THANKS go out to the ever wonderful, super loving and utterly FANTASTIC Darcy!!!

For giving us a place to stay and live for 4 LONG months, you are LOVED! For just being YOU, you are LOVED! For loving US you are LOVED! Face it, woman, you are very much LOVED!!!  LOLOL!

Luc and I are alive and well and back living in Connecticut now, after 4 months living in "exile" (as in, far away from friends and loved ones, NOY as in a bad place to be!!!) and life is going smoothly.  Kevin is, bit by bit, getting our stuff outta storage.  That makes Luc happy as, one by one, his "stuff" is uncovered and returned to him for his playing pleasure.  I'm happy to be getting my clothes, books, etc. back bit by bit, too.  LOLOL!

Our room is rather huge, so it's fitting all of our NEEDED furniture (beds, dressers, entertainment set up, etc.) and all I'm gonna need that I don't already HAVE is a small desk of some sort.  Won't need it until my computer and I get "reunited", but am hoping that'll be real soon as I kinda sorta NEED to work somewhat...  and there are SO many updates to sites in the past week and change that I need to get my hands on and start "playing" with, ya know?  Planning on a smallish desk with wheels on it (conservation of space IN the room, make sense?) of the type one can find at Kiea or WalMart or, um, wherever...  LOL!

Already talked (alot) to David and got it ALL set for working for him at NYRF.  Luc and I can ride down with Carlene on Friday nights and, since we're camping, it's all good, ya know?  So, we'll camp Fri and Sat night and then all head on back on Sun nights to return to our regularly scheduled lives.

Kevin's being, um, what I think should be referred to as "Guilty Nice".  VERY much willing to concede stuff to me that we BOTH want, overly helpful and friendly, etc.  Dunno if it's because, somewhere in the back of his brain he KNOWS just how badly he F'ED up or what, but that's what it FEELS like to me at any rate.  He's off living "happily ever after" with Lee.  Wondering how long it's gonna be before he FINALLY wakes up to his new reality and realizes just HOW much of a dumbass he's been.  I mean, he COULD, conceivable, remain willfully blind for eternity OR, one day he could wake up and see someone for what they REALLY are and has a REALLY rude awakening.  Personally, I'm not currently real sure for which of those outcomes I'm rooting.  Either way HE loses, IMHO...  but then, that COULD be just me, too...  *sigh*

Well, all for now, just wanted to touch bases and let peoples know where I am and what's up while Carlene's at work and I can borrow her computer to do so...  LOL!

Bitching and moaning...  just like I can't seem to stop crying...  every time I stop and let myself think about the phone call last night I get a flash-vision or something SO good and wonderful from the past 10 years that I start crying all over again...

I thought the "poem" I wrote would help exorcise some of the Sorrow Deamons which seem to have taken hold of my soul, but apparently I was mistaken.  Instead, all it did was remind me of yet MORE good times that Kevin and I have shared over the hears.  Gods, I can still actually FEEL him holding my hand the day Luc was born...  and SO many other moments which he is willing to just throw the hell away, as if it - WE! - were NOTHING.  I can't stop thinking...  and every time I let myself think I start to cry and it's tearing me apart because if Luc sees me like this he won't know what to think or feel or do.  The one day he DID see me in tears it just about tore him up, hugging and cuddling me and trying to wipe my tears away...  it broke my heart.

There's a huge gaping hole where my heart was, and I can feel the wound bleeding more each minute...  and the WORST part is KEVIN is the one mad at ME...  and I'm the one with more reason to be mad at HIM in every way and on every level!  Right now I just want to find a quiet corner and cry an ocean of tears until I just can't feel ANYTHING any more, if only for just a little while.  I can't...  Luc needs me to be strong and cheerful and constantly remind him that his daddy really DOES still love him, and soon everything will ALL be better...  even if I feel it's an outright lie.  It's NEVER going to be better because Kevin doesn't WANT it to be.

HE'S hurt and angry, when WE'RE the ones going through hell.  HE'S tired and numb and just doesn't even WANT to try, when I'm the one who has ever freaking RIGHT to just pack Luc up and LEAVE him to his own life where he wouldn't have to concern ourselves with our petty little problems (like, um, food, shelter and the basic necessities of life, ya know?).

And the REAL corker was the ending of the phone call, when he said that he hadn't wanted to discuss any of this over the phone because now he "feels like a real asshole".  News flash, Kevin...  maybe you FEEL like an ASSHOLE because you are BEING and ASSHOLE!  Oh, wait...  can't have that because then YOU would have to take some RESPONSIBILITY for this whole fiasco and might even have to ADMIT that the hell our lives have become are more YOUR FAULT than any one else's!!!

Yes, I admit that I stopped talking to you about anything serious (etc) over the past 2 years.  Maybe because every time I'd join you on the couch you'd tell me how tired you were, or how busy still waiting for dealers to call, or how much you hurt...  and how much you just wanted to relax.  So answer this, genius...  HOW, then, am I supposed to talk to you?  WHEN???  You "hurt too much" for cuddling, were "too tired" to talk, and then you just "HAD to take this call to close a deal"...  but of COURSE it's all MY fault for not finding/making the time to let you know just HOW important this all was to me, right?

And that was AFTER Lee moved out.  BEFORE she moved out you'd come home, say hello, ask what there was to eat and then go directly down to spend time with HER in the basement where - shock of shocks! - I would go down and see you cuddling/snuggling or hear you talking and laughing.  Do you have any IDEA how much it FUCKING HURTS to feel like you're the outsider in your OWN family???  Like you're NOTHING more than a nanny for your own kid and a maid for your own husband?  Oh, but of COURSE it's all MY fault, right?  Because I didn't come down and tell you how I felt about it, and let you KNOW that every DAY you were tearing yet another piece of my heart out?

Well, congratulations...  you have succeeded in your goal of making me feel worthless and pathetic.  You have done what NO man has been able to do to me, EVER...  you have actually and truly broken my heart in any and every way you could AND gone a good way along breaking my spirit too.

I pray to all the Gods and Goddesses that ever were and ever will be that, one day, you look around you and realize that the things that SHOULD have been the most important to you - your wife and son, your FAMILY - are lost to you through your own actions and your stubborn refusal to wake up the the FACTS.

FACT : Since you have "joined the Kirby team" you have gradually changed EVERY facet of your personalit, turning into nothing more than a cheap living sales pitch

FACT : You haven't had any time for your family in two years EXCEPT for the Kirby Lake George weekend trip, and I can't REMEMBER the last time we had anything more than a quick screw.

FACT : Your son doesn't WANT to talk to you, believes you hate him and sent him away and is turning into an emotional and psychologial WRECK but since you aren't there to actually SEE it you can "know it" but remove yourself from the repercussions of your own actions.  YOU are the living embodiment of Harry Chapin's "Cats in the Cradle"

FACT : I'm fucking TIRED, and even after almost TWO YEARS of hurt, feeling rejected and neglected I am STILL the one who is willing to TRY...  while you want nothing more than to throw everything we've had and been to each other away like yesterdays trash.

Another Slice of the Knife

A smile flashing, eyes smiling as I lace you into boots
making sure they fit just right as we flirt and laugh...

SLASH

Hanging out behind the booth for a cigarette and
flirting and laughing, bursting with happiness...

SLASH

Giggling at IHOP, chattering away about everything
as we play under the table, hot and heavy...

SLASH

The teeny apartment in Pawling, laughing over too many people
and cats in such a small place and loving it anyway

SLASH

Time stolen to be together in the Jeep and the very high
probability we gave at least a few trucker an eyeful...

SLASH

Comforting each other through heartaches and
laughing through our tears for we still have each other...

SLASH

Long phone calls and talks through the night sharing
secrets and hopes and dreams and fears with each other...

SLASH

Finally having each other and loving life because we
DO have each other no matter what and life is good...

SLASH

Asking me to marry you and my tearful laughter as I
let you convince me to even though I had sworn never again...

SLASH

Finding myself pregnant and not being anything except
ecstatically happy because it's OURS and life is good...

SLASH

Rushing to the hospital, fear and dread knotting my stomach
and then holding our son for the few hours he lived...

SLASH

Holding, loving and comforting each other after our son was
lost to us, forever, but knowing through it all we had each other...

SLASH

Finding myself pregnant again, too soon, and being scared and
hopeful and knowing that together we can get through anything...

SLASH

You, holding my hand as they cut me open and Luc is born and
then laughing at how elastic my insides are they they tie my tubes...

SLASH

Holding Luc and crying and laughing and feeling like we
own the world and being amazed at how perfect he is...

SLASH

Watching Luc grow and seeing you every time I look in his laughing
eyes while watching you toss him around like a football...

SLASH

Walking down to the bar so Luc can visit while you're working
and sharing the laughter as he runs around and looks in the mirrors...

SLASH

Eight years of love and laughter, shared tears and fears, and having
a life we built together brick by brick through everything...

SLASH

Moment by moment stolen away as your work consumes you
more and more, leaving no TIME for laughter and play and love...

SLASH

Watching our son becoming more lost as day by day Daddy
has less and less time for him and he's grateful for every crumb...

SLASH

DAYS without food, as we have no money or you have no time
or whatever the reason is and I'd rather do without than see Luc hungry...

SLASH

Wondering which utility will be cut THIS month because there's no money
for the rent or the bills or the food while you keep working...

SLASH

Losing our home and our life together as Luc and I are sent away
because we have no-where to go other than a friends or a shelter...

SLASH

Watching as, day by day, Luc becomes more torn and lost because
no matter WHAT I tell him every day he still feels Daddy got rid of us...

SLASH

Comforting him through night after night of nightmares and days of
whining brattiness and having him say "I don't wanna call Daddy"...

SLASH

Trying not to cry as I watch a happy, healthy and well adjusted
child become torn up inside and try to minimize the damage however I can...

SLASH

Telling you the truth about how I feel and being told that I've made
YOU so angry and hurt by it that you don't WANT to try and make it...

SLASH

Two years of a gradual descent into hell,Every day another slice of the knife
Cutting my heart to pieces until now I feel there is nothing left because while
I don't want to throw away our life together, YOU do because in all
of this, YOU are hurt and angry But I am the one whose heart lies
in bloody gobbetts on the ground at your feet to be stepped on or
over and I'm the one who has to smilethrough yet ANOTHER hellish
day so our son can, for a few days more, retain whatever he can of his
childhood innocence and laughter...  even though he's lost his blind faith
and unwavering trust and you have thrown away your status as GOD
in his heart and mind...

SLASH

Here's a wee little fact of life as I now know it.  When someone tells you they want basically blind faith and total support when they are doing something that you don't LIKE or WANT them to do and, out of LOVE you GIVE it to them...  NEVER let them find out how much you really HATE it because THEN you're screwed for LYING to them!!!

Apparently, my finally telling Kevin the truth of how I feel about the past almost 2 years of him working for the "Cult of Kirby" is quite likely the death knell of our relationship.  OMG it REALLY pissed him off to find out how much I hate Kirby.  He doesn't understand how I can feel that Luc and I are second in his life to a freaking vacuum cleaner.  He doesn't get that it's not the VACUUM that I object to, but that his NEED to prove everyone wrong by succeeding at his job WITH Kirby while we're freaking HOMELESS is what I truly object to.  The fact that it is more important to prove he can BE A SUCCESS and not "jump around from job to job" but instead stick it out with them no matter HOW it affects him (his personality has almost COMPLETELY changed in the past couple of years), Luc (who has turned from a happy, loving, mostly well adjusted child into a whining crying nightmare-ridden little boy) and myself (who has had to watch BOTH of their metamorphosis while trying to keep my OWN sanity somewhat in tact because THEY both needed me to "be there" and "be strong" for THEM while there has been pretty much nobody to be there for ME)!

So...  he called tonight and decided that we "needed to talk" which, needless to say, did NOT go well.  He is determined to have us "back home" and IN a home within "a few weeks" (yeah, um, and I'll believe THAT when I see it!) but after that he doesn't know if he even wants to TRY to salvage our relationship.  He says he still loves me, but doesn't know if he could continue on in a relationship with me.  He thinks I'm completely broken up over all of this (I am, as I feel he's ripped what little is left of my heart out and stomped on it) but more than that I'm majorly PISSED at him...  and the fact that he can't seem to understand this ticks me off even MORE.

I'm too pissed to keep writing now, so I'll see if I can make more sense of this tomorrow when I'm (hopefully) a wee bit calmer...

Welcome to the Kirby TEAM, where if you just remain POSITIVE, your golden dreams are right around the corner!!!

To start you off RIGHT, and let you know JUST what you are in for, please remember that when you applied for the job here, you most likely followed a MISLEADING ad in the paper!  But don't worry, we're a TOTALLY honest company, we swear!

IF you make 15 appointments a week and bring back a bazillion referrals from EVERY appointment, we'll even PAY you for your first two weeks of training somewhere around $400 per week!  Of course, our ESTABLISHED sales people DO get appointments first and then IF there are enough left over you MIGHT even get 15 of them!  Oh and I'm SO sorry, but you didn't bring back ENOUGH referrals, so we can't pay you THIS week...  but remember, STAY POSITIVE because your BIG BREAK could be just NEXT WEEK!

CONGRATULATIONS!  You've made your FIRST SALE!!!  Of course, it's a "low ball" sale, so you're only getting $100 and, since training is salary OR commission that's ALL you're getting...  but it's a START on your way to the BIG BREAK which could be as soon as NEXT WEEK!

I know, you've had two weeks without a SINGLE sale, but don't WORRY!  I know you'll find gas money SOMEHOW to make next week's appointments, because your BIG BREAK is right around the corner, if you just STAY POSITIVE!

WOW!  You've had an AMAZING week!  5 sales and only ONE fell through!  Here ya go, have about $1000!  See?  Just keep it up and ALL your DREAMS will come true!

What?  You say you miss spending time with your family?  They don't really LIKE you working 70-80 hours a week?  Weekends and holidays?  Well, just STAY POSITIVE because they'll LOVE it when the BIG BUCKS start rolling in!  THEN you'll have PLENTY of time to spend with them!

HUH???  Your wife and son are sick?  Well sorry, you KNOW you don't have medical insurance OR sick days, so what are WE supposed to do about it?  What???  Um, sorry you haven't made enough sales to have ANY money to pay for a doctor but remember, STAY POSITIVE, because you'll do better NEXT WEEK!

What?  You say your wife has lost so much weight because she doesn't eat to make sure there's enough for your son to eat she's down 4 dress sizes?  Cheer up!  Remind her that, when you DO make it big that's the PERFECT excuse to get a whole new wardrobe!  Just remember to STAY POSITIVE and you'll make it BIG in no time!

You say your son barely recognizes you any more and your wife has forgotten what it's like to talk with you and snuggle and such?  Well then, you just REMIND her that you're doing ALL THIS so you can MAKE IT BIG and give them a BETTER LIFE!  Remind her that they have to BE POSITIVE for you, so that you can concentrate on making those sales!  I just KNOW your BIG BREAK is coming if you just BELIEVE and WORK HARD!

Huh?  Your utilities have been cut off, your car repossessed, and your landlord is evicting you because you haven't been able to pay rent in three months???  Don't worry!  All it'll take is a bit MORE time and effort and I just KNOW that you'll make it BIG in NO TIME at all!  Remember to BE POSITIVE and everything will be FINE!

Oh, don't WORRY!  I know you haven't been making sales but we're a business that's NOT affected by the economy!  Even when people are worried about losing their homes, putting food on their table and gas in their cars they're MORE than happy to drop $1000 to $2000 on a vacuum cleaner as WONDERFUL as they Kirby!  You're just having a bad run of luck is all!  Don't worry it will ALL be better NEXT WEEK

Wow!  You mean you LOST your home and your wife and son got sent clear across the country to live with some friends who could put them up because their ONLY other option was a shelter?  How truly AWFUL for you!  You must miss those 3 or 4 hours you spend with them DREADFULLY!  But CHEER UP and STAY POSITIVE, because you'll be making the BIG BUCKS any day now and then you can bring them home and all live happily ever after!

You just have to BE POSITIVE and BELIEVE...

Yeah, right...  I believe in FAERIES more than I believe the Cult of Kirby propaganda!

Well, here we are...  still in Chicago with the ever wonderful Darcy (and Doug and the rest of her household)...  still hanging in there and hoping...

It seems that for every "good" week Kevin has, financially speaking, he has another 2 bad ones to keep him set back.  He has accomplished a few "goals"...  He FINALLY got an eye exam and new glasses (he's only NEEDED them for about 6 years now)...  He got a "beater" car, his license cleared up and insurance...  But he's nowhere NEAR the MAIN goal of enough finances to get us a place to live and bring us home.  He's, oh, about $3800 shy of his $4000 goal (enough to pay first/last/security and have another month or so put aside in advance).

Luc misses his daddy like mad, even though we talk to him every chance we get on the phone.  I've even helped to usher in the apocalypse by getting a little "pay as ya go" kinda cellphone (and for those who know me that's a HUGE thing...  LOL!).  As long as every month I can at LEAST make the $30 or so to KEEP the phone up and running and have plenty of minutes for Luc to talk to Kevin I feel kinda okay-ish (for what I pay I get 200 anytime and 500 night/weekend minutes),

I'd like to get enough money together to get Luc a few "wishlist" items from Amazon...  now he has a V-Smile pocket (learning game system) I'd LOVE to be able to get him a few more games (he only has 2).  I'd also love to get him a few more book/cartridges for the Leap Pad+Writing he has here.  I just want to keep him as calm and happy as I can during this whole thing.  I want him to remember this as a "fun vacation" even without his daddy, instead of a nightmarish exile, ya know?

Anyway, he's finally asleep, so I guess I can go chill for a bit.  I'd go read in the living room, but there's kidlets asleep out there on the couch...  *sigh*

OK, dunno why that quote is running through my brain right now.  It's not like I'm afraid of clowns or anything (although I do have a few friends who ARE!) but there ya have it...

It's pretty freaking late and I'm beat to all hell and just can NOT, for the life of me, get to sleep.  Not sure why.  For ONCE I'm barely coughing (took enough drugs to ensure that), am VERY tired and sleepy, and my mind isn't even doing the racing in circles thing.  But, for whatever gods bedamned reason, I just can't seem to shut myself down for the night.

Luc, however, is actually sleeping peacefully, for once.  He's been having "bad nights" lately, and I'm guessing it's because he misses his Daddy.  I'm missing Kevin lots, too.  *sigh*

Ah, well, back to the warm mostly comfy (well, it IS a twin sized) bed and HOPEFULLY to sleep...  gotta at least keep TRYING...  LOL!

So today I'm semi happy-ish, if tired and still mostly sick (getting better though, FINALLY!).

Kevin called to wish us a happy V-day and we chatted for more than 5 minutes (for once).  He even called early enough to talk to Luc witc actually thrilled da boy even though ya couldn't tell at the time.  Much as I miss Kevin, Luc misses him more.

The "story" for him is that we're lucky and get to take a nice long vacation to visit "Aunt Darcy" and her family...  "poor daddy" however has to WORK (*yuck*) and doesn't get to come with us...  at which we laugh at daddy's "bad luck".

He's actually holding up pretty well, all things considered.  Life here is VERY different and a LOT more chaotic than we're used to (so many people, so little space - as opposed to mostly him and me through the day and daddy late at night and in the mornings before work).  Today was one of those days, however, where the kids were going a bit bonkers and everyone was getting on everyone else's last nerve.  I took out my agitation on the food cabinets and cleaned up and cleared out stuff, re-arranged them, etc.  Gods my back is freaking KILLING me!  Steep stairs and LOTS of canned goods do NOT mix well, just in case you're wondering.  However, for ONCE my luck held and I didn't fall either up OR down the stairs (been know to happen on BOTH counts before!) so I guess I'm pretty happy about it, overall. Tomorrow, if my back is feeling more like a back and less like a punching bag I think I'll tackle the laundry build-up...  if not I'll do it the day after.  *grin*

Darcy's grandmother is still in the hospital and tons of tests are being done.  That's pretty much ALL I know about that at the moment.  Darcy is holding up well, and I'm just glad that our "vacation" coincided with this so I can actually feel USEFUL instead of like some totally pathetic charity case.

*hugs* to all and have a happy whatever ya wanna have!  *grin*

On the plus side of life, Luc's fever FINALLY broke last night, and he's doing much better today.  Yay!

Mine broke the night before that.  Now if only we could stop sniffling (gods does my nose hurt from blowing it!  LOL!) life would definitely be looking better!  LOLOL!

Talked to Kev the other night and things are proceeding well on his end of things, which is another bonus.  He promises a bit in the bank to me and a care package in the mail.

Darcy's been spending some time in the hospital.  Her Grandmother went into the ER the other night and she's (Darcy) been there with her ever since.  The kids are mostly kinda sorta behaving for me, which is good.  I'm SO not used to so many kiddies or so much chaos, but we all seem to be handling it and adjusting to each other well enough...  so far at least!  LOLOL!

*hugs*

Well hello all!  Finally getting a chance to let you (whoever you may be!  LOL!) know Luc and I are alive and kinda well-ish here in Chicago.  Darcy and Doug were nice enough to give us a temporary home while Kevin works his BUTT off to get us all back together and all that jazz back in Ct.

Of course, after the airline screwed us up and over getting IN to Chicago (snow and runways do NOT mix!) they then made us wait even LONGER to get our luggage too...  which was ALL damp from sitting about after unloading the plane.  Yes, after 2 days at home doing 18 FREAKING loads of laundry so we wouldn't pack up anything dirty for storage I then had to spend ANOTHER day doing 4 MORE loads here...  all of clothes I had JUST washed 2 days before!!!  ARGH!!!

Oh, and of COURSE it's been either snow, rain or sleet since we've been here so NOW Luc and I are both sick to top things all off...  can't win fer losing, eh???

But other than that things are going well...  better than I feared and it ain't a shelter!  WooHoo!  LOLOL!

*hugs* to all reading this!