Another name

 
A man said to a friend:

 
‘You talk about God as if you knew him personally, down to the colour of his eyes. Why do you need to create something to believe in? Can’t you live without that?’

 
His friend replied:

 
‘Do you have any idea how the Universe was created? Can you explain the miracle of life?’

 
‘Everything around us is the result of chance. Things just happen.’

 
‘Exactly. Well, "Things just happen" is merely another name for God.’

Things happen. And evrything in my belief don't just happen. They were made possible by a powerful being... more powerful than computers which man has devised to surpass that One true power. In the end, man forgets that his existence did not just happen... popping out of the cosmos, but this One true power whom he denies present is the One who made him possible.

The former message is a Daily Message posted by my favorite author in his website http://www.paulocoelho.com and you can refer to his daily messages anytime you want to further enrich your spirituality like what he did to me almost three years ago when I first got hold one of his books.

The latter is my comment which I left in his site.

How about you, what can you say about your own existence? Let me know, we might be in the same side of the cosmos.

Keep on reading my blogs. Next week, I will be posting Paulo Coelho's spirit-enriching exercises found in his book The Pilgrimage and hope you will embrace the same learning (or much more) like I did.

Have a great day everyone!!!

> Word of the day:  GGRRRRRRRRR!!!

> I got up from bed at exactly five this morning. I felt a sudden heaviness on my left arm. I almost wagged it off but mom's intuition told me to look at the left side of my bed… "Lo and behold!" I saw Gaby's fragile muscled feet lazily spread on top of my aching arms. I can't help but smile to myself and whisper a simple prayer thanking God He didn't take away Gaby away from us.

> I carefully eased out her feet. From across, I saw Bea with traces of laway on the right side of her lips, left foot atop a pillow between her and her sister; while her left hand gently holding Gaby's little fingers extended towards her. Again, I silenced a humongous laugh that was about to escape my mouth.

> When I was about to steady my feet, a strong warm hand tucked my right foot. And I felt butterfly kisses tickling my toes. Ronald said, "Too early. Won't you lie down for a couple of minutes?" I gave out a teasing grin and tenderly pulled my leg. "I can't. I shouldn't be late today. Too much work."

> And so I did my daily routine.

> School. I smiled at almost everybody I met along my way to my comfort zone – my cubicle. Of course, I have to smile at her. Who is she? SIYA. Basta siya. Pero di man lang niya ako nginitian. The nerve!

> I told myself, "And so…???" But deep inside I'm affected. I don't want to have somebody who treats me with cold shoulders when I'm only here to work not just for myself and my family but for the love of the profession I chose… synonymous to a vocation because my heart and the whole of who I am I so fully dedicate to what I do.

> Then the whole day, I worked my butt off my limits, perspired all the liquids in my body. I looked at the product of my efforts and I was pleased. Then here she comes in all her glory… what a graceful entrance… "Cha-cha-charaaaaaaan!"

> Okay! That made my day! Details? May amnesia na ako sa mga bagay na iyan. Basta kanina, nang mapuno ako… I cried a river… I mean an ocean. And now, I'm okay. Perfectly! Basta nailuha ko na, ayos na ako. Wala nang galit sa puso ko.

> If my friends who know me too well would read this, they will in chorus say: "Iyan si Marjo…IYAKIN!!!!"

> As a prelude… I think tears are my friends. They keep me strong. They help me keep my sanity. They uplift my spirit. They revitalize my emotional valence. They purify my soul.

Sabi nga ni BO: Kung gusto mong maging manunulat, eh di magsulat ka. Simple.

Taksyapo! Korak siya. Kaya nga ko nagsusulat ngayon kahit antok na antok na ko. Kasi nga nag-uunahan ang mga nagpiping-pong na mga salita sa utak ko. Kahit sa aking pagtulog ay nagsusumiksik sila at nag-uunahan na maisulat ko sila... (as if may mapapala ang bawat kataga ma-distinguish man sila nang dahil sa akin... Wehehehe!). At higit sa lahat, bago ang aking ballpen.

Korek ulit mga katoto... kung si BO namumulot ng mga nagkalat na ballpen at lapis, ako nama'y pinagkakagastusan ko talaga. As in talagang pinag-iipunan ko sila upang mabili ko lamang ang bawat kulay at disenyong magustuhan ko. Fixated yata ako sa something in my childhood na naging ballpen ang representation or hang-ups kaya na naging obsession ko ang ballpen na naging fetish... blah... blah... blah... end...

Basta, kani-kanina lang, bumili ako ng 5 ballpen na iisang brand pero iba't-ibang kulay. Orange ang ipinapangsulat ko sa draft ng blog entry kong ito. Meron din akong rose red ( na ewan kung ano ang ipinagka-iba sa plain na red lang... try ko tomorrow, promise... then i'll tell you if there's a difference at all...). Meron ding blue, green, wine o ordinaryong violet lang siya at cocoa na in blunt term ay brown lang din naman... ha? Sumobra ba ako ng banggit ng kulay? ah! Alam ko na, wala pala akong blue. Favorite ko kasi. Nabad-trip lang ako sa bookstore kanina kasi nagtatae yung dalawang blue na trinay ko. Madali pa naman akong mawalan ng gana pagdating sa mga depektibong panulat. Bakit kanyo? Pag nagtae kasi ang ballpen ko, biglang sumablay ang tinta o naputol ang pluma ng lapis na gamit ko (kung napudpod, okay lang... tinatasahan ko siya, pero kung naputol...), basurahan lang ang katapat nila dahil feeling ko (feeling ko lang naman... wag mong angkinin, okei!), maaapektuhan ang daloy ng magagandang alaala na isinusulat ng aking mga kamay mula sa mga nagtatagisang ping-pong words sa aking walang hasaang utak. In short... @#*"*"@#*

Gusto mo ng patotoo sa mga sinasabi ko? Eto ang pruweba: "Ngoooorrrkkkkk!" (hilik-hilik-hilik-laway na taas-baba, labas-masok sa nakabukang bunganga...) "Ngoooorrrkkkkkk!" (humaba pa ngayon na may kasamang full length whistle..............) Gudnyt! 

Got my pen. Scribbled some words. Thought it was pure nonsense. Then my lines created some shapes. My mind shouted but it ended there. My scream got stuck at the middle of that somewhere where words are created and are processed if they can be blurted out without hurting yourself or other people. I can't remember what area of the brain is that. I have fully forgotten my anatomy and physiology. But one thing I know and have concluded. I'm not yet insane though I seem to be in the verge of it.

Yeah sanity! When can one claim he/she is sane? Can you?

One more thing though, I'm still in full control. Got no executive dysfunction or whatsoever. I was still able to regulate my affect and maintain my interest in this thing I love the most doing -- BLOGGING!!!

Words... They are indeed my bestfriends. They make me release bad energies accumulated in my system. CATHARSIS. At least my professors in Psychology would still be proud of me because I remember one important gradient in one's humanization process -- CATHARSIS.

BLOGGING = CATHARSIS

We at times sit at one corner alone, appreciating life as we see it through our eyes...

Suddenly, someone surprises us… shares that corner until it becomes the world.

Isn't that amazing?

Sometimes we are caught off guard by people who then were strangers from a far off land. We meet them. We become acquaintances. We learn to like them. We find some differences, yet we click. We laugh at the same corny jokes over and over again. We cry at the same old movies we have both watched but re-tell the story as if the other missed out the details. Sometimes we become so stupid raking some thoughts to spill, but in the end, we feel that silence becomes a unity of colors and sounds that fill-in the gap between us. Then we realize, we have found a friend in this then stranger.

The cycle never stops. In doesn't find an end. I met Armila. Then Teresa. The three of us ate some burgers at Mc Donald's. Then there was Myrna. Then Ate Arnila. Then Flor. The six of us ate pizza at Greenwich.

Then Teresa moved out. Then Armila. After a year, I moved in with Armila. Then we have found our home with some other people who became our friends. There was Ate Imelda, then Ate Marivel, Ate Daisy, Ate Glenda, Ate Nida and Ate Cathy. TheN Teresa found her way back to us. Then Flor moved in with us. After a year, Ate Arnila from another planet joined us. In the process, we lost contact of Myrna, but some more people came – Analyn, Marie, Ruby, Ate Chai, Ma'am Nora, Ate Rosabel, Ate Reynilda who came for a moment then left, Ate Alma and our new baby, Arleen. And who knows who else would find their way to our small nook. Now we eat a full bilao of pancit.

Yeah, I started in that small nook I thought was so beautiful for someone like me. After almost nine years, I woke up and found a colorful nook with unity of various hues and sounds. Geeezzz! Now I will have to get a more spacious place for all of us…   

When people ask me to define love, I say, "Love is like handing someone a gun, having them point it at your heart, and trusting them to never pull the trigger." (Sponge Bob)

When they ask me why I laugh at my mistakes and even write them with pride in my blogs, I say, "I'm not crazy. I just don't give a damn!" (Daffy Duck)

When one time I was conducting a group activity, a student asked what road sign I love the most, I said, "I like dead end signs. I think they're kind. They at least have the decency to let you know you're going nowhere…" (Bugs Bunny)

And when for the n^th time a friend would ask me what do I get from writing, I'm not even sure if there are good old souls out there visiting my site, I just smile and say, "Kung gusto mong maging manunulat, eh di magsulat ka. Simple." (Bob Ong)

And last night when Eva said she wants to quit from her work because nobody believes in her, her boss got mad at her, she doesn't even have friends at her agency, and she's crying like hell, I said, "Either you stay to prove your worth or you quit and just show them you're a loser, you have to strive for your happiness." (MY original)

My CHOICES: I remained believing in love. I continued spicing up my mistakes and rewriting my life, accepting failure but keep on dreaming until words would fade into thin air.

I hibernated in my best played role – MOTHERHOOD.

For more than two weeks I wasn't able to update my blog, it doesn't mean though that I created nothing, in fact, I had several dedicated to my friends and family. For more than two weeks, I hadn't had the chance to open my friendster account. For more than two weeks I just read what I thought were important emails, not responding to some, and just spilled a one-liner to a few. Yesterday, I opened my yahoo account and saw an overwhelming 95 unread messages (15 unnecessary bulk). I had friendster friends updates, new comments, messages from five friends and a couple of invites. I received a couple of flixster talks, an invitation to "multiply",  six birthday reminders, two e-thoughts for the couple of weeks that I wasn't able to go through in detail my inbox.

The past two weeks were amazingly exhausting but fulfilling for me. Why?

1. I was able to finish a module in Values Education. Difficult to squeeze values where values are scarce, eh. Aaarghh! Reality bites. It even stings.

2. I was able to finish yet another module of Group Dynamic Activities for my Children of OFW cases and Children of Single and Separated Parents.  It devastates me to see almost half of our high school students in these categories. And with the thought that one day I would make my two girls belong in this group breaks my heart. Putsa iyang American Dream na iyan!

3. I attended the annual recollection organized by our school for all personnel in a retreat house amidst the mountains, had solitude and was able to strengthen my relationship with my colleagues, to myself and to my Creator. This is in preparation for this school year's theme: "Building Communities of Love: Our Prophetic Response to God's Call". Ain't our school so holistic? I get sentimental thinking that soon I will leave my haven away from home. Sob-sob-sob! Sic-sic-sic!

4. We conducted Guidance Orientation and Re-orientation from Pre-Elementary to Fourth Year. Pero siyempre, in charge kami sa kanya-kanya naming level. But for the powerpoint presentation… I was in charge! Yabang, bah?! Thanks to Sr. Jelli, ganda ng ginawa niya with matching song number pa which the fourth years enjoyed and craved for more. Parents' Orientation, of course si Ate Em ang bida. Idol!

5. And of course the bulk of my hibernation lies on my best played role (I hope!) – MOTHERHOOD! I see to it that when the clock strikes at 4:30 I have already gathered my things to the detail, up my shoes, never mind re-touching, as long as I am home at 5:30 so I can attend to my Pre-School, Bea and my Gaby.

What do I do upon arriving home?

1. I change my clothes of course, wash my hands and face as thoroughly as possible para maalis ang germs before I cuddle Gabrielle in my arms.

2. While carrying Gaby, I would browse Bea's notebooks and books, sign her diary and praise her for gaining three stars (highest score daw sabi ng teacher for a job well done).

3. While feeding Gabrielle (her dinner), Bea and I would make her assignments.

4. After feeding Gaby, Ronald and I would bath her. While Bea eats her dinner with Nanay.

5. After they have eaten, Ronald would bath Bea while I lull Gaby to sleep.

6. Then Ronald and I would eat our dinner while Nanay takes Gaby (if she hadn't slept yet) and Bea watches "Tom and Jerry" or any cartoon show on CN.

7. And while I keep the dishes clean and the kitchen, Ronald would feed the dogs.

8. Afterwhich, I would take a bath.

9. At around half passed nine or ten, while Ronald boils Gaby's feeding bottles and making tiklop the laundry, Bea and I would review their lesson for the next day. If she isn't sleepy yet, I would teach her how to read then read a story to her when she's dozing to sleep.

10.  At eleven in the evening, doon ko pa lang magagawang mag-aral or mag-encode ng mga assignments ko sa Masteral.

11. And yesterday was another story, because after school, I have to drop by Rob's home to tutor him until passed seven. So everything has to be adjusted.

12.  Last night, I wasn't able to feed my kids. Upon arriving home, they already had their dinner. I just bathed Gaby.

13.  Then I sacrificed not eating yet kahit kumakalam na ang tiyan ng aking mga anaconda, instead, I asked Bea that we make her assignment first kahit almost nine na ng gabi.

14.  I took a bath at eleven and saw Bea staring at me. she asked me to read to her her fave Princess story, so I obliged even I have to finish a requirement in my MA.

15. After reading to her, she said her simple prayer while I listen to her saying, "Thank you Jesus for giving me my Mama na kahit makulit ako at mahirap alagaan kami ni Gabs ay love pa rin niya kami."

My Bea spoke for me… need I say more?

I have this Mother who intercedes for me,
the Divine Feminine of God
of whom my four elements pulsate from.
She nourishes me inside and out
keeping my spirit alive
always there for me; and
teaching me the hard and easy way
of life’s petals and thorns.

And I have this mother who embraced me with so much love
from the day she conceived me to her grave
of whom I shall pay love and respect
until the end of my day.
She nurtured me in the best way she could
that I become the best that I can be… single-handedly;
taught me to be fervent in following my dreams
of roses and daisies that I am.

There was Gracia in high school, the other side of my beauty
we are opposites of what exquisiteness have to offer,
“kape at gatas” they say, but we perfectly blend.
She showed me that real friendship never envies
we just find joy in the others’ laughter;
we become strong when the going gets tough
so the other would be invigorated
(na usually, eh ako lang naman iyon dahil mas iyakin ako sa kanya.)

And “Tres Marias” of SHS isn’t complete
without this gal who seems
engulfed with much pain (kasi wala daw siyang “Papa”);
at kahit napipilitan ako, she’s the other side of my intellect (uh!)
she’s the challenge behind my high school “pagsusunog ng kilay” stuff;
made me realize that a little bit of beauty and
a bit of brains combined
is better than being a genius… kidding!!!
Girl, I miss the tortillos and cheese-whiz inside the bus…

And I’m so thankful that the three of us are still friends up to this day. Napag-iwanan nga lang ako dito sa Pinas since Gracia is in Canada now and Judelyn is in Dubai (trying to heal a broken heart… nangantiyaw ba?!!!). Salamat sa teknolohiya na nagbi-bridge sa aming tatlo despite the distance… we see to it na nagbabalitaan pa rin kami sa mga nangyayari sa bawat isa… liban kay Jhudz na bihirang magparamdam… Ey!!! Buhay ka pa ba, girl!??

I have also known Tata who introduced me to my pa-demure side
she is such a good listener… ateng-ate talaga;
when Issa & I would talk about boys & all other stuff about boys
she has but just one comment afterwards: “Ano ba yan?”
then the three of us would just doze to sleep... (ngooooorrrrrkkk!)

Karissa completed the circle, the other side of my senti-self;
we would write each other letters despite seeing each other daily,
give each one Certificates of Friendship  as token of goodness.
We would snuggle inside her thermal blanket
as I listen to Tata and her sing our theme song:
“I know your eyes in the morning sun,
I feel you touch me in the pouring rain…”
She was also our fashion artist
forcing Tata  and I sport out mini skirts and short-shorts.

These two ladies, despite the fact that we have lost communication (though I’m really hoping damn hard we would soon find a way to each other’s lives once again…), occupies a special place in my heart… Alala ko pa ang mga nights naming tatlo na kontento na sa pagkukuwentuhan lang ng about our lives… we shared tears and laughters… and they shared to me their beats and songs (kasi pareho silang magaling kumanta’t sumayaw… ako, hindi… my usual role… taga-panood… hahahaha!!!)

In college, there was Vanessa, the other side of my thoughts…
she supplied my gray matter with rich ideas, like:
“Be happy. I’ll try to be – if my heart ain’t dead, yet.”
or her ever famous line which I shall never forget:
“Truth always hurt. Reality is bitter. And life was form with it.
Sometimes we run. Sometimes we hide.
Sometimes the next thing we do is not there to be done. 
It has slipped away.“
and many others which I find myself borrowing in some of my texts.
We would cut classes (twice a sem lang naman) during rainy days
just lying in bed or stare at the stars pag ginabing magkasama
contented sa ganon lang habang kumakain ng fave food niya – cerelac.

Then Maricel came in the picture, the other side of my heart
she taught me how to love unconditionally (medyo blindly)
despite a man’s idiosyncrasies
(remember the yellow circular post-it during Dynamic Psych?)
we would laugh out in silence while we listen to Ma’am Gandeza
as she explains the descriptive analysis of such a person
and would you believe, we have just but one guy in mind…
the man who sits at our back… diddums!

These two women (very very very to the highest maximum level), are both beautiful, sexy, alluring, intelligent, witty, best mothers (mga anak namin, halos magkaka-age, equally magaganda at matatalino… mana sa kanilang mga Ina. Right, sisters!?!) … whatever comes first… (basta lahat ng nabanggit ay description suited sa kanila… I mean, sa aming tatlo), are my best buds until now… magkakalayo man kami, each one is just an email away, a friendster away and a beep away… Whenever we need each other, andiyan pa rin sila… magaling mambola!!! Musta na mga tartel natin? Nyahahahahahaha!!!

I also have Hazel, the other side of my dream… on being a writer,
we may not have been real close in college;
but a writer admires a good writer when she sees one
and I have admired her compositions… real good!
The gift of the senses have pulsated deep within
touched the inner recesses… inspiring… to write without reservations
rewriting life… rebuilding the self… finding the lost… I.

I wish you well, Haze… I mean, the best… You have touched lives of many… children, old, not so old, boys, girls, men, women, people in between, normal, abnormal (labeled by man), sane, insane… yet, you gave yourself in equal denomination – walang pag-aalinlangan… walang selfishness… walang ifs… walang buts… you just give… and now you’re receiving the gifts of giving…

Of course there’s Tere, the mirror of my proud self,
we’re like cat and dog, Tom andJerry, Sylvester and Tweety
or Road Runner and Coyote; but above all, we’re Spongebob and Patrick
that despite differences… away-bati… away-bati… away-bati flicks
friends pa rin kami until the end.
She taught me how to humble myself (hope I did the same thing, too)
showed me that true friendship is never proud nor conceited
but self-effacing… keeping the flag of forgiveness soaring high.

Pero sa totoo lang, miss ko na si Tere (she’s in Dubai, too)… wala na kasi akong nakakatampuhan ngayon… Joke!!! Ibig kong sabihin, wala na akong nauutangan dito… ng Sara Lee, Avon, Dakki, MSE, Boardwalk, Natasha, books… name it, she has it… longganisa, hotdog, mantika, bagoong, suka, bigas, timba, palanggana, ref, DVD, TV, etc… etc… etc… wala siya non… iyong mga huling binanggit… Peace sister! Baka mag-away ulit kami… Hahahahaha!!!

At siyempre, kung may Tere, may Armila, my emotional self;
marinig ko lang ang boses niya (kahit comforting o malumanay o galit)
I easily burst into tears… di ko alam kung bakit.
Maybe because more often than not, we find ourselves in the same path
pag mali ako, she reprimands me (kasi matigas din ang ulo ko),
pag nasa tama naman ako… support pa rin siya
sometime she tolerates my even when I seem to be wrong
because maybe she knows that whatever I do,
I do it for the love of my family (kasi ganon din siya).

Sige na nga, pati si Flor (selct!) na rin idamay ko na…
ang babaeng taga-hatid ligaya, parallel of my humorous self;
she opened my eyes to the reality that life can be a big joke
basta’t marunong ka lang tumawa, nothing is heavy
and that everything shall fall into place when you give fun to life
huwag lang tawa ng tawa para di magmukhang loka-loka!

Pahabol na rin ang maganda kong hipag, si Ate Arjo
she is the reflection of my hormonal imbalance ek-ek;
we cry over petty bits and pieces (kaya?),
mabait kung sa mabait… pero mabait talaga (wala akong masabi…)
pagawan ko kaya siya ng halo to remind her that she’s an angel?
got nothing to say more about her but: Saludo ako sa ‘yo!
pero nungka na gagayahin ko ang kabaitan mo (huh!);
basta kapag tinopak ka as long as wala rin akong topak,
text ka lang. ayt!!!

And last but not the least, Ate Imelda, the other side of my soul;
we’re like twins, like the same stuff (kung meron siya, buy din ako)
ilang items na ba ang magkapareho kami?
from shirts, to bracelets, to cellphone… as in parehong-pareho
salamat sa text at di kami nagsasabay mag-suot ng parehong shirt!
She has also taught me a lot of things
from professionalism to motherhood to personal decisions
that strengthened me as a human being… a woman full of soul;
healing from my pains and brokenness,
forgiving and accepting myself.

These women… I admire them… I adore them… I love them… They have shown me that life is worth living. There may be things that we can no longer do something about, but these are stuff that reality is made of and these women of substance helped me make the best of what there is and be contented while striving for perfection.

And may I just share the “Doses of Sanity” Flor just texted me awhile back:

1. Enjoy life, there’s plenty of time to be dead.
2. Nobody really cares when you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy (People notice you more when you are).
3. If you cannot solve a problem, it is not a problem – it’s reality.
4. Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It’s only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy.
5. Happiness is like perfume; you cannot pour on others without getting a few drops on yourself.

And I’m quite lucky that these women made me saner than I am supposed to be.

     You are inflated, but hollow. Empty. A glimpse of you is stinkingly poisonous – the greatest frustration of psychologists. Your nocuous monosyllables seal your own doom. Your lies – they are solace to your arid trachea.

     You belong in the damp dark forest like a fungus. A stark-raving lunatic – an austere configuration of futility. A paradigm of an impoverished barnacle feeding on others' dignity. Your brain is atrophied. Wanton destructiveness.

     You perfume yourself with your putrid language. You misuse your freedom of expression. Abused it. And now, you walk barefoot on burning bitumen called karma. Making you nothing but a mass of quivering protoplasm.

     You know who you are when you get to read this. Your unconscious will have to speak for you – your conscience, if you have such. You know, that little voice inside you that'll make you feel guilty when you've done something wrong or have told some lies?!? Oooooppppssssss… does that ever ring a bell? Or my words are esoteric? Oh yes! These are intended for you. Try to comprehend even you reach that vertical pointlessness of trying…

     You know Salgado's "Fireless Infierno"? Or his famous "Waterless Ocean"? Call it ironic! Sort of! Big joke? That's you… I mean, more of…

     Hope you get the point. Hope you understand! I really just hope against all damned hope gathered altogether (despite hopelessness…) that you will…

     Pun intended, of course!

     Guy, you've re-channeled my senses. You trapped me. Snapped me out of my comfort zone. Gagged my thoughts with only the memories of you… and the fantasies of you – the coalescence of the past to what is here and now –a stamp collected to encash good feelings I never harbored when there was still us.

     It is futile to argue about the kind of emotions I have for you right now. After the break-up, there was no proof whatsoever that I have this pent-up longing to share a moment with you – even for a sec of meaningful exchange of words – short, yet full of hidden notes, unstrung, accompanied with clandestine glances. Just the mere sight of you made me experience the existence of such intense sensation as real.

     I have never been spending much time thinking than what I do lately. According to Gestalt Theory, my problem now lies on my inability to resolve an "unfinished business" – an unexpressed feelings and unfulfilled yearning (not too sexual though… you know I loved you not out of physical attraction but more of "content" attraction… whatever that means…) – I claim as my own because it's only I who withheld so much way back then…

     But then again, maybe, conceding is the most appropriate dispersion of what there was… and there is…

     Call it cowardice, but I call it love… one true love for me, but wasn't mine to keep… You asked for your freedom then and I knew by heart that you were determined to find your happiness who wasn't me.

     Yah, you got it right! I loved you but I kept the words stuck in my voice box to spare me from further pain… for you were very vocal about your found love. Our last serious conversation was all about that girl who stole you from me… or were you really mine?

     I kept things before… actually kept things to be just my own…

     I entered into a relationship just to save my ego from deeper torture I endured by myself. I had to laugh despite the tears in my heart. I had to fake strength despite myself – almost to break seeing you with roses at one hand while waiting for her at the corridor…

     Alright, I faked my happiness… I faked my emotions… pretending to be in love with the other, but my scheme just complicated my life which has brought me in this realm.

     Okay then, here's the condition… I won't talk. I will keep my part of the story… my silence… unless you ask, that is… if you will. But I'm quite certain you won't… 'coz man!... you are Fritz Pearl's ultimate frustration!

     Duh! At least by now I know, I will have to keep the magic within me…