If only for one day, I will be a child again

Color my skies green, draw purple birds

And say to my kindergarten teacher

 "I like my pictures just the way they are"

And grin and ask for an extra cookie  

 If only for one day, I will be a teenager again

 Listen more to what the elders say

Then make more mistakes, loosen up

Learn from failures, not books

And be wiser not intelligent  

 If only for one day, I will choose another degree

No offense to Psychology, yet it put a mask

Between me and reality, wasting my time

Analyzing the past which is actually futile

 I will take up Commerce or Business Management

And be better at managing my hard earned money  

If only for one day, I will be my Mother

I will not dwell on misery and self-pity

Say "Fuck it!" He is a jerk, always will be

And move on, love my children

Letting them fail, for they are not perfect  

If only for one day, I will be my Father

I will wait for my true love to return

She did, but I got married to another out of rebound

A huge mistake, a miserable union, a pointless argument

I may not be a good husband but I’ll try to be a better dad  

If only for one day,. I will be my brother

I will say. "I am gay from the moment I was conceived"

 "I am not perfect Mom and I cannot be your counselor"

"I am your son who needs you, these medals mean nothing

They just added to the hollow space inside me"  

If only for a day, I will be my sister

Stand in front of the mirror and say "I am Pretty"

Even if mom says I am hideous and hopeless

I will be myself for I am smarter

And soothe my scars for my own child  

If only for one day, I will be my grandmother

Take credit for taking care of my grandchildren

When their parents were busy killing each other

I will fight to call them my own, save them

And call the police when they get beaten until they bleed  

If only for one day, I will be a single parent

I will carry all the huge responsibilities

I do not believe in saving face, it didn’t work out

With others, the hell I care, my child is most important

I can be better that those nonstop quarreling couples    

If only for one day, I will be my guy best friend in college

I will tell Hazel that I love her for the longest time

I will not waste 4 years waiting for the moment, thousands they were

I will not die wishing her luck and joy with her flame

I’ll be proud to say I know what makes her happy and there is hope for us  

If only for one day, I will be my gay best friend

Stand up to my father who beats me

No job, a nuisance, a total jerk

I will stand proud of who I am, live my decision

I choose to be me, so who gives a damn?  

If only for one day, I will be my boyfriend

Show disappointment when Hazel shows up late

Scold her gently for being a brat, an irrational and impatient one

Tell her that she is better than she thinks she is, she can achieve

And that life goes on, useless to wish that some events didn’t happen  

If only for one day, I will be my real self

No pretense, no follower of social expectations

For my age, I still believe that lightning

Is God’s Camera Flash when he takes a picture of me

I will always jump for joy when I see fireworks

And steal one more bite of that deliriously chocolate cake  

If only for one day, I will not be Ms. T the teacher

I will be painting and sketching again, writing riddles

Writing erotic poems which almost stopped me from graduating college

Read books in the speed of light and make a paper one-hour tops

Write love letters and get paid by my classmates for they

Always win the girl, one time, I got my own letter  

If only for one day, I can be just Hazel Without the label of an educator

An Author of Books, A teacher for special children, A sign language interpreter  

If only for one day, I will burn and not cook

Swim in my living room floor, squirming too

Counting the specks of white paint on the ceiling

Breathe like I mean it, laugh like I deserve it  

I guess we all need one day to be ourselves

Or try to imagine being like others

Perhaps we can fathom their dynamics

And also decode who we really are  

Set aside one day for yourself

You never know that behind that facade

Is a person inside that you never met before

But once you did,  it will surely be a blast

A rainy and chilly autumn day, silence utters hush

In the Big Apple, time seems to slow down

I slept like a bear under the covers, seeking warmth

One of the greatest thing a person can do

Is to sleep in for a day, once in a while

I chose happily, not to go out

Not to go shop or eat or run

Like what all Nyorkers do

I preferred to stay and think

Reminisce, the way I always do

I watched a flick instead

Funny, heartwarming love story

Girl always ends up with boy

Inspite of it all, the foolishness

True love prevails

Then a scene flashed before me

Deja vu, or so I think

I was in that scene, exactly the same

And I did what the actress did

Run away, we were confused

In the movie, she made the right choice

To be with the one who truly loves her

They kiss at the end, all smiles

A perfect ending, everybody is happy

Another disc to add to love stories

My heart told me something

It had run miles, I mean thousands of miles

On smooth ground, painful paths

Thorny and deceitful turns

But it never stopped hoping

My heart just continued

Beating, even if it was tiring

Even if I said "Stop!"

It never listened, stubborn heart!

It still loved, longed to be loved

My heart broke into a gazillion pieces

Shards as I may say, bruised and broken

I thought it was the end, I am a casualty

That my love story is a tragic one

I stopped believing

However, remnants of the good times

still creep into thy veins

Reminding me, that "hey, it was worth it"

I am not perfect, neither was he

But we tried but everyone grows up

A rush of memories unfold

A dozen balloons in the mall terrace

A cake that said "Marry Me"

"Above all, you are everything to me"

In a long quiet evening drive

Sweet text messages while taking my exams

Walking along the beach, watching the sunset

Celebrating hearts' day in a parking lot

With a soda and large fries

Those moments, I was in love

But life is unpredictable

What you want three years ago

Is not exactly what you want today

This means you have matured

And you are finding the path

The path that might lead you to the One

I am a hopeless nostalgic

and a hopeless romantic

But I always believed that maybe

Someday, I won't run away

And let that man sweep me off my feet

Just like in the movies

You never know who might come

Right now, I am happy. I chose M

He is more than ten times the worth

of all the Hollywood leading men

I have a student

A fragile young boy

Has to wear a helmet

for his head is too soft

A simple bump can be fatal

He is supported by steel braces

from chest to his legs

He wanders aimlessly

Needs to be called three times

in a loud voice since he has partial hearing loss

Attention Span is way too short

Yet he is so enthusiastic

So affectionate, so angelic

You can't help but to fall

for his unique charm

It is hard to facilitate his teaching

But he had me at "Morning, T"

9 months to be with him

I will hold his hand as we travel along the path

Together with his steel braces

And his big helmet

With my mind, body And heart, I will try

to "Bend" those rods

So he can be Free

Free to realize he has so much worth

In this apathetic world

So many codes, clues, mind games that

we don't even know we are in them

Look at the Woman who bore you

Tattoed on her are expected sacrifices

Is she happy, does she have secret dreams?

She looks back with regrets

Look at the Man whose fluid

Helped create you, gave you his name

Did he enjoy his youth, want to climb a mountain?

When offsprings came, feet stayed on the ground

Look at the class clown

Joking around, bubbly

With that annoying all day smile

A parody, his life is a big lousy joke

Look at the prettiest girl on campus

Those long legs, that cleavage

Long, black, shiny hair. Luscious lips

Food, always flushed away with red teary eyes

Look at the popular jock

Drives the ladies crazy, counts them like sheep

Hail to the basketball team, ideal guy

Slams dunks a book, couldn't read

Look at the boy friend

With you since diaper days

You love him right?

Secretly  he loves make up too

Look at the girl friend

Says "I'll hook you up"

Boffs the guy she set up for you

Crying after for being a nympho slut

Look at the silent classmate

Teased, bullied every period

Strange clothes, funny smell

His mind echoes "I will kill you all"

Look at the common friend

Paid not much attention

Just to pay 1/4 of the drinks

Is in love with you for all eternity

Look at the older brother

Who called you crazy, unstable

Unprofessional for dating his sibling you dumped

Insecure since he relies on their father's wealth

Look at the mean professor

Insulting students, failing them

Secretly wears a thong

Picks up "meat" at night

Look at the crazy man

Inside the looney bin

Stares at you, answers wryly

Can solve any mathematical equations

Look at the person in front of you

Stares blankly, says nothing

Thoughts, worries

Is this all I work hard for?

Look at the person

Who is she?

Ends this by typing

The name of her favorite painter

Van Gogh

A friend once told me that a person upon being hurt is likened to a broken piece of glass. No matter how much you try to glue the pieces back together, the cracks will still be eminent and it will never be the same again.

Analyzing my life (which I always do, blame it on my psychology degree), I think I can be classified as a certified broken glass. The question is ,  I survived being shattered into a thousand pieces, then can I still be categorized as flawed? The thing is humans are given the will to choose; to lose the battle or fight the war intensely. Every single person on this planet is a broken glass. Some are just slightly broken, badly broken and others broken beyond recognition.

To exist means to find the right kind of "glue" to put the pieces together again. I found my "glue" when I finally embraced the fact that the past cannot be changed and to inhale deeply like it is going to be my last breath.

Broken pieces of glass, broken people; Pieces that can fit. Perhaps you can fathom that being broken does not mean being dead. Among the piles of shards of broken glass, you might find that missing piece to complete you again.

Having written these words, I can answer my own question. No, I may be a broken piece of glass but I am not flawed. I struggled to "glue" myself and here I am in one piece amidst all the imperfections.

To anyone who read this, it is not too late to "glue" thyself. Being broken is just one way of making you stronger than you think you are

........ Invincible...........

In the wreckage of life
You mysteriously found me
Broke through walls
Never surrendered the crusade

A source of enthusiasm
An ally and a foe
In love and life
But every moment counts
For within your breath
I exist

The past took place
Present runs constantly
Future lies with uncertainty
With affirmation
I die in the soul you gave me

And the phoenix will still emerge
With Feathers of strength
And a healed heart
No more fear, no more hurt

Years from now
I may still hold your hand
Or reminisce that period
With your acceptance

Time will claim me
and in my death bed
A a smile on my face
will be etched

And the last sound
I will utter
Will be your name

.... and I have lived fully..........

I like rainbows

Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet

A special person in my life is a Rainbow

with different hues, feelings and a choice

To be different, to feel and love in another way

As a child, I enjoyed being his playmate

we spent hours playing with my dolls pretending they were models 

But as time passed, I was confused

People started asking me about him, why, when, how did it happen?

Then I shut off my world to him

To people who were curious about him because I was afraid

Afraid, scared to be not normal,

not to have the right answers

.......... Until..........

A guy took me out for dinner

He is a dream, had the looks, immense popularity

And a drop dead gorgeous face

In the middle of the main course

A rainbow man passed by and looked at him

He suddenly dropped his napkin and said

"I just lost my appetite, freaks of nature!"
"They are disgusting, filthy and should not have a place in this world"

I stood calmly and said I needed to go.

"You are so handsome, but you are filthier than the maggots in the trash. You are a pig, a hypocrite and you are quick to judge"

"My brother is Gay, If you have a problem with that, then I cannot have a relationship with you. He is far more of a man than you"

That was 9 years ago.

I am proud of him, I love him more as we get older

Now I tend to look out for him  more,

He looked out for me when I was finding my own identity

And now I fully support his rainbow choices

In my eyes, he will always be my brother

A kaleidoscope of rainbow colors

I met you during times when I was struggling

To find myself, to prove myself and to regain myself

You crush my hopes, drag me to the ground

And told me I can never do it

 

You came from the doubt of so many people

People I know, even love and care for

From their mouths came out the words

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

 

At times you get into my nerves

You annoy me, interrupting my pace

And I find myself becoming YOU

I say, "I can not do this anymore"

 

When I was young, I hate you

You were staple food

You made me cynical too

That things will change for the better

 

My life turned around, things were cool

I had so much but you were still there

Making me question

"Is this going to last?"

 

One person who sided with you

Said. "New York, you, impossible"

It hurt because I wanted it for him

But where is the impossibility now?

 

Many said I will never finish my degree

With a broken soul, you thought you broke me down

But no, I stood up and said

"I can and I will finish this one"

 

You hindered me one time

To love again, you said I was broken

Beyond Repair, unworthy of affection

But who is this wonderful man beside me?

 

Again, a task lies before me

A dream. a goal I would die for

To finish writing a book

I know you will try to get to me

 

You started already,I see you in many faces

But still, there are those who believe

That I can do it, I will do it

All I can say to you is "Doubt that I will never publish this book."

 

 

fleeting happiness and melancholy

In one's life there comes a moment
when you realize that the ONE
You have dreamed of all the time
is just beside you

It is ironic that you look so far
When the ONE who makes you happy
is just in front of you
But the second you wake up
It is now beyond reach

Beyond reach because you choose
Not being able to hold him
Is the truth
But to be with him
Even for a moment is more important
A wish that makes you return to childhood
where life is still perfect

In time you learned to love deeply
More than anything nor anyone
But you choose
Not to be reciprocated
For it destroys the essence
It gives away the magic

For in loving, one finds the answer
to countless questions
That the mind cannot provide
A reasonable phrase
Only the heart knows

We all have our fantasies
But some should stay forever
Almost all seem perfect
That the minute you possess it
It becomes an imperfection

It is inevitable that not all will be granted
But it is the wishing and dreaming
That makes life so sweet to behold
Dreams are made to keep us alive
And to have them means a bitter death