but one must be optimist rite? well, at least my top if filling up, albeit a little but enough to enable me to sport my old bra. yay! nevertheless the underwire still dig into my rib a little but whoever said that its easy to look good.

so, i am wondering, will i ever be able to jog again?. physically, i probably couldnt muster one round of taman perdana without huffing and puffing a lung outta my chest. but with all the uncertainties shrouding me rite now, all my undertakings seems indefinite, and time management even more so. im groping in the dark, trying to figure my way out with nothing but an led lite with the batteries running out. i have directions as clear as the road signs in penang and my life is as well planned as the rancangan malaysian ke-98.

have i also mentioned that i really eat a lot nowadays? i mean i have surpassed my own standard which to say as little as 5 months ago, how i normally eat now would be considered as borderline bingeing. i would like to blame the ikan masin that of late have been well stocked in the kitchen and a must feature on the dinner table (as well as lunch), but i cant be getting fat and in denial rite? dat would be a recipe to becoming like those big mommas who totally loose their figure after gettin married. no sir, hell i cant afford to be like that. i mean i do not have a figure to begin with, and worse, i aint even a momma yet!

oh, that brought me back to ground zero. being a momma... well that is among the uncertainies i am facing right now. i only did those pink pills the first month. then nothing, and i might just have to say hello to the skinny storks deliverin bundles of joy. but so far, nothing yet. other than that, i am also add that underqualified and unemployed. i really hate to think what kind of job that i will be offered, how much trouble i have to get into to accept and whether or not i have to reject it. plus, even when i finally start working, will i be able to undertake the work. to add cherry on the cake, with every passing day and with every few (if not nil) viewings of my resume on jobstreet, it seems that i am more and more unwanted by the jobmarket hence i am uncertain of when will i ever get employed. i really need the income, i have to start paying for the house and i do not want azrul paying for it on top of everything else. and since i am living with my parents rite now, it only is fair to contribute to the expences. i do not want to freeload them of my family as well, that'd be cruel. really really undignified and cruel.

oh, i was considering of continuing my degree right away too, but that is a closed case and itd hurt waaaaaayy to much to even discuss it here. that remind me, i have yet to straighten out my OUM management course out. well, at least that'd pacify me a little. only a little.

oh, its already 4.30. i have to go organize the cupboard coz ive been neglecting our wardrobe the entire time i was having my exams ( which i hope would turn out ok or else if i ever have to repeat any subjects, none of the uncertainty craps i ve been crappin about would matter and i might consider suicide. Joking! im a muslim and wouldnt want eternal damnation.) Poor azrul having to settle for wrinkly shirts and double tracked pants quite a few occasions before. oh well.

pasal apa la tu hehe

Dat is d man u shud be listenin to rather than ur ass-kissing cabinets who angguk-angguk and geleng-geleng wif u to be on ur better books. dat is the man whom u shud be consulting from, which if u did, u could have safe urself stupid decision after stupid decision.

Dat is the man who have reached out as more a father figure to the entire nation than any prime miniter malaysians have ever had. u could only settle for a cranky ol'grandpa.

Dat is the man who have looked 20 years foward and have actually reaped benefit for us, made us proud to have twin towers and klia, who kicked ass in international economic conventions, when u haf only caused us to pay more for petrol and god knows what else.

This is like the tip of the iceberg that have been lightly shaved. anyone who are more informed, could write an entire book.

all i can say is that, in ths world, to ASSUME is to bring up the ASS between U n ME.

at this point i think it is worthy to say that i am already married and living with my parents. things are not as rosy that might be painted by the four walls of this two storey bungalow because inside, or at least inside my head, everything is in a constant conflict and turmoil.

which is what we can say about our country too, actually. but never mind that. lets discuss matters closer to home- matter AT HOME.

assumption.

azrul is assuming that the family is not comfortable with his presence. everything and everyword that anyone says that might sound remotely unpleasent will be perceived in the worst possible way feeding to this idea.

abah is having a retiree complex- namely emotionally dependant, problem scrutinizing and borderline schizophrenic. everybody has a dark ulterior motives. abah is untrusting to the people close to him but sometimes is completely friendly with total strangers.

abah n i has always been the best of friends despite sometimes we feel like we totally cant stand each other. we have always been chummy but is it me or is abah is being slightly clingier these days? actually abah has been clingy ever since retiring, especially to nina but she has always has a colder heart. for me i just cant stand hurting feelings who are nothing but fond. coz actually, i am that way too.

enter azrul. he comes from a totally different genre of family. different, different, different. things are strange and wrong in this family to him. 

oh god, things are becoming fuzzy in my head again. i really dunno how to express these things i have in my head, and these heavy feelings i have in my heart. i am so confused. thank you mosquito for biting me on the legs because at least i can distinctively say that i have an itch there. otherwise i am numb.

but why is it that everytime i wanna go, there's rain la, there's mamak la...

today i dun care, i wanna go jog even if i haf to wear raincoat.

oh, but im goin kl dis evening. nevermind, i go titiwangsa instead of subang n im dragging azrul wif me. both of us need the exercise. besides, at least in titiwangsa there's no crazy ass marathoners going like human f1 and wind up toy combined.

i can see minute differences actually. so it is true when people say result is the best motivation. below are the observed;

1. increased alertness. im still a klutz, but at least no worse than before

2. increased metabolism. i eat a hell lot more than before, and mostly at night. but i dont see myself putting weight.

3. increased stamina. im still at a snails pace, but at least i can do a three 1.5km loop at one go now

so, yeah. no jogging atas katil excuse dis time, ok?

 think again.

maxis is slashing back their employees' bonus to a fraction up to a third of what it used to be. reason- the company isnt doing so well this fiscal year.

ma hai lu A.K! taik idung masin punya keling. (i am not racist by nature, but i this time, its justified)

if there are among the employees who wants to bomb subang hi-tech now, these would be the reasons why

1.as compared to the years prior to previous , profits was still less than what it was this year, and yet the bonus was still decent.

2.who's bloody idea was it to buy the indian provider? so meaning u buy it over our bonus cheques la? bijak, bijak.. balik kampung la

3. decimal bonus multiplier. unheard of right? those who fared good (performance) get 0.5 month bonus. even the sound of it is funny.

4.meaning those who performed better would be getting the same or even lesser as when they performed worse. might as well dont perform.

5. thanx for the HELP with the fuel price hike

5. over worked, under paid, no training, stupid managers. nuff sed.

actually, there would be more. i feel so tired, pisses and frustrated juz writing about this.

think Pak Lah gonna be next?

paklah, go fish urself and die.

speaking of suing, i feel apprehensive, sometimes downright offensive with this group of professional we know as liars, eh, i mean lawyers, who  among other lives off the practice of suing and giving fender-bender legal advice to people.

currently, i am enthrusted into their world due to 2 things. no.1 is my pending court hearing that has been postponed 3 times, each time forcing my intestines to get wound up, all the way to klang. the case is about the accident that i was involved in 6 blardy years ago. even the guy who's suing me is dead to cancer. the case nevertheless, still on the docket. the chinkie's family wants money- surprise, surprise. the reason that the case has been appended so many times is that the damages claimed amounts to only 30k, so shaving off a third of that is not much. why bother with ikan bilis when u can get a toman to fry?

in the corporate scene, the lawyer handling the sales and purchase for bukit jalil houz also has a big fish mindset, coz since our houz would not bring much business, they dont bother to push the paper around much for approval and such. haiyo, ho mah fan coz azrul planning to get the surplus of the home loan to finance the wedding.

i am not saying that all lawyers are like this. probably there are a lot of good ones out there, and i sure hope that i would only haf to deal with that kind in the future or none at all. at least, no more mangkuks like jim's sis and marion anthony.

guess they have overestimated the people coz in camp wardieburn, the chickens are still 'here, there and everywhere'. check out the article in nstp. its funny how they can be so ignorant when the fact is in our case, the bloody disease PROPAGATED from EXACTLY where they are. they so dont give a damn til the extend they even have chicken roaming INSIDE their houses. gila.

an afterthought- hey, isnt it really weird to let chicken go into your houz like u do ur cats and dogs. i mean, even if they are ur pets, they tend to step on crap and shit and then bring it into ur houz. u haf to give it to their 4-legged counterparts to be smarter and more hygenic. cats can even groom themselves, so there.

i do not want to be racist, but *munkies (malay **chinkies) are like dat. they rarely give a damn, and when bad things happen, all they can say is "itu takdir tuhan, berserah saja lah". whadda fish?? u could prevent it form happening in the first place, and im pretty sure god doesnt want u to sit around and do nothing in the face of adversity. in fact, i really think that what they do (or DONT do) constitute to crime, coz they actually contribute to the epidemic that will eventually harm and kill people.

btw, i juz read the news saying dat another 2 has been admitted to HKL, suspected of having contracted the disease. the previous 4 out of 7 have been released coz they tested negative. but no comment (by the health ministry) has been made about the remaining 3. we are left to our imagination on whatever is actually happening to them, coz the day the government gonna admit that those people got bird flu is when someone dies of it. bit too late then, isnt it?

so sayang, that's it. no more kfc or masak ayam kak ina for us, k? (not that we can afford it at the time being anyway, so it's all good for us)

                                                   * munkies - malays

                                                    ** chinkies - chinese

blakang, tgk muka sama ja. ada la sekor dua muka baru tapi yg hampeh je la. i mean, khairi? jadik family biznes ka? even dr.m STRONGLY DISCOURAGED his sons from invloving in such a blatant and outright manner in the nation's politics.

so, in the end, he pushed people here and there, somewhat like arranging the furnitures in you living room. pi mai pi mai tang tu. n sum who couldnt stomach the absurdity of it all, dropped thier pose,( tho they may say sumthin else to the press) hey, who r u kidding la?

one silver lining dat i am hoping for at least, is dat with  the departure of kadir sheikh fadir, our former bow-tied information minister, MITV will start sooner so we can all be rid of our blardy astro dat balrdy repeats everything.

otherwise,  we can't expect much from the pak tani-state-of-mind cabinet. i cant agree more when people say pak lah is digressing on important matters of the country. i mean, c'mon la, even pak ungku ardi told u to unpeg the riggit earlier, didnt he? but what are u focusing on now insted? blardy agriculture.

nway, altho not quite nst worthy, juz now ada satu benda jadi in front of my own blardy eyes dats even freakier, and made me think - dunia ni nak kiamat dah ke?

i was walking near guardian 15 when i heard a load kerfuffle- anjing2 menyalak so weirdly. pelik gak coz area tu mana ada anjing and why la bunyi semacam ja..

 then tgk2 4 male dogs with all thier things toinked up chasing and blardy humping one single bitch. i mean they were practically biting each others head of to get a go with dat one solitary and not so voluntary female dog. people around dat area actually stopped and stared at the sight, coz its so damn freaky. i mean, has anybody seen dat happening before, at such a near vicinity of traffic and human being? gila.

it was downright disturbing. almost the entire crowd sported a horror-stricken face  as they dispersed. even this group of chinese college guys. from the look of it, i think the thing must be a bad omen or sumthin to their superstition. come to think of it, ha ah la.. dis year kan the year of the dog...

whateva la. it doesnt mean nthin to me other than sumtimes, freaky stuffs happens. so no point being gelabah n sacred shitless. kunfayakun. if it is meant to happen, it juz bloody will.

aiyoh, juz got off the phone wif my mom. what is her problem. i mean it is unheard of dat the PARENTS of the marrying couple lak yang pegi pejabat agama nak daftar n book for a date. she's bloody gelabah-ing herself la. i feel so geram, i ask her to do as she likes. then, she call me sombong and hang up.

fuck la.

i have no mood nmore. she LLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS

making me miserable like this.

(whether she realize it or not)

ni aphal lak minah sebelah ni dok pandang2 ja. haa.. ni yg buat angin satu badan ni. sound kang sia sia ja.

in fact, a tree big as ass fell  on a lamp post and  then both fell on a passing car in front of the library. there was fire brigade, ambulance.. the whole work. scary. it was like demon howling masa tgh ribut tuh. then kilat tak habis2 berdentum2. kuat gila. i couldve had a heart arrest for everytime the lightning stikes. sumer lak menyambar so near to our building. macam tau2 ja byk setan kat dalam.. hehe..

so, dat means, since monday, i havent jogged at all for this week. in fact, i havent been jogging much on weekdays dah. esp. when my mom lately allergic gila about me jogging. tah hape tah she so worried about. doesnt she realize that what i do is hardly a workout pun. i mean, hari tu while i was going round the apartment block, a pakcik tua overtook me, and overjogged me. when i stopped at my third measly round, he was still goin on strong. god, i am so unfit, i hate myself.

one of my biggest dream now is to be able to jog at least 5km effortlessly. will i  ever achive it? ntah la. i guess the adage 'for one step foward u take, there's ten things holding you back' holds true.

 MISS SHANTY PONNUDORAY.

the other tormented soul to be facing her wrath is irene. no kidding, she cried right there in the eng.office. for real, tears and snot, no bars hold. poor kid, little did she care that shanty was right next door and couldve heard her bawling out not wanting her as a super.  

i guess, i am still quite relatively calm about it. i mean, its a drawn lot, and i am somehow just meant to get her. i've done the whole bismillah 44 kali and prayed for the best. i guess, incomprehensibly, this is the best for me. there must be a silver lining sumwhere behind this sumwhat tainted fate. maybe it will unravel due course, or otherwise, only god can explain.

but why sayang, have u been nothing but sweetness to me?

to date, you are facing a scrimp for cash,and u are overloaded with work. u just got back frm shuttling between pahang, kelantan and terengganu, but off u went to johor with nothing but the clothes on your back, for TWO DAYS right after. then there's your bosses and superiors who are more often than not a bunch of clowns trying to turn you into a black sheep. in fact the whole bloody maxis is a huge circus.

i really dont know what else to say than that i love you very much and i am grateful that you are right here with me despite all you are facing, through the hardest points and uncertainties in my life.

when it rains, it pours. juz when things r already fished up, we HAVE to be short of cash NOW.

It could be said that misery "...is not created nor destroyed, merely transformed". - The Law of Conservation of Misery

im still too distraught to write more.

it's a fucked up monday.

even so, lemme say that there r time that were quite filled, i lost one day coz by wednesday, i thought it was still tuesday.  

other than that, by then, i have also manage to get myslef a flu bug that was quite bad, but even so, never did it thwarted my outing with azrul, his dad n my parents. we went to nilai 3 to window shop n check out what the hype was all about that place. it was bloody hot, the shops r not all that, and it was also super awkward having to fold in the whole household into azrul's accord (did i mention dat i felt like throwing up the whole way).

 needless to say , it was one of the best days of my life. i slept that nite, exhauseted, tired, but beaming with the progress of the unification of our two families.

fish, i need to ciao. stupid mpsj might just tow my gandalf away. 

chek, even tho mmg la those buggers wanna suck up to u, dun la put urself so low. u haf, after all busted, busting and will likely have to continue to bust your ass summore for another year for maxis, kan?

In this light, it was good that we are not living together yet, coz if we were, I might have been so mad, I would have torn u all up (and pushing you onto the bed.) no la, joking only. But really, I was dead worried. However, I was surprised at myself coz I didn’t instantaneously think of hanky-panky thoughts. And being the untrusting person that I am- that’s quite an achievement. I guess, what I’m trying to say is that I have reached that level in relationship that the sayang has overpowered the doubts, however reasonable they might be.

Btw, how was the meehoon your dad made for you. Then again, why bother asking. Your dad is an AMAZING cook. I better buck my culinary skills up.

Whatever la, I tried what I can to stop this madness, but if my warnings orang buat dunno ja, what more could I do, rite?

So yeah, I’ll probably rush back to the office after showing the way coz I’m definitely not coming to the office tomorrow, so might as well get some work done today. (prepare to get another 3- 11 pieces of land acquisition plans ready to deliver to JPS)

Btw, I have this nagging urge to cover Gandalf up when I park. Maybe disguise the plate number a bit or cover the whole thing with something. Anything. Daun pisang from depan rumah orang pun orait la.  MPSJ might just tow it away or lock it’s tyre up, not to be released until I settle the summons. Worse still, until I turn up for court! God, I’m living in fear.

I’m really quite bloody early today. I arrived at the office like 5 minutes ago and now its 7.15am. Called my sayang and he’s still in bed, just about to get up. I’m so jealous! I wanna be in bed with him!! Hell, I know I am sleepy enough to go right back membuta. Yawwwnnn


However, I’ll probably couldn’t catch my 20 winks anyway. There are quite a few stuffs buggin me at the mo. First, is my summons that I never paid and would cost a court order if I don’t choke up. (honestly, I think I’m already in deep shit coz the due date has waaaayyy past) and I don’t have 80bucks!! Hope my sayang will help me out on this one should I’m not getting my allowance soon enough from my boss.

And then, there’s my car, whose tyres are already botak, so is it’s timing belt. I honestly think that they all can last for at least another month till my dad can give me cash, but noooooo
 he HAS to ask me to bring them to bloody MING %@*#!!!! Sure kena mark up kaw kaw coz it’s Chinese new year time. Haiyoooo
 here we go again..

(by now, it seems that my problem seems to be revolving around my Gandalf, isn’t it?)

On top of that, there my court hearing, because of my case on yet again, CAR accident, 6 YEARS AGO. Its gonna be this Wednesday, and I cant lie saying I’m not worried about it. Although this is the third postponement, it doesn’t make me any less jittery walking into the courtroom. Btw, the bloody lawyer hasn’t bothered to call me up like his secretary promised 3 times before. Fuck them lawyers. All they know is to pin the blame on me should I never turn up even though its them who didn’t inform me. I had to find all this myself even though they’re the one who gets paid doing so. Bloody leeches. Bloddy fucking leeches.

Coincidentally, there’s my RC test on, yup, WEDNESDAY also. Damn. I don’t wanna take a re-test coz knowing Wong Kee Lau , he’s gonna set a bloody tough one. Then, there’s the problem of not having any written proof of my court hearing on that particular date (TFL didn’t even send me a letter like they did the first two times before even!) so yeah, that a hard stick-in-the-mud to convince. Maybe I’m gonna ask ms. Sharon to help me up on this one.

oh, yeah btw, I think I lost my telekong that I left at the office surau. Bloody hell, itu pun nak curi ka? Bloody indon cleaners, they all should rot and die wif all the bloody TFL.

Ok la, I think that’s enough melancholy to last me the day. Oh, btw TFL stands for ‘Them-Fucking-Lawyers’.

p/s:       Sayang, come la cepat pick me up. Hopefully you’re in a good mood, and you’re gonna hug (or maybe salam)   me with your chumel grin, and everything will feel better.

in the light of food, needless to say kitorang dah berjaya menternakkan badan wif all kinds of food, from McD to wan tan mee, from nasi lemak to capati. to further visualize what big food lovers we are, enclosed a summary of our meals for the past 3 days;

wednesday:             

 lunch- KFC snack plate n fish burger (not as big as claimed to be)      

dinner- hmm..dah lupa lak

thursday:                 

lunch- nasi kandaq         

dinner - pizza hut meal (i broke my kain baju kurung fastener due immediate waistline expansion)

friday: 

lunch - mee kari n cucuq udang (wif d best coffee in klang valley) @ village cafe          

dinner- bbq ranch burger n totsada chips @ Chili's

whatever pun, we have clearly overrun our 2000kcal per day allocation. but the thing dat make me so 'hangat hati' is dat azrul is losing weight instead of gaining. i should know.. i ve spent time wif him DAT MUCH to find out.. ;) sayang! i pun nal gak sendayu thingy tu!!

i wanna go check out n upload a pic now.

oh, btw, its new year now (21 days late, but still wat the heck). so my resolution this year, is NOT to have a resolution. they're jinxes anyway.

and this morning, i missed out on my jog. haiyo.. i dun wanna break the routine coz i hate it when i loose momentum. when that happens, i have tendency to keep on missing and being soft on myself.

however, why is it that the people at home (except nina) couldnt understand that the reason im jogging is not only 2 loose weight? its also for my fitness so i can take up karate again, thus get my black belt (just one bloody grading till im done so i can put sumthing for my extra curricular in my cv!!). and not to mention how i am bloody worried that im gonna turn out kengkang like mami minah or having to pray sitting like mummy  coz of my bloody athritis genes. scary!

anyway, azrul told me not to become anymore kurus. so, u can bet i wont (waist up, at least. im flat chested enough, thank you) coz i want my sayang to enjoy hugging me and not feel any bones poking when doing so.

azrul: not that i sont want to hug u but i malu le..

alamak, gotta go pick my sayang up.

Heck, me saying that has already insinuated something, right? Heheheh... Sayang, if u feel that this entry would be too risky, just delete it out, ok? If not, just write in a comment and I would gladly go on..

azrul: this blog org lain can view ka? hope not..btw,u can carry on telling me if u want to hehe

ill be careful to miss out the x-rated or even r-rated stuffs, ok?

Now, I have no internet connection whatsoever at home, and I dare-bloody-not use the net in this bloody office just in case my boss walks in and have some bad impression on me. God, this sucks big time. I even have to pre-write this on Words and upload it when I log on the blog, whenever that might be. To further punish me, my OUM discussion marks is also suffering. I’d probably get nil, which I deserve coz I’ve only popped my head in less than 5 times in the forum.

I feel so bitter now. Cant wait for lunch so I can see my sayang, and he would hug me, and hopefully forgive me for telling him that I was ‘moving away’ that time.

life sucks

but inti memang mangkuk!!! bloody server wouldnt even let me download ebrary reader from OUM site. wat so wrong about dat? sudah la library inti ni memang tak banyak buku, then nak gi online library pun tak bleh plak ka? dengki.

skool really sucks for me now. even for OUM even that's usually where i feel belong- wif the non-achievers (no offense). cant wait to grad n get out n do sumthing more meaningful in my life.

tu la makan byk babi sgt, kan dah jadi sebal.

when i say jogging, please bear in mind dat i mean lari2 anak at snail pace. do the math- only 2 km in about 30 mins.

whatever. the thing is, at first i never thought i could jog. i mean throughout my skooling days, im convinced dat im too tubby to jog. i would be pancit within the first quarter of larian lebuhraya. now, i have gained so much weight, but suddenly, i can jog! i started really slow earlier this year, babying my fat legs with only a coupla rounds around the padang every other few days. although it isnt much of an improvement now, but i can honestly say dat im getting the hang of it.

i cant wait for azrul to get a bike so we can cycle 2gether :)

bwek

i wrecked my brain last nite thinking of how things are gonna turn out for me. i cant do much about my future career right now but to study hard, work hard, etc,etc.. but im afraid, im doing plenty to sabotage my family. my future family.

my selfishness has taken the better part of me. juz when my sayang was being the nicest person ever. its so unfair, i can juz strangle myself.

the more i think, the more apparent it becomes to me what a stupid idiot i was. i mean, what happen to prioritizing as how i would sometime preach? damn, cakap tak serupa bikin..

its like kos lepas, to get something you have to let go of something else to get the max utiliti (or something like that). the point is, its worth to let go of menial things in life for the sake other that matters more.

another funny thing- hujan panas. u can see the sun, but then it rains. and sometimes, it doesnt just rain, it pours. kan sayang?

i better stop b4 i mengarut even more. my overwhelming, simultaneous love and guilt for my sayang is turning my mind to mush.

my sayang, im sick wif shame, guilt and regret, as ur sick of hearing me apologizing. i love you sayang, n i never meant to put you thru all this.

MTB ni ada org nak jual for RM800..Gary Fisher Paragon..sama ke dgn Paragon Indon tu?

nak beli ke tak??

TBC

i need to title la!

bad day!

Sampai office dah boring balik tak tau apa nak buat..Si Mamat depan ni buat2 bagus lagi tegur pun macam nak tak nak...Bole blah la !!!

Bosan!

being fat sucks!

Day dreamer

I need to change!!! Especially after looking my old gud friend change alot and even became an athete somemore..Arghhh..

Read Newspaper today..my BMI calculated today 9 Nov 2005 80kg ( i assumed)/1.78*1.78 = 25.24.Chek,i'm overweight by 0.35.Pls help me!!!

Chek,whats urs BMI? Hehe

No Pain No Gain!!

After this no more Mr Nice Guy to help other people's problem.

I hate being an engineer!!

Azrul:

Thanks to my beloved Farah for attemping to create our own blog here.Luv u so much.

failing to plan, is planning to fail

-tried, tested and proven wrong.