda na baka exaggeration lamang ang mga detalye. Gumawa ako ng account at sa isang click ng mouse, naging sponsor na ako ng isang bata sa ating Inang Bayan. Ako lamang ang kanyang magiging pangalawang "ina." Masarap pala ang pakiramdam. Hihintayin ko na lamang ang mga papeles sa susunod na mga araw, ang sulat galing sa kanya at ang kanyang picture. Salamat kay JC, hindi niya ako binatukan dahil sa pagmumura ko pero sinabi niya gamit ang isang bata na hindi lahat sa buhay ay mahirap. Ang totoo ay may mas mahirap sa akin at may kakayahan ako na tumulong. Sa ngayon, pinagkakalandakan ko na isa na akong nanay. Pangako ko na hindi ko ititigil ang aking sponsorship kahit magkapamilya ako. Hindi ko man makita nang personal ang bata, magsusulatan naman kami at alam kong matutunan rin niya na ang buhay ay hindi lamang puro "Putang Ina!"

Puerto Filipina

Paghuhusga

Pinili kong hindi pumasok sa trabaho ngayong araw na ito. Wala akong sakit maliban sa konting sipon dala ng sobrang lamig na panahon. Malungkot lang ako kaya wala akong gana magturo. Maaring sabihin niyo sa akin na sinayang ko ang isang araw para lang pagbigyan ang aking pagsesenti. Malaking hindi ang maibibigay ko. Kahapon ay umiyak sa harapan ko ang aking kaibigan. Nagtuturo din siya sa eskwelan na pinagtratrabahuan ko. Ibibigay na kase ang aming rating sa gitna ng taon at ito ang maglalagay sa amin sa ginhawa o patuloy na pangangamba. Ito ang aming kapalaran pero ang sa kanya ay hindi maganda, mas lalo na dahil walang basehan. Purong personalan ang nangyari. Dahil hindi siya "yes" person, hinanapan siya ng butas. Naiinis ako na natatawa dahil sa tatlong rason kung bakit hindi pa siya magiging tenured. Isa, lagi daw may lumalabas na estudyante sa kanyang kwarto. Malaking Bullshit! Dahil ako mismo nakita ko na lumalabas ang mga maliliit na dwende kapag hindi siya ang guro. Yung dalawa naman kase cluster teachers ay walang alam kundi i- adjust ang gold earring at himasin ang globe. Sila ang walang classroom management at hindi ang kaibigan ko. Pangalawa, ang tinuturo daw niya ay hindi tugma sa mga pangangailangan ng mga bata. Hello? Eh siya kaya ang gumawa ng curriculum noong summer? Ang sabihin mo ang mga tao sa opisina ang boplaks to the 10th power. Pangatlo. hindi daw maintindihan ang kanyang diction at mali ang kanyang grammar. Halos mahulog ako sa aking mesa dahil ang boss nga namin ay ilang ulit kong narinig na "We was at the meeting yesterday in the Region." Bukod pa rito, ang daming guro ang hindi mo maintindihan dahil parang nilulunon pa ang salita. Ewan ko kung anong nangyayari sa mundo. Hindi lang baligtad ang sikmura ng mga tao, pati balumbalunan. Basta ang alam ko, nasa likod at harapan ako ng kaibigan ko. Kapwa Filipino siya pero mas mabigat pa ang rason kung bakit ko siya susuportahan. MAGALING SIYANG GURO at hindi makatarungan na ipatalsik siya dahil sa mas maputi siya. (malaking halakhak naman diyan!)

Habang sinusulat ko ito, naisip ko kung ano rin ang kapalaran ko sa aking trabaho. Malalaman ko ito ngayong linggo. Naisip ko rin ang posibilidad na bigyan ako ng Unsatisfactory o hindi ako bibigyan ng tenure. Pinaghandaan ko na ito dahil ilang beses ko na rin sila nakabanggaan dahil sa prinsipyo. Ang hindi nila alam, andyan ang kapangyarihan ng email at ng copier.

1. Lahat ng request ko na pinangakuan nila at hindi tinupad ay nasa email. Official email pa ito at nagpapakita na ginawa nila akong talong sa pagkahilo.
2. Lahat ng documents na nagpapatunay na pumirma sila na ibibigay nila ang serbsiyo sa mga estudyante na as usual ay hindi nila ginawa, ,may sarili akong kopya. May kopya pa ang magulang kaya pwede ko sabihin na binigay sa akin.
3. Lahat ng observation ko ay S kaya magspli- split ako kung sasabihin nila na wala kong silbi na guro. Teka, maisip ko baka kantiin nila ako dahil sa mga sumusunod:

1. Mula Disyembre eh naka jeans ako at turtle neck. Color coordinated pati boots at accesories. Sobrang lamig kase kaya pahinga muna ang aking blazers. Malamang pag- initan nila ang wardrobe ko.
2. Nakipag- away ako sa aking kasama sa loob ng classroom. Siya naman ang unang sumigaw sa akin. Sinabi ko na nga na tumigil siya at saka kami mag- usap sa opisina. Eh, putsa! ayaw makinig, sabay sigaw at mura pa rin. Aba! di naman ako tanga na tatayo na lang doon. Sabay sagot rin ako. Siyempre nakarating sa boss ko. Ma at pa ko, bati na kami at tinawanan na lang namin ang cat fight.
3. ANG MALAKING NO na galing sa bibig ko sa mga irrational na utos sa akin.
4. Mas maganda ang ibinigay kong regalo sa mga sekretrya at custodian noong Pasko kesa sa kanila.
5. May New York twang na ako pero hindi maalis ang pagkabigkas ko ng centimeter (Pinoy Style).
6. Tinulungan ko ang isa kong katrabaho na gumawa ng lesson plan. Sa madaling salita, pinakopya siya. Nahuli dahil kinolekta ang pareho namin folder. Hindi ako sumagot nung tinatanong ako kung pinahiram ko. Nakipagtitigan lang ako buong meeting.
7. Sa buwan ng Enero at Pebrero, dito ang panahon ng aking absences dahil sa hika. Ilang pusa na ang inamoy ko pero di pa ito natatanggal. Wala sila laban kase nasa medical records ko naman.
8. Strikto ako sa aking mga estudyante. Takot at sa akin lang sumasagot. Sa akin lang dapat takutin kung in and out ng building na ang bata tapos sabay tawa sa iyo. Naganap ito kahapon. Hindi mapilit ng boss ko na pumasok sa loob ang aking estudyante. Well, isang tingin kay Ms. T, pumasok na ang brat. Walang sigaw. Yung ba ang strikto?
9. Hindi ako umattend noong party kase nanood ako ng sine. Di ko feel yung food eh at naibigay ko naman na ang mga regalo.
10. Sa loob naman ng halos tatlong taon na pagtuturo ko sa New York, may natutunan kahit papaano ang mga bata. Lalo na po ang correct grammar.

A Series of Unfortunate and Unthinkable Events

Columbus Day Weekend, 2004

I was running as fast as I can in the bitter cold. I turned around and tossed the keys.

"Just run! Do not open the door unless I call you!" I hollered to my friend

Anthony is in the house with the two boys! My breath held by a single strand of prayer. I quietly darted to the sidewalk while eyeing the car parked across the street. I saw  Anthony and the two boys going down the steps, vigilant of the danger that surrounds us.

"Walk fast and do not go to the apartment, go to the train station. Wait for me there."

" Is she following us? Did you see her?"

"Let's walk faster, do not look back."

We stopped by a lit corner of the street and begging the heavens that she did not see us.

"She is not there, let's go back now. Keep your eyes open and be alert." These words of Anthony brought me back to my senses.

 For two days and nights, I hid my friend's family from danger. We were like mice waiting for the snakes to go away. They never did and their venom left a deep scar of pain. How did this happen? Simple, there are wolves here looking for vulnerable lamb. My friend was the lamb and she was swept away because of her trusting heart. Sadly, that trust almost took her life and of her family's.

What happened next? In the next chapter, events will unfold that will break your heart and will make you question, "are there people who are really born evil?"

Bronxite

I came across this word when I was watching the news. The impact of the word hit me and reminded me that yes, I live and work in The Bronx. It has been close to three years since I arrived from a small city in the Philippines. Throughout this time, I have dealt with culture shock, pleasant and unpleasant people. My parents were hesitant to help me financially to get here when they learned that I will be teaching in The Bronx. Images of gang wars, drug chases and an unsafe environment caused them to have irrational worries. However, I was able to persuade them that I will survive since I have to earn money or I will die poor. With two suitcases, I left the life I was used to and flew to New York, uncertain of things to come. The city has been nice to me from the moment I tripped in front of so many people in JFK to dealing with my first nasty boss. I wanted to give up but going back home is not an option. I spent too much money and my pride is too high to be a failure. For a time, I felt so scared to ride the subway or sit beside a very loud, obnoxious person, but as months went by, I realized I am a part of the rat race. The change in the way I speak was the first sign I was becoming a real Bronxite; the longer I stay here, the feistier I get. In my workplace, you can be the lamb or the wolf. I do not choose to be either one since I cannot be a total bitch or a doormat. I chose to have balance; I am nice to respectable people and always guarded against those who don't know any better. I know I have a long way to go before I become a true Bronxite then to a true New Yorker. When I talked to my grandmother on the phone, she mentioned the following observations that made me laugh until snoot came out of my nose.

Hazel: HELLO! GRANDMA! It's Hazel
Grandma: Putsa! I am not yet deaf! Lower your voice. Is a megaphone attached to your mouth?
Hazel: HOW are you? How is your therapy?
Grandma: Fine, I still got my nine ribs. How are you? Make sure you are always safe. I am always watching any news about New York.
Hazel: I am alright Grandma. Just tired from work. I do not even have time to go out after work except on weekends. Letse! I have to do my own laundry too plus ironing which sucks! PUTSA!
Grandma: Hmmm, you still have a potty mouth. Only worse! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Hazel:I will send you your allowance at the end of this month. Buy yourself a bikini. HAHAHAHAHAHA
Grandma: PUTANGINA mo! You know that my breasts are already reaching the floor! I miss you "anak" (child).
Hazel: I miss you too. Got to go Grandma. I will call again. Love you.
Grandma: Always be safe. Have safe sex but no marriage yet. HAHAHAHAHAHA

I truly think that my grandma with her 86 glorious years attached to her can be a Bronxite. She is a tough cookie and she is my inspiration to get out of my comfort zone to venture into this country. I thanked her everyday since I have fallen deeply in love with New York.

Addicted to Victoria's, Inc.

I have a confession to make. It may sound irrelevant but since I have no serious topic to write about, I chose to write about my panties. I am addicted to Victoria's Secret panties. Yes, my panties will be the meal of the site today. Since I came from the "Pearl of the Orient", I have been buying panties from Victoria's Secret on a regular basis. To estimate the number I have, I own at least 160. My boyfriend gasped in horror as I revealed the number. He looked at me like I committed one of the deadly sins like gluttony but I firmly believe that a woman should never be seen with a underwear that is hole infested or worst rag like. He further accused me of being a Victoria's Secret parasite and threatened to hide my VS Angel Card. However, there is no intervention that will cure me of my addiction. I have varieties such as the boy cut, low rise, high rise, bikini and the thong. I stopped buying the thongs since I felt uncomfortable with just a string and a ribbon on my butt. To add to the matter, it gives a sensual rubbing when things get too tight. Perhaps this is the reason many women wear thongs. I gave up on them since I felt bare and I don't want anyone staring at me squirming on my subway seat. I counted them while I was doing my holiday cleaning. I was surprised but I know there are others who own more than I do. However,the topic of women's panties to men may be ridiculous (except for those who have a fetish for it), I realize that "not having enough underwear" for a woman is a fact and it is important. It defines us from men who pride themselves of having at least 5 boxers or briefs. Almost all of them do not care if they have worn it twice. On the other hand, women feel empowered by these panties. Call me absurd but I know that wearing one even if you are as fat a blue whale or as thin as a pole, you somehow feel sexy everytime. You may wear a frumpy get up but underneath is a satin underwear with lace and ribbon trimmings. Feels like a Christmas tree and a vixen, right? For me, my reason is more sentimental. When I first came to Gotham City, I did not have enough money to buy anything from Victoria's Secret. All I can afford was the dollar panties from the Lot Store which unfortunately are slightly irregular. Wearing them was hell since it would bunch up on the other side and grip like an Anaconda. It was one of the signs that I was struggling like the Israelites during the Exodus. Add this to my having only $19 to survive for three weeks, a room fit for Stuart Little and worrying about the skyrocketing interest of my loan. When things got better for me, I paid off all my debts and I got paychecks in a steady stream, I started buying panties. What started with 5 for $25 VS panties turned into an empire, well sort of. Seventy percent of them are in red since I love the color and I have at least 20 VS brassiere. Yesterday as with all Sundays, my boyfriend and I were strolling in 86th street. We bought DVDs on sale from Circuit City and Best Buy as if we still have space for more. We were heading back home when I noticed the Pink Sign on  the VS store. Semi- Annual Sale! Hordes of women flocked. My feet were itching to cross the street but my boyfriend said "Stay!" He would not let me go and defended that he was just "saving" me from further expense. Well, I lost the battle but I have time to retaliate. Maybe on Friday, I will sneak an attack and buy a few underwear, I will try to so desperately.

Seven years after Y2K

Seven years ago,  everyone was on their toes waiting for the year 1999 to be 2000. The new millennium brought excitement, skepticism and irrational fears brought about by media or from the man who smokes marijuana at the corner of the street. At that time, I still did not have a stable job, just part time mediocre ones since no company was interested to hire a newly graduate much less a Psychology major. "Oh, you;re a psychology graduate, we do not have openings in the HR department and we don't need counselor." I was saying bullshit to Freud, Jung and Fromm for all their theories which I thought will get me somewhere. I kept on forgetting that my country's rate of unemployment is as high as Empire State building. My classmates said that I should be thankful since my parents still feed me and lets me drive my car with matching gas allowance. It was darn frustrating but I found ways to keep me afloat doing research jobs for professors who are doing their thesis for graduate school. However, the easiest way to avoid being desperate was to go partying with my fellow unemployed friends and together we became strong to embrace the inevitable truth, real life sucks and college was heaven. As Y2K approaches, people panicked withdrawing all their money and hoarding supplies from the grocery. I asked my father who is a banker if the world's computer system would really crash and if a virus would really reverse everything to zero. I even suggested that he can give me some of his money just in  case. He laughed at me and said "No, sweetheart, the world is not going to crash, people are just being hyped. They think it is going to be doomsday but I assure you, I had a meeting with my bosses and we know it's not going to happen. with your suggestion, I don't think so but nice try though." My mother on the hand stacked up on candles, bought sacks of rice and filled our cupboards with canned corned beef. It is extremely difficult to live with two people who have totally opposing ideas. Everytime I walked down session road, I hear people talking, I call it concocting crazy ideas about Y2K. I waned to laugh  but I was too pissed to mind them. Blame it on my unstable job status, my relationship of 3 years going down the drain and my impatience to earn money, I considered the coming year as an omen of more bad things to come. At 11:59 pm, I was with my grandmother in the living room. She was holding on to her wallet with thick wads of money and I well, was feeling 25 centavos in the pocket of my shorts. I held my breath until Y2K appeared on the clock. There was silence and for a second, I thought all the elevators in the world crashed. Everything was alright and there was no proof of the supposedly deadly virus. I turned on the TV and I saw Times Square on cable, people were welcoming 2000 with a blast. Call it premonition but I told my grandmother, "Someday, I will be in New York partying with those Nyorkers." My grandmother chuckled and answered "Putsa! Don't you have enough parties to attend here?"

That was seven years ago and here I am welcoming my third New Year in the Big Apple. I spent half of the waiting time for New Year at my Filipino friend's house eating her lechon and singing for two hours on her videoke. I was practically alone, croaking until I drove all the mice out. I called up my boyfriend to spend the last hour of 2006 with his family. We were watching the ball drop in Times Square on the laptop which is more convenient than being squashed alive. "Happy New Year!" with kisses and hugs to one another. Actually Li, his nephew was the most enthusiastic. As I was having my second round of pina colada with added rum, I thanked a being I know is powerful than me, friends I still have and I look forward to a year with less "viruses" and more happy memories.

 
Chapter 3
Strawberries and Chair

Chapter Two

Duplicates