For giving us a place to stay and live for 4 LONG months, you are LOVED! For just being YOU, you are LOVED! For loving US you are LOVED! Face it, woman, you are very much LOVED!!!  LOLOL!

Luc and I are alive and well and back living in Connecticut now, after 4 months living in "exile" (as in, far away from friends and loved ones, NOY as in a bad place to be!!!) and life is going smoothly.  Kevin is, bit by bit, getting our stuff outta storage.  That makes Luc happy as, one by one, his "stuff" is uncovered and returned to him for his playing pleasure.  I'm happy to be getting my clothes, books, etc. back bit by bit, too.  LOLOL!

Our room is rather huge, so it's fitting all of our NEEDED furniture (beds, dressers, entertainment set up, etc.) and all I'm gonna need that I don't already HAVE is a small desk of some sort.  Won't need it until my computer and I get "reunited", but am hoping that'll be real soon as I kinda sorta NEED to work somewhat...  and there are SO many updates to sites in the past week and change that I need to get my hands on and start "playing" with, ya know?  Planning on a smallish desk with wheels on it (conservation of space IN the room, make sense?) of the type one can find at Kiea or WalMart or, um, wherever...  LOL!

Already talked (alot) to David and got it ALL set for working for him at NYRF.  Luc and I can ride down with Carlene on Friday nights and, since we're camping, it's all good, ya know?  So, we'll camp Fri and Sat night and then all head on back on Sun nights to return to our regularly scheduled lives.

Kevin's being, um, what I think should be referred to as "Guilty Nice".  VERY much willing to concede stuff to me that we BOTH want, overly helpful and friendly, etc.  Dunno if it's because, somewhere in the back of his brain he KNOWS just how badly he F'ED up or what, but that's what it FEELS like to me at any rate.  He's off living "happily ever after" with Lee.  Wondering how long it's gonna be before he FINALLY wakes up to his new reality and realizes just HOW much of a dumbass he's been.  I mean, he COULD, conceivable, remain willfully blind for eternity OR, one day he could wake up and see someone for what they REALLY are and has a REALLY rude awakening.  Personally, I'm not currently real sure for which of those outcomes I'm rooting.  Either way HE loses, IMHO...  but then, that COULD be just me, too...  *sigh*

Well, all for now, just wanted to touch bases and let peoples know where I am and what's up while Carlene's at work and I can borrow her computer to do so...  LOL!

I thought the "poem" I wrote would help exorcise some of the Sorrow Deamons which seem to have taken hold of my soul, but apparently I was mistaken.  Instead, all it did was remind me of yet MORE good times that Kevin and I have shared over the hears.  Gods, I can still actually FEEL him holding my hand the day Luc was born...  and SO many other moments which he is willing to just throw the hell away, as if it - WE! - were NOTHING.  I can't stop thinking...  and every time I let myself think I start to cry and it's tearing me apart because if Luc sees me like this he won't know what to think or feel or do.  The one day he DID see me in tears it just about tore him up, hugging and cuddling me and trying to wipe my tears away...  it broke my heart.

There's a huge gaping hole where my heart was, and I can feel the wound bleeding more each minute...  and the WORST part is KEVIN is the one mad at ME...  and I'm the one with more reason to be mad at HIM in every way and on every level!  Right now I just want to find a quiet corner and cry an ocean of tears until I just can't feel ANYTHING any more, if only for just a little while.  I can't...  Luc needs me to be strong and cheerful and constantly remind him that his daddy really DOES still love him, and soon everything will ALL be better...  even if I feel it's an outright lie.  It's NEVER going to be better because Kevin doesn't WANT it to be.

HE'S hurt and angry, when WE'RE the ones going through hell.  HE'S tired and numb and just doesn't even WANT to try, when I'm the one who has ever freaking RIGHT to just pack Luc up and LEAVE him to his own life where he wouldn't have to concern ourselves with our petty little problems (like, um, food, shelter and the basic necessities of life, ya know?).

And the REAL corker was the ending of the phone call, when he said that he hadn't wanted to discuss any of this over the phone because now he "feels like a real asshole".  News flash, Kevin...  maybe you FEEL like an ASSHOLE because you are BEING and ASSHOLE!  Oh, wait...  can't have that because then YOU would have to take some RESPONSIBILITY for this whole fiasco and might even have to ADMIT that the hell our lives have become are more YOUR FAULT than any one else's!!!

Yes, I admit that I stopped talking to you about anything serious (etc) over the past 2 years.  Maybe because every time I'd join you on the couch you'd tell me how tired you were, or how busy still waiting for dealers to call, or how much you hurt...  and how much you just wanted to relax.  So answer this, genius...  HOW, then, am I supposed to talk to you?  WHEN???  You "hurt too much" for cuddling, were "too tired" to talk, and then you just "HAD to take this call to close a deal"...  but of COURSE it's all MY fault for not finding/making the time to let you know just HOW important this all was to me, right?

And that was AFTER Lee moved out.  BEFORE she moved out you'd come home, say hello, ask what there was to eat and then go directly down to spend time with HER in the basement where - shock of shocks! - I would go down and see you cuddling/snuggling or hear you talking and laughing.  Do you have any IDEA how much it FUCKING HURTS to feel like you're the outsider in your OWN family???  Like you're NOTHING more than a nanny for your own kid and a maid for your own husband?  Oh, but of COURSE it's all MY fault, right?  Because I didn't come down and tell you how I felt about it, and let you KNOW that every DAY you were tearing yet another piece of my heart out?

Well, congratulations...  you have succeeded in your goal of making me feel worthless and pathetic.  You have done what NO man has been able to do to me, EVER...  you have actually and truly broken my heart in any and every way you could AND gone a good way along breaking my spirit too.

I pray to all the Gods and Goddesses that ever were and ever will be that, one day, you look around you and realize that the things that SHOULD have been the most important to you - your wife and son, your FAMILY - are lost to you through your own actions and your stubborn refusal to wake up the the FACTS.

FACT : Since you have "joined the Kirby team" you have gradually changed EVERY facet of your personalit, turning into nothing more than a cheap living sales pitch

FACT : You haven't had any time for your family in two years EXCEPT for the Kirby Lake George weekend trip, and I can't REMEMBER the last time we had anything more than a quick screw.

FACT : Your son doesn't WANT to talk to you, believes you hate him and sent him away and is turning into an emotional and psychologial WRECK but since you aren't there to actually SEE it you can "know it" but remove yourself from the repercussions of your own actions.  YOU are the living embodiment of Harry Chapin's "Cats in the Cradle"

FACT : I'm fucking TIRED, and even after almost TWO YEARS of hurt, feeling rejected and neglected I am STILL the one who is willing to TRY...  while you want nothing more than to throw everything we've had and been to each other away like yesterdays trash.

A smile flashing, eyes smiling as I lace you into boots
making sure they fit just right as we flirt and laugh...

SLASH

Hanging out behind the booth for a cigarette and
flirting and laughing, bursting with happiness...

SLASH

Giggling at IHOP, chattering away about everything
as we play under the table, hot and heavy...

SLASH

The teeny apartment in Pawling, laughing over too many people
and cats in such a small place and loving it anyway

SLASH

Time stolen to be together in the Jeep and the very high
probability we gave at least a few trucker an eyeful...

SLASH

Comforting each other through heartaches and
laughing through our tears for we still have each other...

SLASH

Long phone calls and talks through the night sharing
secrets and hopes and dreams and fears with each other...

SLASH

Finally having each other and loving life because we
DO have each other no matter what and life is good...

SLASH

Asking me to marry you and my tearful laughter as I
let you convince me to even though I had sworn never again...

SLASH

Finding myself pregnant and not being anything except
ecstatically happy because it's OURS and life is good...

SLASH

Rushing to the hospital, fear and dread knotting my stomach
and then holding our son for the few hours he lived...

SLASH

Holding, loving and comforting each other after our son was
lost to us, forever, but knowing through it all we had each other...

SLASH

Finding myself pregnant again, too soon, and being scared and
hopeful and knowing that together we can get through anything...

SLASH

You, holding my hand as they cut me open and Luc is born and
then laughing at how elastic my insides are they they tie my tubes...

SLASH

Holding Luc and crying and laughing and feeling like we
own the world and being amazed at how perfect he is...

SLASH

Watching Luc grow and seeing you every time I look in his laughing
eyes while watching you toss him around like a football...

SLASH

Walking down to the bar so Luc can visit while you're working
and sharing the laughter as he runs around and looks in the mirrors...

SLASH

Eight years of love and laughter, shared tears and fears, and having
a life we built together brick by brick through everything...

SLASH

Moment by moment stolen away as your work consumes you
more and more, leaving no TIME for laughter and play and love...

SLASH

Watching our son becoming more lost as day by day Daddy
has less and less time for him and he's grateful for every crumb...

SLASH

DAYS without food, as we have no money or you have no time
or whatever the reason is and I'd rather do without than see Luc hungry...

SLASH

Wondering which utility will be cut THIS month because there's no money
for the rent or the bills or the food while you keep working...

SLASH

Losing our home and our life together as Luc and I are sent away
because we have no-where to go other than a friends or a shelter...

SLASH

Watching as, day by day, Luc becomes more torn and lost because
no matter WHAT I tell him every day he still feels Daddy got rid of us...

SLASH

Comforting him through night after night of nightmares and days of
whining brattiness and having him say "I don't wanna call Daddy"...

SLASH

Trying not to cry as I watch a happy, healthy and well adjusted
child become torn up inside and try to minimize the damage however I can...

SLASH

Telling you the truth about how I feel and being told that I've made
YOU so angry and hurt by it that you don't WANT to try and make it...

SLASH

Two years of a gradual descent into hell,Every day another slice of the knife
Cutting my heart to pieces until now I feel there is nothing left because while
I don't want to throw away our life together, YOU do because in all
of this, YOU are hurt and angry But I am the one whose heart lies
in bloody gobbetts on the ground at your feet to be stepped on or
over and I'm the one who has to smilethrough yet ANOTHER hellish
day so our son can, for a few days more, retain whatever he can of his
childhood innocence and laughter...  even though he's lost his blind faith
and unwavering trust and you have thrown away your status as GOD
in his heart and mind...

SLASH

Apparently, my finally telling Kevin the truth of how I feel about the past almost 2 years of him working for the "Cult of Kirby" is quite likely the death knell of our relationship.  OMG it REALLY pissed him off to find out how much I hate Kirby.  He doesn't understand how I can feel that Luc and I are second in his life to a freaking vacuum cleaner.  He doesn't get that it's not the VACUUM that I object to, but that his NEED to prove everyone wrong by succeeding at his job WITH Kirby while we're freaking HOMELESS is what I truly object to.  The fact that it is more important to prove he can BE A SUCCESS and not "jump around from job to job" but instead stick it out with them no matter HOW it affects him (his personality has almost COMPLETELY changed in the past couple of years), Luc (who has turned from a happy, loving, mostly well adjusted child into a whining crying nightmare-ridden little boy) and myself (who has had to watch BOTH of their metamorphosis while trying to keep my OWN sanity somewhat in tact because THEY both needed me to "be there" and "be strong" for THEM while there has been pretty much nobody to be there for ME)!

So...  he called tonight and decided that we "needed to talk" which, needless to say, did NOT go well.  He is determined to have us "back home" and IN a home within "a few weeks" (yeah, um, and I'll believe THAT when I see it!) but after that he doesn't know if he even wants to TRY to salvage our relationship.  He says he still loves me, but doesn't know if he could continue on in a relationship with me.  He thinks I'm completely broken up over all of this (I am, as I feel he's ripped what little is left of my heart out and stomped on it) but more than that I'm majorly PISSED at him...  and the fact that he can't seem to understand this ticks me off even MORE.

I'm too pissed to keep writing now, so I'll see if I can make more sense of this tomorrow when I'm (hopefully) a wee bit calmer...

To start you off RIGHT, and let you know JUST what you are in for, please remember that when you applied for the job here, you most likely followed a MISLEADING ad in the paper!  But don't worry, we're a TOTALLY honest company, we swear!

IF you make 15 appointments a week and bring back a bazillion referrals from EVERY appointment, we'll even PAY you for your first two weeks of training somewhere around $400 per week!  Of course, our ESTABLISHED sales people DO get appointments first and then IF there are enough left over you MIGHT even get 15 of them!  Oh and I'm SO sorry, but you didn't bring back ENOUGH referrals, so we can't pay you THIS week...  but remember, STAY POSITIVE because your BIG BREAK could be just NEXT WEEK!

CONGRATULATIONS!  You've made your FIRST SALE!!!  Of course, it's a "low ball" sale, so you're only getting $100 and, since training is salary OR commission that's ALL you're getting...  but it's a START on your way to the BIG BREAK which could be as soon as NEXT WEEK!

I know, you've had two weeks without a SINGLE sale, but don't WORRY!  I know you'll find gas money SOMEHOW to make next week's appointments, because your BIG BREAK is right around the corner, if you just STAY POSITIVE!

WOW!  You've had an AMAZING week!  5 sales and only ONE fell through!  Here ya go, have about $1000!  See?  Just keep it up and ALL your DREAMS will come true!

What?  You say you miss spending time with your family?  They don't really LIKE you working 70-80 hours a week?  Weekends and holidays?  Well, just STAY POSITIVE because they'll LOVE it when the BIG BUCKS start rolling in!  THEN you'll have PLENTY of time to spend with them!

HUH???  Your wife and son are sick?  Well sorry, you KNOW you don't have medical insurance OR sick days, so what are WE supposed to do about it?  What???  Um, sorry you haven't made enough sales to have ANY money to pay for a doctor but remember, STAY POSITIVE, because you'll do better NEXT WEEK!

What?  You say your wife has lost so much weight because she doesn't eat to make sure there's enough for your son to eat she's down 4 dress sizes?  Cheer up!  Remind her that, when you DO make it big that's the PERFECT excuse to get a whole new wardrobe!  Just remember to STAY POSITIVE and you'll make it BIG in no time!

You say your son barely recognizes you any more and your wife has forgotten what it's like to talk with you and snuggle and such?  Well then, you just REMIND her that you're doing ALL THIS so you can MAKE IT BIG and give them a BETTER LIFE!  Remind her that they have to BE POSITIVE for you, so that you can concentrate on making those sales!  I just KNOW your BIG BREAK is coming if you just BELIEVE and WORK HARD!

Huh?  Your utilities have been cut off, your car repossessed, and your landlord is evicting you because you haven't been able to pay rent in three months???  Don't worry!  All it'll take is a bit MORE time and effort and I just KNOW that you'll make it BIG in NO TIME at all!  Remember to BE POSITIVE and everything will be FINE!

Oh, don't WORRY!  I know you haven't been making sales but we're a business that's NOT affected by the economy!  Even when people are worried about losing their homes, putting food on their table and gas in their cars they're MORE than happy to drop $1000 to $2000 on a vacuum cleaner as WONDERFUL as they Kirby!  You're just having a bad run of luck is all!  Don't worry it will ALL be better NEXT WEEK

Wow!  You mean you LOST your home and your wife and son got sent clear across the country to live with some friends who could put them up because their ONLY other option was a shelter?  How truly AWFUL for you!  You must miss those 3 or 4 hours you spend with them DREADFULLY!  But CHEER UP and STAY POSITIVE, because you'll be making the BIG BUCKS any day now and then you can bring them home and all live happily ever after!

You just have to BE POSITIVE and BELIEVE...

Yeah, right...  I believe in FAERIES more than I believe the Cult of Kirby propaganda!

It seems that for every "good" week Kevin has, financially speaking, he has another 2 bad ones to keep him set back.  He has accomplished a few "goals"...  He FINALLY got an eye exam and new glasses (he's only NEEDED them for about 6 years now)...  He got a "beater" car, his license cleared up and insurance...  But he's nowhere NEAR the MAIN goal of enough finances to get us a place to live and bring us home.  He's, oh, about $3800 shy of his $4000 goal (enough to pay first/last/security and have another month or so put aside in advance).

Luc misses his daddy like mad, even though we talk to him every chance we get on the phone.  I've even helped to usher in the apocalypse by getting a little "pay as ya go" kinda cellphone (and for those who know me that's a HUGE thing...  LOL!).  As long as every month I can at LEAST make the $30 or so to KEEP the phone up and running and have plenty of minutes for Luc to talk to Kevin I feel kinda okay-ish (for what I pay I get 200 anytime and 500 night/weekend minutes),

I'd like to get enough money together to get Luc a few "wishlist" items from Amazon...  now he has a V-Smile pocket (learning game system) I'd LOVE to be able to get him a few more games (he only has 2).  I'd also love to get him a few more book/cartridges for the Leap Pad+Writing he has here.  I just want to keep him as calm and happy as I can during this whole thing.  I want him to remember this as a "fun vacation" even without his daddy, instead of a nightmarish exile, ya know?

Anyway, he's finally asleep, so I guess I can go chill for a bit.  I'd go read in the living room, but there's kidlets asleep out there on the couch...  *sigh*

It's pretty freaking late and I'm beat to all hell and just can NOT, for the life of me, get to sleep.  Not sure why.  For ONCE I'm barely coughing (took enough drugs to ensure that), am VERY tired and sleepy, and my mind isn't even doing the racing in circles thing.  But, for whatever gods bedamned reason, I just can't seem to shut myself down for the night.

Luc, however, is actually sleeping peacefully, for once.  He's been having "bad nights" lately, and I'm guessing it's because he misses his Daddy.  I'm missing Kevin lots, too.  *sigh*

Ah, well, back to the warm mostly comfy (well, it IS a twin sized) bed and HOPEFULLY to sleep...  gotta at least keep TRYING...  LOL!

Kevin called to wish us a happy V-day and we chatted for more than 5 minutes (for once).  He even called early enough to talk to Luc witc actually thrilled da boy even though ya couldn't tell at the time.  Much as I miss Kevin, Luc misses him more.

The "story" for him is that we're lucky and get to take a nice long vacation to visit "Aunt Darcy" and her family...  "poor daddy" however has to WORK (*yuck*) and doesn't get to come with us...  at which we laugh at daddy's "bad luck".

He's actually holding up pretty well, all things considered.  Life here is VERY different and a LOT more chaotic than we're used to (so many people, so little space - as opposed to mostly him and me through the day and daddy late at night and in the mornings before work).  Today was one of those days, however, where the kids were going a bit bonkers and everyone was getting on everyone else's last nerve.  I took out my agitation on the food cabinets and cleaned up and cleared out stuff, re-arranged them, etc.  Gods my back is freaking KILLING me!  Steep stairs and LOTS of canned goods do NOT mix well, just in case you're wondering.  However, for ONCE my luck held and I didn't fall either up OR down the stairs (been know to happen on BOTH counts before!) so I guess I'm pretty happy about it, overall. Tomorrow, if my back is feeling more like a back and less like a punching bag I think I'll tackle the laundry build-up...  if not I'll do it the day after.  *grin*

Darcy's grandmother is still in the hospital and tons of tests are being done.  That's pretty much ALL I know about that at the moment.  Darcy is holding up well, and I'm just glad that our "vacation" coincided with this so I can actually feel USEFUL instead of like some totally pathetic charity case.

*hugs* to all and have a happy whatever ya wanna have!  *grin*

Mine broke the night before that.  Now if only we could stop sniffling (gods does my nose hurt from blowing it!  LOL!) life would definitely be looking better!  LOLOL!

Talked to Kev the other night and things are proceeding well on his end of things, which is another bonus.  He promises a bit in the bank to me and a care package in the mail.

Darcy's been spending some time in the hospital.  Her Grandmother went into the ER the other night and she's (Darcy) been there with her ever since.  The kids are mostly kinda sorta behaving for me, which is good.  I'm SO not used to so many kiddies or so much chaos, but we all seem to be handling it and adjusting to each other well enough...  so far at least!  LOLOL!

*hugs*

CHAIN OF EVENTS :

I render something in Poser or DAZ|Studios and trace it out (since tracing one's OWN artwork is not in question can we agree that this is acceptable?).  Over time I adjust, resize, add pieces of other renders (sometimes a hand or a foot or whatever just is NOT right no matter WHAT ya do!) of the same figure (aka "characters") or, in some cases other figures cause I want the head different or, well, whatever.

Voila, I have a new doll, prop, clothes, etc, ad infinitum.

A YEAR (or more!) later someone comes to me and says "Hey, your THING A looks like BlahBlahs THING B!  You stole it!".  Now I do not remember ever having SEEN BlahBlahs site, let alone her THING B, so I go look at it and mine DOES look like hers.  Somewhere along the line I assume that I must have been there at some point (Gods know when, cause I certainly don't!) and something about the item must have stuck in the back of my brain.

Of course, I am also the one who ASSUMES that BlahBlahs THING B predates my THING A.  I never ask about that I just ASSUME the error on my part, apologize and do my best to re-make, re-create, revise or whatever needs to be done.  Hell, for all I know BlahBlah could make something from MY stuff tomorrow and turn around and claim that I stole it, based on the wait time of a freaking YEAR, during which time the "disputed" (unknown to ME cause no-one bothers to tell ME any of this in a TIMELY manner, of course!) items continues to circulate.

Right now, 98% of everything I own (INCLUDING all my back-up CDs of renders used to create things from) are back in Connecticut in storage while Luc and I are living temporarily in Chicago (long story, most blogged about in another section) so I can't go through all my stuff, find my back-ups and show how I made what and from what sources.  About the best I can do is show links to the items I used (from either DAZ, PoserPros, Renderosity or RuntimeDNA) to render out and use as my source material.

So...  no defense, no excuse, no LACK of defense, no nothing...  just simple facts.  Believe or not because I know that many who read only read what they WANT to anyway and that this will become all topsy turvey, taken out of context, quoted and misquoted in whatever way those who feel the need to keep poking at dead horses will do...

*hugs*

PS : there is no "copy/paste" protection on this blog as is it completely EXTERNAL to my site and is actually hosted through www.blogtext.org for those who were wondering...

OK, so I create ALL my dolls using my very OWN Poser and/or DAZ|Studio renders.  This INCLUDES hair, clothes, props, whatever FOR the doll.  Heck, even my few critter characters are made that way.  I admit that I can NOT draw a straight line with a freaking RULER, but I can render out a pretty picture, doll, what have you, in either Poser or DAZ.

When it comes to doing dolls, I render out something that I like the look of and re-pose it in various positions and keep rendering it.  I then add hair and/or clothes and re-render them in the SAME poses that I did the nekkid dolls in so I can get the clothes to refit to the additional poses, most ESPECIALLY the "odd poses".

Sometimes I'll render out JUST a dress or hair that I like and trace it out and then "fit it" to a specific doll or scrap it or toss it in the "maybe I'll use it someday" pile.  Whatever...

Now there is SOMEONE out there (and unlike HER I refuse to mention names as, just because she is a rampaging BITCH doesn't meant that I have to!) who seems to spend ALL of her time trying to find ANYTHING that looks like something I've made just to claim that I "stole" it.  She never comes to ME and says anything...  oh, no, that would be too freaking EASY, not to mention the POLITE and ADULT way of doing things, right???  Instead, she'll wait a year (or even MORE) until she pounces with her "proof" which, of COURSE makes me look TWICE as bad.  It makes it not just look like I "stole" it, but that I did so knowingly and willfully AND kept it up there almost tauntingly.

Instead of giving me a change to rectify and apologize for the UNINTENTIONAL likeness of something, fix and replace the disputed items to the satisfaction of all (which, when brought to my attention I do as quickly as humanly possible and has cause me to remake 3 of my dolls already the very MOMENT that I was MADE AWARE of the situation!) she just goes around calling ME a thief and coming off like her crap smells like roses!

Some people need to take a freaking chill pill and look to their OWN crap!  Hell, the person of which I'm speaking hasn't created a truly ORIGINAL item in, like, forever...  and although I think MY coloring needs serious improvement, HERS looks as bland and lifeless and a 5 year olds coloring book.  Perhaps, if she spent HALF as much time working on her own stuff as she does tearing other people down she just MIGHT be a nicer happier person.  Unless she's the type of person who can only BE happy when teraing someone else apart.  In which case I feel truly sorry for her, as her life must suck even more than mine does.

Of course, after the airline screwed us up and over getting IN to Chicago (snow and runways do NOT mix!) they then made us wait even LONGER to get our luggage too...  which was ALL damp from sitting about after unloading the plane.  Yes, after 2 days at home doing 18 FREAKING loads of laundry so we wouldn't pack up anything dirty for storage I then had to spend ANOTHER day doing 4 MORE loads here...  all of clothes I had JUST washed 2 days before!!!  ARGH!!!

Oh, and of COURSE it's been either snow, rain or sleet since we've been here so NOW Luc and I are both sick to top things all off...  can't win fer losing, eh???

But other than that things are going well...  better than I feared and it ain't a shelter!  WooHoo!  LOLOL!

*hugs* to all reading this!

And ya'll wonder just WHY it is I spend so much time wishing I was, just maybe, um, well, DEAD???

Trying to keep Luc pretty oblivious to my current stress level gets harder the worse things get and I really just do NOT know what to do or where to turn or anything like that...

I want to lay down and throw a giant sized kiddie temper tantrum because this is just all so hard and life just freaking hurts too much right now.

I'm 42 years old...  I spent almost half my teen years plus a good chunk of my early adulthood supporting my daughter and myself.  Things have been bad, off and on, over the years, but not like this.  NEVER like this.  I'm just so...  lost...  right now...

If she does at least for a little while there'll be a lot less stress on me about things.  There will still be SOME stress, but of a different type at least.  The kind that will at least, perhaps, let me sleep at night.  More along the lines of the kind of stress that making nice with someone you're not super fond of but have to play nice with gives ya...  which is a lot easier to deal with on a day-to-day basis than the kind of stress that the fear of living in a cardboard box brings.

Don't get me wrong...  I don't hate her or anything like that.  It's, well, odd.  See, I believe that even if you don't like your daughter-in-law you should NEVER let your grandkids KNOW it, ya know?  When your grand kids know that when you say "that woman" you actually MEAN their mother, well, it just ain't right.  And, of course, since I love Kev's mom, well, you can see who's side of the fence, so to speak, I'm on.  You know me, always defensive over those I care about...  LOL!  And cases like this make it hard NOT on the DIL in question, but on the grand kids growing up...  which is just downright WRONG...

So anyway, waiting to hear back from Kevin about the grandma thing so I'll know just HOW I'm starting to pack.  If we're staying with her it means I can take certain things with me that I might not be able to take elsewhere...  *sigh*

More later, if I'm up to it...

OK, so apparently I have NO friends with space available who can or will take Luc and I in.  Doesn't surprise me much, since most of them are as bad off, financially, as we are...  or so close to it that it don't make much difference.  Kev'll only be able to kick over like $200 a month or so towards out "upkeep" so it's not like we can actually really afford a fair share of rent.  With that we're lucky if we can buy our own food.

The folks in TX don't have room for us or, for whatever reason (oh, silly little things like leases and whatnot) can't take us.  Both good and bad.  Would have liked to have seen Mom and the rest...  Luc would have had cousins and what have you to visit and play with...  etc...

Our last ditch hope is a slim one.  MAYBE Kev's grandmother'll let us come stay with her.  Proof that I can get along with ANYONE, if I really HAVE to.  Not that I don't LIKE her...  just a few, um, familial issues.  She has the space (nice big finished basement that could be a living/bed/playroom for Luc and myself), she's near enough for Kev to visit us regularly (just down in White Plains), her house is paid off (doesn't need rent money, as it were).  With Kev kicking some to me I can get us food and maybe pay for a cable modem.  At least I can pack a bit more than "whatever will fit in suitcases", like Luc's toys and my computer...  silly little essentials like that, ya know?  I can even bring a TV and the PS2 (games and dvds) to keep us semi-sane while there.

She's very old and ill, so Luc and I can stay pretty much to ourselves in the basement, where he can run and play without worrying too much about noise carrying upstairs to her.  It could work, at least for the "short term", which is what we're looking at right now.  A couple or so months...  I can do it if I have to.  Hell, she'll probably LOVE it, cause she'll get to see her little great-grandbaby, who she actually ADORES.

Fingers crossed, candles lit, prayers said, and just MAYBE, by this time tomorrow I can finally freaking SLEEP without driving myself insane...  little mice-thoughts tripping along the mental wheel, ever spinning in the silence of my brain...

DD and Jme are gonna go back to NJ and stay with Chris and Mike (other dear friends of ours).  Which is good for them in a LOT of ways...  at least DD will be around other people so, if Jme does anything she'll be in a "safety zone".  I don't know EXACTLY why, but he kinda worries me, and I usually go with those kinda feelings.  I'd be a LOT more worried about DD if they found a little place of their own...

Don't know exactly WHAT we're gonna do if things go majorly south tomorrow.  I mean, Luc and I don't HAVE anywhere to go or anyone to run TO.  Realistically, Kev would be MUCH better off without worrying over the two of us for a month or three while he could build himself up.  Even putting all our stuff in storage and sending us some $$ here and there to cover expenses and the like he'd STILL have few, if any, expenses (cause he could go stay with Lee).  That would, in all honesty, give him time to get his business up and running and get some $$ banked and such so that we copuld come back and all be together again...

It's just that, well...  while HE has a bad feeling about the court blowing up in our faces I have the same kinda creepy-bad feeling about Luc and I being totally away from him for a few months.  With his car repo'd he'd only get to come see us if and when Lee let him borrow her car, so would we even SEE him unless we came to visit?  And, if we DID come visit, it would be for short periods of time because Lee barely has room for her and Kevin, so where would WE be, eh?  Especially since I don't drive and would have to rely on someone from wherever I was staying being willing to drive me all the way into Derby to visit.

Haven't been sleeping well, in case you couldn't tell by the rambling, worried and frustrated turn my "conversation" here has taken...  too many thoughts running through my brain, too many funky dreams, too much, well, everything just dumping down on me and I'm feeling like a rat trapped in a maze with no way out...

More later, I guess, when we see how things are and what's up and all that jazz...  any more NOW and I'll end up breaking down and crying and with Luc around that's the very LAST thing that I want to do...

Yesterday they repo'd Kevin's car, which leaves him even MORE screwed in the work department...

He also went to get our eviction case re-opened, which he DID have some luck with at least.  Now there's a court date set for next week and we just have to keep out fingers crossed that the landlord ends up more screwed than we are by the whole thing.

There's some general talk of, if we're too beyond screwed, "farming" Luc and I out elsewhere (who knows, I might have a friend or two with space and a big heart left somewhere...) while he goes to stay with Lee for "a couple of months" until things pick up and he can bank some money to bring us all back together as a family once more.  I live in dread of this, because I fear we'd never come back from it.  Luc is old enough now to notice such silly things as barely seeing his daddy, and I think it might be harmful to his mind on some level.  I know it feels harmful to me...  because I just have this gut deep feeling that, if we ARE forced to take this step it'll be the beginning of the end of, well, everything.

Although there are also times I think, in the long dark hours where I'm trying to sleep, how much better Kevin's life might just be without Luc and me...  I know I never want to ACT on those feelings, you know?  I dunno...  too many times I dream the razors edge, no more now because I don't want to break down in front of the boy...  I do NOT want him to have the teeniest clue as to just how bad things are and how much worse they might GET...

We just went through our DVD and game collection to see what we might, just possible, be able to get a couple of bucks for from the pawn shop...  also starting to pack things up as I can to make sure they're all done up right, just in case we end up having to move in a hurry or whatever...

So freaking tired...

Seems I never get to, and if anyone in this house needs it it's me.  But no, I've gotta "keep it together" for the kid, or for the stressed-depressed hubby, or the stressed and agitated roomie (DD), or the stressed and volatile roomie (Jme).  Someone ALWYAS needs me to be the supportive, calm and rational one, soothing their stress, fears, frustrations and tears.  The only one who DOESN'T is Jme, mostly because he's extremely anti-social and deals with his issues by staying up all night and sleeping all day so I really don't have to deal with him much.  Plus he's pretty good at working on DD's stress level, at least.

So, here's the current scoop on why my life sucks more every day...

Thursday we have to have $35 for Kevin to go to court and get our housing case re-opened so we (hopefully) don't get evicted immediately, in the dead of winter, with no-where to go and a 4 year old.

Because out landlord STILL hasn't fixed the furnace OR allowed us to order oil our electric bill was over $600 just this month, due to needing space heaters to warm up SOME of the rooms in the house!  We have a shut off notice for the electricity and need to come up with $850 by Jan 31st or we're MORE than screwed...  that is IF we still have a place to live!

I have lost about 20 pounds in the past 6 months.  This means I'm 5'8" and weight in at a whopping 115 pounds.  Clothes I haven't been able to wear in 6 or more years are now a little too BIG on me. 
On this I'll just say that I make damn sure Luc eats.  Hell, if I have to start cutting off body parts of mine to feed him, I will.  Of course, that's all saying we still have a stove to cook on in 2 weeks between the electric company and the landlord.

Our cupboards are pretty freaking bare, these days...  but we still have some pasta, and a few random thingies here and there, so we're not completely starved.  Actually have some stwe I made still in the fridge (tonight's supper) and one frozen pork roast (Big Y had a buy 1 get 2 sale, so $15 for 3 2+ pound roasts was worth it, but I'm kinda getting tired of pork...  LOL!).  We ate the last of the Mac n Cheese yesterday, but that, at least, is cheap, and if I can get more than the $35 Kevin needs for the court tomorrow then I can get some more.

So, um, yeah is it any wonder why I can't sleep, have very f'ed up dreams, headaches all the time and spend plenty of time wishing I was no longer amongst the living???

Ah screw it, I'm just freaking tired...

Every single time we ignore her bull***t she hast to start stirring everything up all over again.  She is currently sending harassing and threatening emails to at LEAST one good friend of mine for NO reason!  We have left her alone, for the most part...  well, ok, so we DO laugh about her childishness and stupidity in PRIVATE, but we haven't been doing ANYTHING to her in ANY way...  and yet she feels the burning need to just keep coming back with various rantings and ravings of a paranoid schizophrenic nature.  In fact, her "tag box" is the most rediculously juvenile thing I have ever seen.  Anyone who responds to her in a non-suppotive way is, of course, banned...  while she and her supposed "friend" (who, other than having all of her comments CAPSLOCKED has the very exact same spelling and grammatical errors as she does, leaving one to believe they are actually one and the same person) spew their (her?) venom all over the place.

This is the SECOND time she has been forced to shut her "pay site" down under severe controversy.  Both times were under the accusation of theft of graphics.  She claims she'll be re-opening once more in January and I implore ANY who read this to beware!  There is a very good REASON why many sites actually changed their Terms of Use to reflect that NONE of their items (tubes, lines, etc) were ever to be used in ANY way in conjunction with hers!

She has a "habit" of trying to hide who she is by virtually stealing the names of other sites.  This most recent time she initially opened under a name that was VERY similar to the site name of one of my beloved "sissies", Adorable, who's site name is "Adorable's Little Pixels".  Many were fooled into joining this OTHER woman's site, thinking they were joining Adorable's.

A word of advice to the wary...  when new sites open and you aren't sure of their ownership and/or reputation PLEASE ask around, check with friends, with other site owners, whatever.  DO NOT get taken in by people like this who are given a "second chance" only to throw it back in everyone's faces!

So, our landlord, who has STILL refused to fix the furnace or allow us to order oil for almost a bloody YEAR is now getting up off his cheap lazy butt and taking us to the wonderful world of Eviction proceedings.  I wonder if he realizes just HOW stupid it is to do any, let alone ALL of the following :

1.  Attempt to evict anyone just before the holiday season...

2.  Attempt to evict anyone with a small child during the winter months...

3.  Attempt to evict someone for non-payment of rent when they have a small child and NO heat or HOT WATER for almost a YEAR...

4.  Evict someone when there are "slumlord laws" which would force him to make certain LEGALLY NECESSARY repairs to the house which he has been too lazy and cheap to do, and which will cost HIM a good chunk of change in fees and fines and, if I get the Board of Health involved, quite possible jail time...

Of course, NONE of that alleviates the general stress of the whole mess.  And I still have no "spare" cash to even get Luc anything FOR Yule...  so no matter what life sucketh big time...  *sigh*

The first game I want to talk about JUST opened up in it's "Closed Beta Testing" phase and so far it's ROCKING!  It's called Shaiya and has been brought to us by Aeria Games.

So far, I would consider Aeria Games to be "hit or miss", based on other games I have TRIED to beta test for them.  Love you guys but not every MMORPG (massively multi player online role playing game) is to everyone's tastes...  and that goes for game style as much as it does for the game itself.

This one, however, is a DEFINITE hit with me at least!  Bringing familiar elements/styles similar to those of World of Warcraft  and Ever Quest makes it easy to adjust to.  The graphics quality is wonderful.  TONS of quests and lots of monster bashing PLUS "social" skills make the game fun for just about anyone who enjoys this "kind of thing".

Oh, there are a FEW "iffy" things still...  sometimes the mouse controls are a bit "twitchy" (double clicking on skills in the quick bar many times causes you to start moving to a new location instead of using the skill you were going for)...  some spots are simply NOT translated at all, and much of it is poorly translated from it's original language.  Luckily, being a fluent speaker/reader of "typonese" I can get a good idea of what they are SUPPOSED to be "saying".

Other than those minor glitches (so far) this game is DEFINITELY worth a play or three...  especially since it is FREE!!!  Yep, you heard me...  free to download, free to play!  LOL!

Go forth and slay some monsters!

On a side note, my 4 year old LOVES to watch me "beat the monsters" and, so far, his favorite by far is the "bad monkeys"...  *grin*

I received some WONDERFUL gifties from my online Sisters and Friends.  Some are being "shown off" in my photo album here.  Others (not shown) are an AWESOME Tube Pack (also from Sicara), and a membership to Lovelight Pixels from the sweet Katja (Berliner Baerin).

The hubby gave me (yet another IOU) and a cake he bought with my money cause he's as beyond broke as I am, of course!  LOL!  DD and Jme bought me a brand new mouse, which made me VERY happy...  because, um, it actually WORKD, which is more than I could say for EITHER of the ones I already owned!  *giggles*

Other than that, well, not all that much happened around here.  Life is pretty much, as always, "same old/same old".  I keep hoping to have good - or at LEAST interesting! - news to put on up here one day.  Sorry my life is rather boring!  LOL!

Luc is SUPER smart and becoming a most excellent speller!  I mean, he was slow to begin speaking but his vocabulary is now HUGE and he can consitantly spell words some 1st and 2nd graders have problems with right.  He was quicker to pick up math concepts than speech, but now he's chugging along like a little bullet train!  LOLOL!

Honestly, he is my bright rainbow in a very grey world...  and if it wasn't for him there are days I just wouldn't even bother getting up.  That's how rotten I feel far too much of the time.  So I guess it's a good thing I got the little monkey, eh???

Anyway, all for now dear reader...  or dear self if no-one else is bothering to read!  *grin*

BIG mistake!  She never EVER really put anything UP on her site (hosted free on pizco *shudder*) and changed her link, membership concept, etc like 5 times.  Eventually, one of my dear "sisters", Kay, got conned into setting up a forum for her to host her membership site on, figuring to get her the heck OFF the horrors of a pizco site...  Well, this woman screwed things all up, and then just decided, without telling Kay, that she was going back to pizco, and other such insanity.  To be honest, I only know a teeny PART of their story, but I do know that Kay was thoroughly messed over.

At around this time I contacted the woman to terminate the traded membership agreement with her as, frankly, I was getting NOTHING for the trade...  she never actually MADE anything and, at that time, the only outlines she had on the forum were pretty much Kay's.  I had just had enough, ya know?  She then kept emailing me over and over again, wanting to be my "site sister" and couldn't understand why I had kicked her outta my membership site, even though I had been VERY clear as to why.

Now, a word of warning, it looks like  she's BACK and starting all over again.  AOT of my friend's site's have recently been approached by her requesting to "trade memberships".  I also saw an add go through just the other day for her site, and it's STILL hosted on pizco, although it has a new name (yet again).  If she contacts you run FAR away as fast as you can.  She gives me the willies, and I don't get creeped out all that easily!

Two of my dear friends are having trouble with the same psychotic candidate for the loony bin.  She's virtually cyberstalking them, sending threatening emails and leaving messages on tag boards and the like.  She got caught as a "pixel thief" and many of us were willing to give her a second chance.  Cause that's what ya do, ya know?  Everyone is entitled to make a mistake and DESERVES a second chance, after all.  However, during her "second chance" she was once MORE proven to be a thief and many pixel sites went so far as to change their terms of usage to disallow the use of THEIR work with any of HER stuff.  Needless to say, she discovered herself removed from pretty much every membership site she belonged to due to her behavior.

Instead of being "adult" and just saying she was wrong, and sorry and all that she began threatening the person SHE stole from, blaming HER for all her troubles within the CGC.  Yeah, right...  the b**** brought this on herself, through her very OWN actions, but of COURSE can't be HUMAN enough, let alone ADULT enough, to admit SHE was at fault.  She is, apparently, one of "those people" who must blame every one ELSE for THEIR actions.

Now she's threatening and harassing ANOTHER friend of mine...  *sigh*

We are all saving pretty much ANYTHING this person sends to any of us as evidence against her, because she is now terrorizing one poor woman and REALLY ticking the other one off.  Luckily, the idiot doesn't seem to realize that she is breaking MULTIPLE federal laws, at the very least, and kust keeps putting her threats in writing...  if we're REAL lucky the LAW will take care of her for us, as it should!

Sometimes I really wonder just what the "Pixel World" is coming to...

Honestly, I'm just tired...  tired of wondering how we're gonna pay the bills, buy food, whatever...   Sometimes I wish I didn't HAVE to wake up every morning just to face those same questions yet AGAIN, just like I hate the fact that those questions run through my brain every night until I feel like I hardly ever sleep any more.

Yeah, I know there are people with worse problems out there, and I truly feel for them...  but it's MY problems that are bothering me the most.  Luckily Luc is still little, and thus birthdays and "Winter Holiday of Choice" are easy to provide for him, at least somewhat.  *sigh*  Ah, well, if I just keep telling myself things could be worse, sooner or later maybe I'll finally convince myself that things aren't THAT bad after all...  LOL!

Some real sweeties in the pixel world have given me gifties (Thank you Tanya and Katja! you SO rock!) and sent me little notes to wish me a happy one.  The hubby hasn't called yet to wish me one, but I'm kinda used to him getting "too busy" to remember to call.  He DID buy me a nummy chocolate fudge cake yesterday, though, so I know he remembers it's my "day"!  LOLOL!

Other than that, pretty much "same old/same old" here in out little nut house...  which is neither good nor bad, it just IS...  *grin*