Bitching and moaning...  just like I can't seem to stop crying...  every time I stop and let myself think about the phone call last night I get a flash-vision or something SO good and wonderful from the past 10 years that I start crying all over again...

I thought the "poem" I wrote would help exorcise some of the Sorrow Deamons which seem to have taken hold of my soul, but apparently I was mistaken.  Instead, all it did was remind me of yet MORE good times that Kevin and I have shared over the hears.  Gods, I can still actually FEEL him holding my hand the day Luc was born...  and SO many other moments which he is willing to just throw the hell away, as if it - WE! - were NOTHING.  I can't stop thinking...  and every time I let myself think I start to cry and it's tearing me apart because if Luc sees me like this he won't know what to think or feel or do.  The one day he DID see me in tears it just about tore him up, hugging and cuddling me and trying to wipe my tears away...  it broke my heart.

There's a huge gaping hole where my heart was, and I can feel the wound bleeding more each minute...  and the WORST part is KEVIN is the one mad at ME...  and I'm the one with more reason to be mad at HIM in every way and on every level!  Right now I just want to find a quiet corner and cry an ocean of tears until I just can't feel ANYTHING any more, if only for just a little while.  I can't...  Luc needs me to be strong and cheerful and constantly remind him that his daddy really DOES still love him, and soon everything will ALL be better...  even if I feel it's an outright lie.  It's NEVER going to be better because Kevin doesn't WANT it to be.

HE'S hurt and angry, when WE'RE the ones going through hell.  HE'S tired and numb and just doesn't even WANT to try, when I'm the one who has ever freaking RIGHT to just pack Luc up and LEAVE him to his own life where he wouldn't have to concern ourselves with our petty little problems (like, um, food, shelter and the basic necessities of life, ya know?).

And the REAL corker was the ending of the phone call, when he said that he hadn't wanted to discuss any of this over the phone because now he "feels like a real asshole".  News flash, Kevin...  maybe you FEEL like an ASSHOLE because you are BEING and ASSHOLE!  Oh, wait...  can't have that because then YOU would have to take some RESPONSIBILITY for this whole fiasco and might even have to ADMIT that the hell our lives have become are more YOUR FAULT than any one else's!!!

Yes, I admit that I stopped talking to you about anything serious (etc) over the past 2 years.  Maybe because every time I'd join you on the couch you'd tell me how tired you were, or how busy still waiting for dealers to call, or how much you hurt...  and how much you just wanted to relax.  So answer this, genius...  HOW, then, am I supposed to talk to you?  WHEN???  You "hurt too much" for cuddling, were "too tired" to talk, and then you just "HAD to take this call to close a deal"...  but of COURSE it's all MY fault for not finding/making the time to let you know just HOW important this all was to me, right?

And that was AFTER Lee moved out.  BEFORE she moved out you'd come home, say hello, ask what there was to eat and then go directly down to spend time with HER in the basement where - shock of shocks! - I would go down and see you cuddling/snuggling or hear you talking and laughing.  Do you have any IDEA how much it FUCKING HURTS to feel like you're the outsider in your OWN family???  Like you're NOTHING more than a nanny for your own kid and a maid for your own husband?  Oh, but of COURSE it's all MY fault, right?  Because I didn't come down and tell you how I felt about it, and let you KNOW that every DAY you were tearing yet another piece of my heart out?

Well, congratulations...  you have succeeded in your goal of making me feel worthless and pathetic.  You have done what NO man has been able to do to me, EVER...  you have actually and truly broken my heart in any and every way you could AND gone a good way along breaking my spirit too.

I pray to all the Gods and Goddesses that ever were and ever will be that, one day, you look around you and realize that the things that SHOULD have been the most important to you - your wife and son, your FAMILY - are lost to you through your own actions and your stubborn refusal to wake up the the FACTS.

FACT : Since you have "joined the Kirby team" you have gradually changed EVERY facet of your personalit, turning into nothing more than a cheap living sales pitch

FACT : You haven't had any time for your family in two years EXCEPT for the Kirby Lake George weekend trip, and I can't REMEMBER the last time we had anything more than a quick screw.

FACT : Your son doesn't WANT to talk to you, believes you hate him and sent him away and is turning into an emotional and psychologial WRECK but since you aren't there to actually SEE it you can "know it" but remove yourself from the repercussions of your own actions.  YOU are the living embodiment of Harry Chapin's "Cats in the Cradle"

FACT : I'm fucking TIRED, and even after almost TWO YEARS of hurt, feeling rejected and neglected I am STILL the one who is willing to TRY...  while you want nothing more than to throw everything we've had and been to each other away like yesterdays trash.