The Color Periwinkle
I went to Manhattan Went to Circuit City I was eyeing a Video Camcorder On sale, a good price  

I look around for a sales person

I spotted a colored guy I asked nicely if he can help me

He retorted, "Everyone is Busy"

 I was snubbed, unattended and totally pissed

 I went to hunting mode and found another one

I said I needed help I used sign language because English is a barrier

He helped and I said thank you

I commended him in front of his supervisor

I was still fuming mad when I saw the same Gnome

Entertaining only customers who have his same color

Color of Periwinkle

He brushed off others

It fueled more my anger

I voiced out and pointed him out

As I exit the store

 I looked at him and said "I will never shop in this store again"

"You just lost a valued customer because you only see color"

 He said nothing for I was glaring at him

Penetrating through his bones

It is sad that many people of color

Fought for freedom and Equality

Free from prejudice

 But it is so ironic that they

Have becomes the Prejudicial

I do not like the Color Periwinkle

I hate the hues of resentment and isolation

If life will be a liquor
I would choose Tequila
With its sweet intoxicating effect
Without any hint of bitterness in the morning
Fresh as new, relaxed to face the day


Tequila has been a part of me
Such as I am a part of her
With all the highs and lows
She is a constant presence
Ever reliable as my ally

There was one time
That Tequila saved me
After a devastating end
of a worthless relationship
She was my console

No one believed I would still live
Except her and my round table
My round table of Tequila Buddies
In a similar state as I was
The shots go faster as the night stretches

There are so many methods
On how to drink Tequila
Lick the salt, shot
Then bite into the lemon
Whatever method is perfectly alright

I choose to look at the shot glass
A measuring glass for peanuts
Swirling it first, then turning it three times
Why? Three turns that means something
Pain. Fight. Resurrect

Then I dunk the shot of Tequila
Lick the salt then bite the damn lemon
And just smile back
As she flows in my bloodstream
Altering my mind, leading me to silence

After so many shots
I feel fine, perfectly fine
Like I can do anything
Admit my stupidities
And laugh, learn from them


The last rendezvous
I had with Tequila
Was the most memorable
It was set up by my Buddies
Of the Round Table

They said it was to bury me
I mean the very painful event
That almost killed me
To commemorate it
It must die with the last drop of Tequila

Another bottle was open
This time to celebrate
My new life, a new beginning
Another degree with honors
And a voyage to New England

As I take every shot with my buddies
I look at Tequila
"You have been so good to me"
I felt like crying, I felt vulnerable
"But I trust you, you will still be with me"

The last round was enacted
My buddies all look wasted
But there I was still smiling
Giggling like a kid
Until I stood up

Whoa! The world is spinning
Where the heck are my keys
My purse, my cellphone
Oh okay, I still got two ears
Last thing I recall, I was hauled into a car

Next morning, I awakened
fresh again, no stinky smell
Alright, I scouted the room
What the __? I am in my friend's floor
...... and her still wasted on the bed.

Got my cell, dialed a number
"Hi, how the ____ck did I get here"
"Duh? You and the gals were so fast,
We didn't even have second rounds"
"Okey, how come I don't remember anything?"
"What do you expect, you gluttons,
you finished the seven bottles of Tequila!"
Pressed end call, smiled and stood up

That was the last time I was with Tequila
At times, I miss her so much
However without my round table of buddies
It is not an exhilarating meeting
I will wait until all the knights are here

My life is like Tequila
Sweet yet mystifying
Gentle but cuts deeply
Flows like the air, drops as flames
And pours like endless hope

Thirteen pieces of clay

Lined up against the wall

Most are broken, others lost

Some doubting, few had hope

I stood in front of them

Loss for words

Unsure, less confident

Sad for all their miseries

I took each piece of clay

I tried to get a grip on each one

But resistance creeps in

I am not yet worthy

And then I thought

What if I were a piece of Clay

How would I like to be molded?

Crude, with toughness

Or with Faith and Empathy

I closed my books

And started my own clay school

A little room beside the exit sign

Where no one cares to look inside

I attempted to mold the most scarred piece of clay

With his pain and fury in his young existence

My hands bled, my heart ached

But I did not let go, not this time

Little by little I molded that clay

At times, it would improved its form

And most times, it just crumbled

But I always pick up the pieces

The twelve pieces of clay watched

As I showed my determination

Not to give up on them

Even if all the others have done so

See, these pieces of clay are different

They do not have what we possess

A voice, a pair of feet, two perfect hands

A brain that can do things

For six hundred days

We worked hard

To mold each other

Until almost all of us fit together

My right hand was tough

 No excuse just because they are different

My left hand was the most important

It lifts up spirits when they crumble again

I talked to them like they have voices

I run with with them like they have feet

Each time a piece of clay bends in the wrong way

The others mold him back to the team

Last week,  someone took a photo

Of what I worked hard for

Thirteen Pieces of  Clay smiling

With PRIDE and CONFIDENCE

I held each of them so tight

Then I bid farewell

Sure that they will succeed

And live life to the fullest

Thirteen pieces of Clay

Taught, Accepted, Loved

Molded to be Independent

To choose, to Believe that they can

I locked the clay room

There will be more pieces

I smiled and wiped my tears

Thirteen pieces of clay,

Molded with Pieces of my Heart

In a place called Winds

A circle exists with a chair in the middle

Seven individuals seeking direction

Lost since the time they were born

Desperate and scared

To face their deepest fears

An old lady who fears responsibility

For her she is already dead

A teacher who wears hundreds of masks

To hide the pain, ending it with a knife

A Piano Man so talented

Like his fingers are feathers on the keys

Forgotten by his own family he cared for

For he lost all his wealth and fame

A young boy confused

He has everything but still an empty shell

Earthly things are at his beckoning

But he claims to be the poorest soul

A mother of three

Gave up her dreams  for them

Alone, she refuses to eat

The perfect role was taken from her

A composer who makes music in a flash

Slits his wrists because he was in so much rage

To the very core of his bones

He loathed his childhood, never wanted to be born

A genius craves acceptance

Uses her body to get it

Sex is her refuge and her pitfall

After the thrill she was just  used and forgotten

That chair is dreadful

Each one had to sit in it

Talk to PAIN, SUFFERING, HATRED,

ISOLATION, REJECTION, FAILURE.

The chair gives them the right to say

"I hate you" to parents who betrayed their trust

"Go to hell!" to a husband who trashed his own wife

"You are more stupid than me" to a father who beat his son everyday

"I wish you'd die" to a mother who tricked her own daughter to be raped by her grandfather

"I am so fucking empty!" to a Father who was never there

"Remember me please." to a sister who disowned her own brother after he paid for her education

"Fuck you bitch!" to a mother who called her own daughter a whore for having her period

For thirty days, that chair was despised, feared

Yet it released the fury, anger, resentement

And paved the way to LET GO

Flashed the sign "MOVE ON!"

The seven people described to the Chair

Their own personal hell, wounds still fresh

And the Chair acknowledged them

Probed until all is spilled

Until they were just empty vessels

For rebirth and redemption

The seven people bid farewell to the Chair

To each other, no words needed

"I understand what you went through,

And we will try to live life without

PAIN, SUFFERING, HATRED,

ISOLATION, REJECTION, FAILURE"

....... The door closes and the Winds carried the seven people with their scars healing and with faith that life is still good ...........

I started walking down the block

My mind starts to race

Too many thoughts, too many plans

I cannot wait, I am not patient

I have to accomplish everything

I unlocked my door

My eyes hovered like an eagle

What needs to be done

Oh I need to clean the kitchen

But I like to cook lunch first

I am again in a dilemma

This always happens

Even when I talk

My mind outruns me

So many thoughts, the shortest time

I multi- tasked again

Juggling three to four tasks

Leaving me panting

But it gives me that thrill

The ecstacy of control

Growing up in a chaotic home

There is no control, no order

Just pain and uncertainty

I built my own world

I wanted it to be perfect

Yet I am human with flaws

So many times I failed

Many plans never follow through

I tried it with affairs of the heart

But I always lost the bet

I looked at the shiny floor of my apartment

My reflection sparkles like glass

Things are in place, neatly in order

Every detail carefully examined

But I feel so damn exhausted

For twenty years, I battled with having control

Over my parents, my studies, my job

I have accomplished much

But control takes away more than what I got

I needed to be free

Months ago, I let go

I wanted my brain be controlled

before I lose it all, to slow down

I realized life is not about

What I can or cannot do

I slowed down

For I have grown old

I felt I was in three lifetimes already

But never savored what was essential

I desired to be reborn

I looked again at the floors

Spic and span, feels good

The urges in my head race still

I turned to clean the windows

I stopped and clasped my hands together tight

Stop it! You cannot do everything at once

I hate this but I need to accept it

I reached for the bottle

Popped a pill

Calmness sets in

I am now in control

of not being controlled by my urges

I try to break down steps

I dropped the mop

Turned on the player

Sat in a corner, closed my eyes

And I lost myself to the music

A man in a grey vest

Sits across the woman

"I am Adam, your counselor

I am here to assist you"

The Woman looks at the ceiling

No clue why and how she got here

Looks at Adam

tried to smile

Adam scribbles on his notepad

"What is your name?

How old are you?

Why are you here?"

The woman stiffens in the chair

"Because I tried to kill myself

Do not ask me anymore

 I am you and you are Me"

Adam peers into the woman's eyes

"I can break through this nutcase

She is just one of the many I handled

This is going to be so easy"

The woman crossed her legs

"I do not need your help

I do not like people asking me why

I thought and I decided to die"

A frown forms on Adam's face

"I am here for you

I am sure you want to live

That is why you came here"

Woman holds up her hand in the sunlight

"It is not my choice, I was forced to be here

Everybody wants me to Live

They all seem to know me

But they have no single fucking clue"

Adam raised his finger at the woman

"Profanity is discouraged here

I know we can talk in a civilized way

I am not your enemy. I am an ally

I am just here to help"

The woman looks out the window

"It is starting to snow

When will I be out of here?

Do not attempt to fix me

You may be the one who will get fixed"

Adam twirls his pen and breathes deeply

"Look, I need to know your reasons

Why you wanted to die

If you are ready, then just call for me

The woman looks at Adam

"You think you are God

Asking these questions is irrelevant

I know what you are trying to do?"

Adam mumbles at such sheer arrogance

"And why do you think I am God?

My questions will help you see clearly

I know you still want to get better"

The woman slouched on the chair

" You think you are God

You ask psychological questions

Because you think they can give answers

Why people are sad, obsessive, aggressive

You fucking see patients as mere lab rats

That you can fix and mold

Into pretty butterflies

But in reality

We are still rotten maggots

You play it cool

But I see your Shield

I see it vividly

You do this to protect yourself

You are a maggot as well

Far worse than me

You conceal it by giving therapy and counseling

Bullshit! I don't give a damn"

Adam's face turns red

"As I already said, I am not your enemy

I just want information from you

It will help in your recovery"

The woman wags her finger at him

"Recovery? Who fucking cares about recovering?

Tell me Adam, have you recovered?

Have you totally controlled your rage?"

Adam shifts uncomfortably

"I am not the one who needs help right now

Please be cooperative

If you answer my questions, this will all be over"

Woman's eyes glared

"Oh Adam. my poor Adam

You have not changed

You still hate everything in this world

You just act in pretense

Now tell me, how was your childhood

I bet it was taken away from you

Your father fucked you in the ass

And your uncle held you

Your mother laughs as she puffs her cigar

This went on and on and on

Every single night

You were a piece of meat

Until you ran away

Changed your life by becoming a counselor

To help sad people

Didn't you wish they'd die?

I bet you did, you wanted to kill them

All of them

Adam sobbed at the truth

"How did you know?

I cannot believe it

Yes I am still angry, I want to kill them, all of them!"

The woman reaches over to Adam

"How did I know?

I was a psychologist, .a brilliant one

I was trained to master seeing through minds

Analyze behavior and conclude prognosis

Until I got tired of listening to people's shit

For I was shit as well"

Adam touches the woman' hand

"Please do not tell anyone

I need help, I am lost

I do not want to die, I do not want to kill"

The woman held Adam's  hand as they walked to the window

"Do you see the snow?

I actually love it, it covers everything

It numbs the pain

Adam, now that I broke through your wall

I can trust you

I help you, you help me

Easy, equal footing

Now let me start with the day

My brother inserted a bottle inside my pussy"

Adam looked at the woman and smiled as he led her back to the chair...

Why Cant I be You?

It was a random day last week that I clicked on MTV. It was showing one of the episodes "Why Cant I be You?" It focused on a cheerleader who wanted to experience how it is to live as one of her gothic/ punk/ tattooed/ pierced schoolmate. She fits the stereotypical role of a cheerleader, too nice yet so boring. I liked the other person, beneath all that nose ring and heavy black eyeliner, she comes off as a sincere, unfazed and confident young person. The cheerleader had to be with her for 48 hours, dress like her, meet her friends and at the end, got a nose stud. I found it shallow but interesting, cheesy but manipulative and downright brutally honest. Honest to me since at times I wish I were living a different persons life.

Why cant I be Giselle Bundchen?

With those curves and hot body

Have a billion dollar contract with VS

Used to date Leonardo DiCaprio

But nah, I can t wear those heavy angel wings

Why cant I be Paris Hilton?

Get to date every young Greek tycoon every 2 weeks

Have an annoying dog named Tinkerbell, paid to party

My own sex video, get my phone stupidly stolen

Pass, I love my titties a lot plus my brain too

Why cant I be Nicole Richie?

Have a total body and wardrobe makeover

Call every girlfriend Hey Bitch!

Be in a fake simple life

Declined. I am more bulimic that the anorexic type

Why cant I be Beyonce?

With that bootylicious butt

Multi million recording contract

Dates music mogul Jay Z

No, I am too Asian and I cant gyrate on a chair

Why cant I be Donald Trump?

Gets married/ divorced a couple of times

Own half of Manhattans buildings

Gets to ogle at Ms. Universes candidates

Hell no! Id die if I have that hair

Why cant I be Bill Gates?

Wealthiest man on the planet

Started the high technology era

Owns a perfect computer generated mansion

Maybe, but I am too selfish to donate billions each year

Why cant I be Tom Cruise? Cruise Control

Overcame dyslexia, starred in MI 's but hasn't won an Oscar

Used to be with Nikole, but knocked up shallow Katie

Protests against medications, claims Science is everything

I refuse to jump on my expensive couch; I am on medication to lessen my manic signs

Why cant I be P. Diddy?

Dated J to the Lo, so rich, filthy rich

Have a bloated ego and gets away with it

Be the horrific ogre on "Making the Band 1/2/3.whatever"

Nope, I never had serious acne, never used Pro Active

Why cant I be Jessica Simpson?

Got the body, face hmmm, brains; no clue

Starred in a newlywed now newly divorced reality show

Rich by endorsing make up lines, acne, trying to sing

But I am way too smart to first sign a pre- nup

Why cant I be Simon Cowell?

Be able to roast hopeless American Idol wannabes

Annoy Paula which I would love to do

Foot in mouth cause Hicks won

Nope, I am not happy and I am not British

Why cant I be Tommy Mottola?

Married to Mariah who had a breakdown, a smashing comeback

Now married to Thalia, nice rack and waist! Voice, mediocre.

Owns one of the biggest music label co.

But I do not want to be called a Beast

Why cant I be Hillary Clinton?

Senator, maybe president

Nice wardrobe, well behaved daughter Chelsea

Have Bill for a husband whose dick got sucked

Pass, I love Gaps blue dress of course without the semen stain

Why cant I be Saddam Hussein?

Wreaked havoc in the Middle East, psychotic

Ruled Iraq mercilessly, got the oil

Caught in a hole but still on trial

Nope, I cant bear being enemies with Bush

Why cant I be Kim Jong II?

Build and store nuclear weapons

Have orgies in his tub

Star in his own "epic" movies

Nah, my level of insanity is way too low

Why cant I be Osama Bin Laden?

Responsible for 911, remains free

Hated by all Americans, loved for the "Jihad"

Sent video messages to the White House

Pass, I like world peace and the skyscrapers of NY

Why cant I be President Bush?

Brains ? Grammar? Sense?

Wasting US money for a senseless war

Sending troops to "fix" the situation

Fucking Big No!

Why cant I be Tommy Lee?

Used to fuck Pamela Anderson, great drummer

Went to a reality college show, rocking rich

Dangerous yet endearing, wild but so sexy

If only I can control that big, loooooooooong dick

Why cant I be this, that, whoever?

I am never satisfied

Much less very cynical

I think I will just be myself

An average Nyorker, can do ASL

Teach, play the DS, PS 2, X Box

Write, paint, burn not cook, say what I want to say

Be a total brat/bitch depending on the scenario

Without being a pain in the ass to humanity

. And maybe I can add more inches to my height, decrease inches on my waist, perfect eye vision, washboard abs,blah, blah, blah and keep my brain working...

 After an intense workout of Kinetic PS2 and followed up by an hour of Pilates, panting and cursing to reshape my body, I was aching to take a shower at long last. As I turned the knobs to calculate the right temperature of hot and cold, I found myself lost in the stream of the water going down the drain. I jumped inside and just let the water sliver down                    

   Like a blanket of comfort 

   A mask to hide my complex thoughts I formed a lather from a vanilla soap   

    Playing with it like a little kid 

     Blowing the bubbles into the air

      Suddenly I was scared to close my eyes 

      Got the irrational feeling of being engulfed by water I put my hands on the wall   

         and looked down as the gush of liquid falls on my face           

A feeling of serenity, a moment to take advantage of

I got too many things inside my head       

 That at times I tell it to stop          

But the telling leads to pleading then to reasoning then to..

As the cold water wakens my every sense         

 A flashback of memories evolved in my mind          

A past that was a tough one but taught me everything

 An almost forgotten love, the very first kiss, the one who got away         

 A time of getting totally drunk with friends          

And not knowing how to get home

 

          As the suds wash away, I thought to myself. Maybe, life is a constant shower routine 

        You get dirtied with pain, rejection and frustration

         But you can always wash it away        

         Letting each drop of unnecessary misery down the hole        

         Can be  liberating, letting joy remain after each wash

 I recall so many things as I closed my eyes         I surrendered to the power of water         Stayed in the tub like for eternity ......... Until I realize that I am all wrinkled up like a prune...... I stepped out of the shower wondering what dirt I will encounter tomorrow.

Most people will say that fairy tales connote love, triumph of good over evil and of course the expected happily ever after.

However, I am not totally convinced. Maybe I am too much of a realist or I am just plain cynical.

I cannot be Cinderella

I consider chores a pain in the butt

I abhor mice, much less be friends with them

If I had an evil stepmother, I would be more evil

Beside I wear a size 8 shoes, I will surely break the glass slipper

And I love to party and stay awake beyond 12 midnight

I cannot be Snow White

Heaven forbid that I would look like a chalk face

I can befriend 7 little dwarfs if they give me gold

And I don't like apples that much, especially red ones

And I am vain too, looking constantly at my full length mirror

I cannot be Aurora/ Briar Rose/ Sleeping Beauty

My eyebrows can never be that high

Get married at 16 just because someone woke me up

With a kiss of true love or lust?

Come on, that is too unrealistic

I cannot be Belle/ Beauty

Among my siblings, I am the feistiest and the brattiest

Fall in love with a Beast? I did hoping he'd change

Nope, he turned into a frog full of warts

And was a full pledge beast until the end

I cannot be Ariel/ Little Mermaid

Have a lobster as a friend, hello hallucination!

Half lady. half fish.... stinky!

Have a pair of clams to cover my assets

And just lose my voice to have feet

I cannot be Gretel and eat a candy house

Be a sibling to Hansel who suggested bread crumbs, duh?

I do not have the heart to push an old lady in an oven

I'd rather tell my own mom to GET LOST

and have the crows have her for Dinner

I cannot be Thumbelina

Hey anyone can flick me

And have a mole as a suitor, no way

Having wings at the end means one thing

Thumbelina is also an insect

But I think I can fit the following fairy tale characters

I can definitely be Lucifer the Cat, I was into a cat fight once

I will also be a Gaston, I am loud and at times too vain

The evil queen, of course! Have a castle and magic mirror

I can change into any form I want

I can also be Maleficient. Hey I hate it when somebody forgets to send me an invitation

I can be Pinocchio, I am never good at lying

However, my nose does not get longer, just turns red.

This is not to discourage young people to believe in the "magic" of fairy tales. Here are simple facts that we should know when we get older;

Prince Charmings are not always charming, they are CHAUVINISTIC PIGS!

Women should not play the damsel in distress role, perverts will save you.

Stepmothers are not always evil, they just want your share of the inheritance

Witches do not die, they just turned to bitches

Animals can never talk, and mice will always be filthy

But try to talk to them, add delusion to hallucination!

....... Happily Ever Afters are not the always the end of tales....

It can be always, sometimes, once a week/ month/ year, never.

And so I write,

          Once upon a time, a woman types on her laptop about what fairy tales mean to her. She tried and tried, she huffed and she puffed but she never figures it out. And she lived happily ever after.

No Regrets

No regrets, no remorse, no second thoughts on

.......... being humble to admit that we were poor while growing up

.......... preventing myself from crying for Pride was the only thing I have

.......... eating wild bean sprouts since we didn't have food

.......... preoccupied myself by perfecting my handwriting

..........having 6 different handwriting styles

.......... laughing inside my head at teachers who are just plain idiots

..........telling myself that these bullies that someday "Things will Change" (and it did, losers!)

.......... finding solace from pain in books

No regrets, no remorse, no second thoughts on

......... having the perks of being with the most popular groups

......... getting drunk so many times I tasted every bottle (now I am not curious)

......... being a daredevil and having the "Hell I Care" Attitude

......... pretending that my heart got broken, in other words Good Riddance!

.........laughing LOUDLY at teachers who are just plain idiots

.........enjoying my senior year to the fullest extent

No regrets, no remorse, no second thoughts on

........taking up Psychology (hey it was the shortest line during enrollment)

........being friends with a lot of gay people (truest friends I have)

........ getting rid of a supposed best friend who was a snake all the while

........ playing billiards until 3 in the morning and having class at 7:30 am

........ loving my internship, the students, the patients

........Laughing and DEBATING Loudly with teachers who are just plain idiots

No regrets, no remorse, no second thoughts on

........ running away from home to have a job in a far far away land

........ enjoying my freedom, burning my clothes while ironing

........ loving teaching my students with special needs

........ learning to love learning again

No regrets, no remorse, no second thoughts on

........dumping the wrong person through a text message

........ not finishing his thesis so he can pass the damn arts course

........ not taking him back when he learned I was leaving for greener pasture

........ .fighting LOUDLY with his brother who was just a plain idiot

....... .taking care of his other brother who was special

.........Having the LAST LAUGH when he knew I was with a new person

No regrets, no remorse, no second thoughts on

.......having my last great adventures

.......meeting a person who was worth being with even if time was too short

.......packing my bags and stopped being too complacent with life

.......falling in love again

        and this time, he is a good man. (Finally used my head on this matter)