Coldness That Shivers

Dawn of June 12, 2004

The coldness of day seems endlessly journeying in the portals of my soul – tearing my sanity into bits of agonizing pieces. Darkness is the only luminous sight. Silence is the only audible sound. Both of which, the beat of the heart has succumb to their powers.

Then a voice suddenly whispered to my ear, "Run… run as fast as you can. Run towards the nearing dawn. The night is almost through."

But I cannot move my feet. I wanted to challenge the night to at least break the stars free from the thick clouds of which man calls suffering. Or maybe, I wanted to sneak through the night – for it is the only place where I could feel the happiness of the past that has been grabbed away from me. Or yet maybe, still, I am hoping to find a chance to steal from death my beloved mother who has cradled me from a single cell to what I have become.

But I know that the time is up. Got myself a poor bargain. God has finally decided to take her beside Him – where darkness becomes light, silence becomes music, and death and suffering becomes a pathway of petals and crown of glory.

Yes, the time is up. It has come to an end. God's sun has brought the day… ending the darkness of night. But soon… my night shall befall me.

Somebody might also want to grab my night away from me and bargaining shall be of no value, and God will intercede again…

And by then I shall plead, "Please don't stop the shivering coldness, for it is in this darkness of death that I shall see my Mama once again."

Yes, the time shall soon come where darkness becomes light, silence becomes music, and death and suffering becomes a pathway of petals and crown of glory.

Soon… when my time is up.

Soon…

Ama (Father)

Ama. Hindi ko lubos maintindihan ang plano ng May Likha. Lalo pa at nang mga sandaling naghihirap ang aking Ina sa kanyang karamdaman ay wala sa aming piling ang aking Ama. Kung nasaan siya at kung bakit wala siya ay itatabi ko na lamang at di isisiwalat bilang huling respeto sa alaala niya. Dahil pagbali-baliktarin man ang mundo, Ama ko pa rin siya, gaano mang pighati ang naidulot niya sa amin.

Ama. Lulubog-lilitaw. Siya iyan. Minsan, napaisip din ako na mas maigi yata kung wala siya lagi dahil mas maayos ang buhay… mas tahimik.

Ama. Patawarin nawa niya ako sapagkat inaamin ko na nasok sa isipan ko ang bagay na yaon. Oo! Kung maaari lamang palitan ang bawat himaymay sa aking katauhan na mag-uugnay sa akin sa kanya, gagawin ko. Kahit ang bawat patak ng dugo niyang nananalaytay sa aking mga ugat ay nakaramdam ako ng pandidiri. Ngunit sa kabila ng lahat ng galit at poot na tumutupok sa aking pagkatao, isang bahagi ko ang patuloy na nagmamahal sa kanya… ang aking puso dahil ito lamang ang nakakaramdam sa kaibuturan nito na siya ang aking Ama.

Ama. Nasambot ko rin minsan na di kita mapapatawad. Di ko malilimot ang lahat ng iyong ginawa. Ipinaubaya ko na sa Poon ang aking kaluluwa dahil sa mga pagkakataong nakikita ko ang lumbay sa mga mata ni Ina, higit na makapangyarihan ang aking galit. Umabot sa puntong, walang-wala akong makapang pagpapatawad para sa kanya. Bahala na ang Diyos sa akin. Patawarin nawa Niya ako.

Ah! Pagpapatawad. Hindi marurok malimit sa hindi ang disenyo ng Poon sa ating buhay. Ngunit sumagi sa aking isipan na maaaring sa pagpanaw ng aking Ama lamang namin masusumpungan ang pagpapatawad.

Tama! Si Ina ang nasubaybayan namin sa kanyang pakikibaka sa Cancer. Naglaro pa nga sa aking imahinasyon ang tagpong nakaburol na si Ina at magpapakita si Ama sa kanyang libing. Sinasabi ng aking pusong anak pa ring maituturing na ang aking Ama ay may karapatan upang magluksa rin. Subalit kaakibat ng gayong pakiramdam ay ang hinanakit na nais ipagtabuyan si Ama.

Ngunit pinaglaruan kami ng kapalaran. Itinadhanang maunang mamayapa si Ama. Laking gulat namin noon. Ang animong galak ay walang pasubaling bigat ng kalooban. Sapagkat sa pagbabalik ni Ama… ang aming muling pagkikita ay di tulad sa mga eksenang naglaro sa aking isipan, kundi isa na siyang malamig na bangkay.

Panunumbat? Mayroon. Sapagkat nang-iwan na nga siya, heto at nagbalik ngunit tuluyan nang mawawala. Ang kaibahan nga lang ngayon, alam namin kung saan siya matatagpuan.

Pero bakit nga ba ganito ang buhay? Masama ba akong anak? Wala ba akong kuwentang tao sa aking nakaraan? Sana'y nakapag-usap kami ni Ama. Sana'y sa kanyang pagbalik ay di siya isang malamig na nilalang. Sana'y nagkasama-sama pa kami bago niya nilisan ang mundo at bago pumanaw si Ina. Sana'y nakapagpatawaran pa kami. Sana'y nabuo pa kami… isang pamilya, nawatak ngunit nagkasama-samang muli… naging masaya, kahit sansaglit.

Ah! napakaraming sana. Ngunit hanggang pangarap na lamang ang lahat. Wala nang patutunguhan ang mga pagsisisi. Ang Diyos na lamang ang mag-uugnay sa amin. Nawa'y naipa-abot ng aking mga panangis ang aking dalamhati… ang pagpapatawad at ang aming pagmamahal.

Di ko lubos maisip na sa ganito hahantong ang lahat. Kamatayan ni Ina noon ang aming hinihintay datapwat ang sa iyo pala'y mauuna pa sa kanya.

Kapalaran. Di ko mawari. Sadyang mapaglaro ang buhay.

Napakasakit ng ating muling pagkikita-kita. Napakasaklap. Ubod ng hapdi ang sugat na naiwan nating nakatiwangwang… naiwan sa bawat-isa. Anong pait. Nawa'y paghilumin ng Diyos ang sugat na ito.

Nais ka man naming yakapin. Nais ka man naming hagkan. Nais man nating iparating sa bawat isa ang pagpapatawad at bigkasin ang pagmamahal na tinabunan ng sanlaksang hinanakit, huli na… 

Aking Ama… patawad…

Patawad sa mga pagkukulang. Patawad sa paghihimagsik ng kalooban. Patawad sa mga masasakit na salitang nabitawan. Patawad sa mga panahong nasayang.

Ipanatag mo rin ang iyong kalooba't kaluluwa, pagkat napatawad ka na rin namin. Nawa'y magaan ang iyong paglalakbay patungo sa dako pa roon ng buhay. Ngayon, ang tangi kong panalangin ay ang iyong katahimikan. Nawa'y naakay ka ng Diyos sa Kanyang kanlungan. At sa muling pagku-krus ng landas ninyo ni Ina, nawa'y makapa pa rin ninyo sa inyong mga puso ang pagmamahalang minsan ninyong pinagtibay. At sa tahanang ipinagkaloob ng Poon, kayo nawa'y panghabang-buhay nang magmamahalan. 

Pinutol ko ang recollection ko about Mama in my previous CABAnata dahil nanlalabo na ang aking paningin sa di maampat-ampat na pagtulo ng aking luha. While re-writing this part of my life, despite the number of years, I still can feel in its most vivid form the pain I felt four years ago. Kaya ngayon ko na lang ulit ikukuwento at sa paudlot-udlot pang paraan. And so again, I go back to that day…

10:45. We were ordered to go to the second floor where Dr. Luisa Ordoño was waiting for Mama. Yes, she's expecting her. And who knows who else is waiting for Mama. Or should I say, what else awaits Mama.

The doctor welcomed us with a compassionate smile. They started the procedure. I was asked to go out of the room. I waited. Have you noticed how many times I have waited? Now I'm starting to hate the time element. It's dragging me to insanity. Bad thoughts do their thing everytime I'm waiting there all alone.

I felt the presence of death at the sight of Mama's chemotherapy room by merely looking at the closed door. After a while, I hated the emptiness I felt. And I hated being there. Even cursing my brother for leaving. It seemed to me that I had all the burden of torture all dangling at my back.

After an hour of painful agony, the doctor called me in. we started talking but even I could not hear my own voice. My thoughts were wandering about the fragile figure behind the curtain next to the doctor's table.  I can trace the silhouette of tube from Mama's arms to the hanging vial above her head. I can imagine the red liquid traveling in her weak veins. Killing not just the cancer cells but each and every healthy cell in her system. I hear my heartbeat like newly beheaded elephants if there's such. I can almost feel it about to erupt in my throat. Then I nervously handed to her the ultrasound test result.

Then there it was! The infallible confirmation of the painful truth signaled by the doctor's sudden change of facial expression – the meeting of brows and the constant movement of her head from side to side, the non-verbal cues made my heart thump even harder… even louder… even faster. And in slow motion like from TV drama series, Dr. Ordoño spilled out the reality I've been fearing to hear. And I wanted to squeeze the doctor's neck when she pragmatically told me Mama had only six months to live.

I thought then that a bomb just blew infront of me. or a thunder signaled the earth to open and engulfed me. But I now realize, nothing is more painful than what the doctor just said. Nothing is worse than predetermining the death of my beloved mother.

"You are not God! How dare you limit my Mama's life! How unfeeling you are to be so utterly frank!" But my thoughts worked faster than my mouth, it didn't have a single chance to burst out what's inside my heart… my mind and my soul.

Then the room grew so quiet I could hear Mama's tired breathing at the other side of the room. I started bargaining… hopelessly… for the life of my mother. But my tongue seemed caught up somewhere in my esophagus and it took me sometime to extricate it and find my own voice. But then again, I felt if I say a word, I would just break into tears and that's one last thing I want to happen especially so when Mama is around. So I decided I'd rather not open my mouth. I end up just staring blankly at the doctor.

After sometime, I regained my strength to activate my vocal cords. My cramping muscles finally found their state. I spoke up. But as I'm recalling that moment when I finally had the courage to say a word, I can't remember what I said. All I can think of are the stunning feelings of pain… of hatred… of anger… To whom? To what? To which? I'm not sure of…

The procedure was through. I engulfed Mama's hands in mine as we went down the stairs. Her tired eyes looked back at me. I stared and saw within their depths the loneliness inside. I clasped her hand even tighter trying to take-off its chill. I didn't know what to say.

Ronald arrived and we headed home. On our way, I broke the news when she asked. At first, I was hesitant. I wanted to lie. But what for? I wanted to be honest. The kind of honesty she deserves. I know this honesty would break her. But deep in my heart, I know, I was doing the best thing.

After a few minutes of speechlessness, she said a word – an offering to God. She was about to say another line but she suddenly threw her hands in faithful surrender to the will of God and heaved a sigh with a smile, tears on both sides of her eyes. Her smile is carefully hiding a cheerful hollowness. How ironic, but that was what I saw. An empty look which broke my heart and makes me question the giftedness of life. But at one end, there is a grateful recognition of one great power who lovingly designed her path that led her to Him.

The entire day and the days after that day passed in a stupor.

One night, I had a dream. I was trying to go against the current, setting assail in my boat which was borne back ceaselessly – paddling towards life. But the darkness of death's tunnel is like whirling water pulling Mama away from us. I shouted until my throat started to sore. Then she was gone in the dark. Gone… gone… gone…

I suddenly woke up. My breathing erratically fearful. I gasped for my breath. Everything seemed so real. The bluish-violet in Mama's skin. The blood. The look in Mama's eyes. The touch of her warmth when I tried to pull her close to me. I reached for water and started to say a prayer. Then my thoughts drifted back to the past years. The happiness and the hardships we have been through. Every single moment. Every single smile. Every single tear.

Then there I was, wallowing in amorphous anguish and hatred… and rebellion… to God's ultimate betrayal from my having faith to Him – a good God so they call Him, but why? Why now? Why Mama? Yet at the back of my mind, it's not what I really wanted to do; but it was more attractive than facing the reality of mama's death. Because of such feelings and sordid thoughts, I felt as though I was nothing. That I was less than a worm creeping underneath the earth to feed myself of my own putrid thoughts.

Then reality hit me.

The way of the world: Ashes to ashes. That, I should accept. But still, reality is like a fetid alley I don't want to get through it as much as I can. It gets into my soul like fork grating across a blackboard.

Again another voice tells me (like the way I read it from a book, I think by Zafra) that life is a continuum of pain suspended only by death.

"Is it better this way?", I asked.

"Yes!", He powerfully said.

"Why?"

"Because this will end everything your Mama had been through. She'll be happy where I'll lead her, I assure you. I am paying back all the hurt I have caused her to endure. Let her be… Let her go…"

The assurance pacified my aching soul. Then I went back to sleep.

Now, I have not fully recovered but I have slowly accepted Mama's death. It's difficult though.

"Mama, I bid you goodbye!"

"Tant dis pur toi." So much the worse for you. Rest now my Mama.

And I thank you for the love you put inside my heart with which I will share with others still, especially to my two little girls who sleep here beside me – so weak, so fragile… they need my strength and my love to live on in this great big world.

Thank you Mama. "Tant dis pur toi!" Goodbye Mama. Rest now… Rest now…

At tulad ng lahat ng buhay dito sa mundong ibabaw, hindi lahat ay purong kaligayahan, saya, tuwa, achievement, success, gladness, ecstasy… indeed there is no total bliss. Bakit ganito ang tono ng aking tema ngayong araw na ito. Well, like what I have mentioned in my previous CABAnata, I was pregnant with Bea then when we learned that Mama had a BIG C. Buti sana kung na-discover siya earlier, but unfortunately, Mama's breast cancer was already stage IV – in it's final pace – when we found out. The oat cells already metastasized in her lungs and liver, both of which are made of soft tissues that can be easily destroyed by the killer CA cells.

My story of this painful event in my life, I wrote in my prose A Microcosm of Life (sorry Vanessa, I borrowed your terms, though I know you would understand). Read on…

A Microcosm of Life

August 25, 2003. At around 6:30 a.m., I woke up with the usual sight of Bea – her cute muscled feet on top of flabby tummy. And a trace of milk at the side of her lips. Ah! What a wonderful sight to behold. If only I could freeze the hands of time. but I know, the day has just began.

I pulled my body to stand up. I feel terribly heavy. It's as if I'm carrying tons of loads. I dragged my feet to the CR. Took a bath and put on my Monday uniform. I kissed Bea goodbye for the day. Hugged her close to me. as if drawing strength and inspiration  from her little body. Her warmth against my breast made me realize that despite the burden I am containing within me, an angel is there for me – painting a smile on my saddened face everytime I look at her. And this baby – a more fragile soul is also drawing strength from me – strength and wisdom in facing the big world spread forth in front of her; so I should be strong. I should not let problems knock me off.

So I head on…

I arrived home at 7:30 (Mama's house where I used to live and have grown and have been loved). Mama is still taking a bath. So I waited. I wasn't sure then if time was a friend or the enemy.

9:00 a.m. Lorma Medical Center. The hallways seem torn and bloody as a battlefield. I knew a number of bodies die there everyday. A hundred souls might still be roaming around peacelessly – haven't accepted their death. I hear voices uttering strange garbled noises. But I know, deep within me, these are all merely auditory illusions.

The nurse said we'll just wait until 10:30 for the doctor to arrive. So Yamoj got off his feet and headed to the canteen. I suddenly felt the pang of hunger made a terrible bite on the thin walls of my stomach.

While eating, Yamoj spilled his usual lines of funny stuff. But I cannot even exert some forced effort to just smile. Though Mama laughed. I was expecting her laugh to be the usual laugh she is known of – full of life and animation. But there was none. All I heard was a different note. It was a strange laugh, completely devoid of mirth. "Je-ne-sais-quoi?" I really don't know what? But I'm quite certain that something was wrong. That something would come. Something I need not guess but it will come. The thoughts drifted away… so much too quickly gone. I just also hope this something will be over soon… sooner before it'll happen.

Again, my thoughts drifted… so much too quickly gone… gone… gone…

Ronald and I got married in July 28, 2001. I got pregnant in summer of 2002. Imagine my pain thinking I could never bear a child and give my husband the happiness of a complete home. At buwan-buwan, kapag pumalya lang ng ilang araw ang pagdating ng aking menstruation ay bumibili na agad ako ng pregnancy test kit. At anong sakit dahil ang kagalakan ay mapapalitan kapagdaka ng sanlaksang kalungkutan. Kahungkagan. Iyak ako ng iyak. Walang araw at gabi na ipinagdasal ko na sana mabiyayaan na kami ng kahit isang supling man lamang. At nang mapagod ako sa pagdarasal, nagsimula kong kamuhian at kuwestiyonin ang plano ng Panginoon para sa aming mag-asawa. At tuwing nakakapanood ako sa telebisyon ng mga batang napapabayaan o mga sanggol na intentionally ay iniiwan ng mga ina sa kung saang sulok ng kalye at simbahan at mga walang-kaluluwang ina-abort ang kaawa-awang nilalang sa kanilang sinapupunan, lalong napagtitibay ang aking pagkamuhi. Kung kanino at para saan, hindi ko alam.

Hanggang ultimo mga tula ko ay puno ng mga hinanakit (Refer to Mangoes, Bamboos and Poems – Mama's Unborn, and Mga Tula ni Gabriela – Kahilingan… both poems I made while I was too depressed to even go to mass, I put all the blame to my Creator). Kakulangan ng pag-asa. Pananampalataya? Pananalig? Nagkulang ako niyan. At ihiningi ko ito ng kapatawaran. Salamat pa rin sa aking mahal na kabiyak na patuloy sa pag-unawa. Patuloy na nagmamahal. At patuloy na nananalig. Hanggang sa kami'y mabiyayaan ng anak.

Salamat din sa isa naming ninang sa kasal na nagboluntaryong sagutin ang aming complete reproductive check-up. At nalaman namin kung saan ang aming problema. And fortunate enough, after a three-month fertility work out with Dr. Abilaine Ang (my OB), I got pregnant. Now you can just imagine the joy Ronald and I felt when in May I did not menstruate. At nang gumamit ako ng pregnancy test kit for the n^th time at lumabas ang dalawang guhit na matagal na naming inaasam-asam ay anong saya namin. Tinawagan agad ni Ronald ang kanyang mga kapatid na may luha ng kagalakan sa kanyang mga mata.

Tuwang-tuwa ang lahat para sa amin. At kung gaano ako inalagaan nina Mama, Nanay at Tatay noon, mas inalagaan pa nila ako nang magbuntis ako. Now I smile in the memory of Tatay (Ronald's father) na kung noon ay pinagluluto niya ako ng agahan at baon sa eskuwela at pinagpapakulo ng panligo, nang ako'y magbuntis, kulang na lang ay subuan niya ako at timplado na ang panligo ko pagkatapos kumain. One time while having breakfast, he came out of his room waering a thick jacket, still shivering from fever, he said, "May naluto na bang babaunin si Maria?" ain't that so sweet? May sakit na't lahat si Tatay, kapakanan ko pa rin ang iniisip niya. At kapag gumagana ang kapilyuhan ng aking asawa at hilig niya akong gelatin, nakakarinig siya ng pagsaway kay Tatay. Hay! Miss ko si Tatay dahil siya ang kakampi ko kapag nang-aaway ang pilyo niyang anak.

Si Nanay naman (my mother-in-law), parang New Year at kinumpleto yata ang 13 na uri ng prutas para ipakain sa akin. Mabuti naman at hindi niya ipinilit sa akin ang okra. Hahahahaha!!! At si Mama, super excited maging lola. Kahit nagke-chemo na siya noon ay nagtatabi pa siya ng pera pambili ng mga gamit ng baby.

At si Ronald, kulang na lang ay paliguan pa ako at buhatin para daw hindi ako matapilok dahil alam niya kung gaano ako ka-clumsy. Actually, may pagka-piki kasi ako kaya madali akong madapa. Kung mag-text ang bruho, minu-minuto. Feeling ko talaga noon, di ako ang concern niya kundi ang baby sa sinapupunan ko. Pero siyempre, kasama iyon sa package deal.

At nang malapit na akong manganak, sanlibo't sanglaksang saya ang nadarama ko. Naming mag-asawa. At lahat ng ito ay sinubukan kong ipaloob sa mga tulang nilikha ko. You can refer to Mangoes, Bamboos and Poems for the following poems (composed for Beatrice and Gabrielle, my second baby after almost four years):

1. Fruit of Love
2. Connection
3. Papa just can’t wait
4. My Children
5. Dear Bea, Dear Gaby
 

Ngayon, di lang isang anghel ang ipinaubaya sa aming pangangalaga kundi dalawang makukulit na anghel. My simple pleasures? Seeing Bea so big now, holding her sister's hands while they sleep. Ateng-ate ang lukring. At ang ama, package deal na rin sa naghahatid ligaya sa akin. Hearing their laughter is music to my ears. They bring so much joy that I sometimes find myself awake, staring at them in the middle of the night… listening to the sound of their rhythmic heartbeat and gentle breathing (snoring ni Ronald, rock music sa pandinig ko) with tears welling from my eyes. Then I whisper a silent prayer, "Thank you, Lord!" is all I can say.

Before I move on any further discussing my profession, let me relate to you another part of my life where I learned the virtue of my being and humility and pardon and acceptance and patience and reverence.

I have always been wondering what life was meant for me. And oftentimes I end up concluding there was none.

When I was in grade school, I had no plans for myself. Like what I have always said in my previous CABAnatas, it was enough for me that I get to make ubos my panindang isang ice box ng kinulayang ice candy from my elementary school teachers. I had no dreams. No "when-I-grow-up-I-want-to-become" stuff. Que-sera-sera was the only song stirring my motivations to just go on. Young as I was, I can already understand that my parents weren't in good terms. My mother grabbed us from the comforts of Baguio City and compelled us to live harmoniously with our oldies despite the sometimes undesirable words of wisdom we receive from our lolo (in fairness, kapag nalalsing lang si lolo, if not naman, he is very generous and loving). And with all the unfortunate occurrences in my life as a growing up lass, all that was important for me then was to get high grades, won contests, and defeat them all; not just to let my parents feel proud of me, but also to make me feel that I am better than someone else. It just so happened that I did all these effortlessly because so people say, "I'm really good!" I'm not bragging or anything. Maybe I just got the good genes my parents and ancestors got to share in this world. Father side, they're really brilliant academically so to speak. My aunts are Math and Physics Teachers and Professors, Engineer and Accountant with more than one Baccalaureate degrees (one aunt has two PhD's). Mother side, they might all be petite, but they have soft fair skin and not so ordinary looks. Seem to get the best combination, eh… except the height.

But was I a secured child?

Nah! I was in total wreckage because I hadn't had that chance to feel the security of a complete home. That is, father and mother living amicably together. So I loved being praised. I get to have that security when people flatter me. Affirming that I was both beauty and brain… and that was good enough for me (for a moment though) while I was still in a search for meaning of all the things that I was doing. But as I have said, I find no meaning in the numerous medals all piled up in my neck every end of the school year. Because when I collapse in my four-cornered resting ground, I feel empty.

And when I went to high school, guys came fuming around like bees at work. That boosted my ego even more. There was challenge. There was competition on the other. I compared myself to almost any girl in school – girls who in one way or the other a degree prettier that I am or one score brighter than I was – that may trample my pride. Surely there were a couple of ladies more intelligent than I am, but no guy dared look for the second time, you may guess why. And of course, there's a dozen or so more beautiful faces (that's for a fact), but unfortunately, logic and comprehension were beyond their intellectual hemisphere. That made me even prouder… because what they don't have… I got them both! And I was more than glad.

Then there was I in college – small me in a big university. And the more competitions, I found out. I got drowned in my own insecurities. Intelligence may not be out of the question. But my… I gulped in all the guts I so carefully stored in my system. All lost. Demolished altogether. I may not have seen my name printed in the school papers or in the Dean's List (damn that prof in Physics!) but I was still in the top 10% of the Human Sci graduates. Good enough. I also never ran out of suitors. I received flowers and chocolates almost every day. Fair enough. I had a boyfriend. Dumped him for some reason. Then got another. Seemingly dumped me for another. His loss. Then had another. We dreamt of forever. But love wasn't just enough to reach that eternity. Then I met that one true love. But I was never contented. "Was-I-happy?" remained a question – a question unanswered.

Then I landed into a job just right after graduation. The administrators treated me almost fairly well. Others even envied me, for young as I was, and new in the field, the higher-ups trusted me. They gave me responsibilities that are only delivered by a pro. I did not fail them. They said I was good. Really good. That made some of my colleagues even more jealous of me. And after three years of proving myself, I remained tough and gained their respect and money for my family. But something was missing. I moved on and transferred to another school.

Before then I got married in July 28, 2001 with my beloved Ronald. Some questioned my decision, my family included, but stubborn and firm that I am, the marriage came through. Who cares anyway? This is my life. My happiness. And who would dare judge the purity of intentions and depth of love my dearest hubby has for me? He is that one person who understands me with all my insecurities and feigned pride. A realization I had after making our life as a couple miserable because of my selfishness and insensitivity and impatience and smugness and all that blackened tinge of who I am. I almost blew that love made in Heaven to bits and bits of teardrops and pain.

There was a major episode in our love story that changed all my perspectives in life. I was impulsive. Stubborn. I was sensitive for my feelings but unfeeling of Ronald's emotions. I only listened to myself. I was proud but remained envious of what others have that I don't. Especially so when after almost a year, we were still not blessed with a child despite and in spite of all the prayers, I almost begged for a child. I was almost cursing the Lord for not granting us the child we want when there are a number of women out there aborting that little life throbbing inside their wombs. I question Him, "Why not give that baby to me?" See… I was nothing compared to who I project I am. I was no good to anyone, especially to my husband. I am a nobody, I thought. A hollow woman who loved no one but myself. My happiness was my only goal in life, if there really was. The more I shammed my happiness, the more it grew further away from me – because I was never worthy of it. I never knew how is it to fully love – funny! But I have always claimed I did know how to love. I got hurt. Was it love? Perhaps it was sheer wounded pride. A bruised ego. 

All these recognition of the mistakes I have done was because of Ronald. He has showed the real me; yet remained beside me and loved me for what I am and who I am and I am not. He placed a mirror in front of me that I may see the "fork-and-tail" image of myself – not to put me down or destroy me like other people have been doing or might have done in any way as far as I can remember, but to rebuild me into a new and better person I thought I was never capable of becoming.

Then there was I… challenged by the love Ronald offered me. I am determined. I don't say I am now perfect. But I am trying. I don't say I have completely eradicated the "bad" me, but I'm struggling. I don't say our life as a couple is a bed of roses. Because roses have thorns. I am not alone though when I am hurt or when I feel down or insecured. I have now found someone who constantly inspires me to be who I really am and give meaning to my every stride.

I did not finish my Master's degree all by myself. The more that I did not win as Best Thesis alone. The idea of my title puffed in my mind somewhere because I experienced myself the interplay of those same variables and molded me to be who I am with Ronald making those facts available in my information bank. My data was completed because Ronald carefully filled in every cell in my blank table. I could have not patiently beat the deadline in those tormenting nights without him by my side, with a glass of hot milk or coffee to keep me up and the sumptuous meals he has prepared to nourish my decaying brain that every once in a while stop in momentary stupor.

I should have not pushed through with yet another Master's degree in Special Education if not for his encouragement and earned those units in Education. He was always there, giving a push. Telling me I'm good. Saying I can be the best in every endeavor I undertake. He takes good care of me and our kids the way I wished I was taken cared of by my own father. 

I could have not been a proud mother of my two cute and loving little angels if it weren't for Ronald who provided the complementary gene in my own gene pool to come out with such little girls – the focus of my profoundest hormonal affection (their father included, of course).

I should have been the same bitchy me if Ronald hasn't crossed my life space. I am never the same again because of him. My life has found more meaning and reason and all the beautiful and colorful hues of amber and bright scarlet and shades of crimson and some velvety stuff this world is made of.

Complete?

I may not be… but I am almost there.

Kay bilis ng mga pangyayari… nasa CABAnata 27 na ako. At medyo seryoso na ako.

May nagtanong sa akin ulit kahapon, at to the n^th time ay sinagot ko naman with flying colors… muntik ko ngang palakpakan ang sarili ko sa ganda at laman ng aking sagot. Datapwat hindi naarok ng taong nagtanong ang aking sagot. Paano nga ba naman niya ako maiintindihan samantalang ang mga mata niya ay nakatutok sa telebisyon habang naglalaway sa ka-guwapuhan daw ni Richard Gutierrez sa Lupin (kung di mo alam ito… di ka KAPUSO!)

Kung kaya't sa inyo ko na lang sasabihin ang aking mga pinagsasabi tutal halos ka-tema lang naman ito ng aking mga nakaraang CABAnata.

Ang kanyang tanong:

"Ano ang ginagawa mo sa school?"

Sagot ko:

"Guidance Counselor nga ako, di ba?"

Tanong ulit:

"Ano iyon? Pinapagalitan mo ang mga batang may kasalanan?"

Uuuuuuuutttt!!!

Wrong!

This is the usual misconception kapag Guidance Counselor ka at pinapunta ka ng teacher mo sa Guidance Office at nalaman ng nanay mo na ni-refer ka sa Guidance Counselor o nakita ng mga classmates mong chikadora at chikadoro na pumasok ka sa Guidance Office o nakita ng principal mong lumabas ka sa Guidance Office o nakarating sa mga kapitbahay mong dalahira at kapwa walang nalalaman na ipinatawag ka sa Guidance Office for routinary interview-counseling. Whatever that is… hear me out and I will explain clearly what transpires inside a Guidance Office, particularly in my counseling cubicle – my haven…

The Interview

1.      Establish rapport. What is this?

Rapport according to my pink manual refers to a condition of mutual understanding, respect and sustained interest between individuals.

Well, according to me, ito iyong dapat pagpasok ng isang bata sa Guidance Office ay sasalubungin mo siya ng kaiga-igayang ngiti na animo di ka kailanman nakakaramdam ng pagka-badtrip kahit barado na ang ilong mo sa sipon.

Ito rin iyong habang nagkukuwento ang kliyente mo ay animo intinding-intindi mo ang pinagdaraanan niya kahit nais mo na siyang sungangain sa katangahan niya o undayan ng suntok dahil ubod siya ng pagka-conceited, feeling niya siya lang ang tama gayong mas maliwanag pa sa araw na 105% ay siya ang may problema.

Mutual understanding ika nga… so ibig sabihin nito ay dada ka ng dada at feeling mo rin naiintindihan ng counselee mo ang pinagtatalak mo sa harap niya ngunit in reality ay wala ka ring kuwentang kausap.

Respect. Sustained interest. Kahit antok na antok ka na at kulang na lang ay humilata ka sa pagkakasalampak mo sa iyong swivel chair o muntik-muntikan ka nang humilik to the max ay sige pa rin ang pakikinig mo na animo'y super dooper interesado ka sa mga sinasabi ng counselee mo.

Dapat talaga, maiparamdam mo ang acceotance sa bata upang mag-open siya sa iyo at lapitan ka niya ulit. Disclosure is very important because without it, no counseling process shall be taking place and no matter how brilliant you are as a counselor that you have memorized in-to-to the different counseling approaches, nakapagtapos ng maraming Master's degree at Doctorate degree sa Counseling Psychology o Guidance and Counseling o Clinical Psychology pa at isama pa diyan ang sandamukal mong awards at certificates sa lahat ng in-attend-an mong training-seminars at plake bilang Guest of Honor and Speaker at sa pagiging Best Thesis mong gaya ko at hindi ka rin lang kasing cute at lovable ko, you will never succeed. Intyendes?!

So you can just imagine the power of a counselor's warm smile… magaling ako diyan… warm smile…

Iyong susunod na part ng interview session, next CABAnata na lang… antok na ako eh.

Kung noong Huwebes si PJ ang aming ihinatid sa kanyang huling himlayan, kanina naman ay si Nanang Aurelia, ang butihing ina ni Ate Em na halos mag-iisang taon nang labas masok sa hospital. Hindi nga ba't noong nakaraang lingo ay naikuwento ko pa siya na naghihirap na at kasama pa ni Mother Alexis sa Bethany.

Noong Sabado nga ay hinigit na niya ang kanyang huling hininga sa piling ng kanyang mga mahal sa buhay.

Maagang-maaga ang text ni Ate Em sa akin. She said she won't be able to attend her class sa graduate college because Nanang is already in crisis and she wants to be with her when her time is up. And at half past ten in the morning of Saturday, Nanang left this part of the horizon. At least peacefully because her children are now all professionals.

Nang Makita ko si Ate Em na pirmi sa pag-iyak, I cannot help myself but cry, too. Patawarin at di dahil sa ipinipighati niyang kamatayan ng kanyang ina ang aking iniiyakan kundi ang sakit na hanggang ngayon ay ramdam ko pa rin – ang kamatayan ng sarili kong pinakamamahal na ina.

Naisip ko rin ang aking tita sa US na na-diagnose of having a "Valley fever", isang fungal infection na nakukuha sa lupa at malimit sa Amerika at Arizona matatagpuan, in loose soil. Wala pa itong gamot sabi nila. Palliative lang. symptoms lang ang ginagamot. May anti-fungal medication din si tita pero just to arrest the spread of the fungus that was located between her heart and lungs.  She will forever carry that damned fungus. Sana lang walang masamang mangyayari sa kanya kasi traydor kung umatake ang diyaskeng fungus.

Pero kung may bad news, my good news din naman. Okay na si Chaba, ang anak nina Jing at Kiko who is just barely three years old. He was suspected to have meningitis. Kahapon lang nakumpleto ang tests na ginawa sa kanya to eradicate the suspect of such killer –itis. Grabe din ang pinagdaanan ng mag-asawa kong friend na ito. I was also in constant prayer for Chaba. Biruin mo, caught in a traffic jam, the child already had seizure inside the car, jaws are locking and Jing was in hysteric to let their boy be taken to St. Luke's and be safe. She felt she almost lost their son. Good thing a traffic enforcer accompanied them with his siren to the ER.

I can just feel Jing's shaking body against her son's. Shaking in terror. Fear of losing a dear son. The other night, Chaba had already eaten. Yesterday, he ate a complete meal. Now I'm waiting for the news of his discharge from confinement for almost a week.

Indeed, a mother's pain cannot be questioned kapag anak na niya ang nasasaktan. This is Maricel's pain, too, when Aya was placed in that box of reading glasses where she was too at a very young age and she wasn't able to enjoy the beauty of every color and hue and shade that brings life in this world. At ganyan din ang nararamdaman ko at ng aking pinsan at ng aking hipag sa aming mga bulinggits who were all diagnosed to have G6PD Deficiency or Glucose 6 Phosphate Dehydrogenase – an RBC content deficit in our children. The result of which can be deadly kapag nakakain ng mga bawal na pagkain like soya, legumes and their family, mint/menthol and would take in drugs containing some chemical with the –quine family. Pero what is G6PD ba talaga? Read on… cut and paste ko na lang from the net the discussion on Gabrielle's condition:

G6PD deficiency is an inherited condition in which the body doesn't have enough of the enzyme glucose-6-phosphate dehydrogenase, or G6PD, which helps red blood cells (RBCs) function normally. This deficiency can cause hemolytic anemia, usually after exposure to certain medications, foods, or even infections.

Most people with G6PD deficiency don't have any symptoms, while others develop symptoms of anemia only after RBCs have been destroyed, a condition called hemolysis. In these cases, the symptoms disappear once the cause, or trigger, is removed. In rare cases, G6PD deficiency leads to chronic anemia.

With the right precautions, a child with G6PD deficiency can lead a healthy and active life.

About G6PD Deficiency

G6PD is one of many enzymes that help the body process carbohydrates and turn them into energy. G6PD also protects red blood cells from potentially harmful byproducts that can accumulate when a person takes certain medications or when the body is fighting an infection.

In people with G6PD deficiency, either the RBCs do not make enough G6PD or what is produced cannot properly function. Without enough G6PD to protect them, RBCs can be damaged or destroyed. Hemolytic anemia occurs when the bone marrow (the soft, spongy part of the bone that produces new blood cells) cannot compensate for this destruction by increasing its production of RBCs.

Causes of G6PD Deficiency

G6PD deficiency is passed along in genes from one or both parents to a child. The gene responsible for this deficiency is on the X chromosome.

G6PD deficiency is most common in African-American males. Many African-American females are carriers of G6PD deficiency, meaning they can pass the gene for the deficiency to their children but do not have symptoms; only a few are actually affected by G6PD deficiency.

People of Mediterranean heritage, including Italians, Greeks, Arabs, and Sephardic Jews, also are commonly affected. The severity of G6PD deficiency varies among these groups — it tends to be milder in African-Americans and more severe in people of Mediterranean descent.

Why does G6PD deficiency occur more often in certain groups of people? It is known that Africa and the Mediterranean basin are high-risk areas for the infectious disease malaria. Researchers have found evidence that the parasite that causes this disease does not survive well in G6PD-deficient cells. So they believe that the deficiency may have developed as a protection against malaria.

G6PD Deficiency Symptom Triggers

Kids with G6PD deficiency typically do not show any symptoms of the disorder until their red blood cells are exposed to certain triggers, which can be:

• illness, such as bacterial and viral infections
• certain painkillers and fever-reducing drugs
• certain antibiotics (especially those that have "sulf" in their names)
• certain antimalarial drugs (especially those that have "quine" in their names)

Some kids with G6PD deficiency can tolerate the medications in small amounts; others cannot take them at all. Check with your doctor for more specific instructions, as well as a complete list of medications that could pose a problem for a child with G6PD deficiency.

Other substances can be harmful to kids with this condition when consumed — or even touched — such as fava beans and naphthalene (a chemical found in mothballs and moth crystals). Mothballs can be particularly harmful if a child accidentally swallows one, so ANY contact should be avoided.

Symptoms of G6PD Deficiency

A child with G6PD deficiency who is exposed to a medication or infection that triggers the destruction of RBCs may have no symptoms at all. In more serious cases, a child may exhibit symptoms of anemia (also known as a hemolytic crisis), including:

• paleness (in darker-skinned children paleness is sometimes best seen in the mouth, especially on the lips or tongue)
• extreme tiredness
• rapid heartbeat
• rapid breathing or shortness of breath
• jaundice, or yellowing of the skin and eyes, particularly in newborns
• an enlarged spleen
• dark, tea-colored urine

Once the trigger is removed or resolved, the symptoms of G6PD deficiency usually disappear fairly quickly, typically within a few weeks.

If symptoms are mild, no medical treatment is usually needed. As the body naturally makes new red blood cells, the anemia will improve. If symptoms are more severe, a child may need to be hospitalized for supportive medical care.

Diagnosing and Treating G6PD Deficiency

In most cases, cases of G6PD deficiency go undiagnosed until a child develops symptoms. If doctors suspect G6PD deficiency, blood tests usually are done to confirm the diagnosis and to rule out other possible causes of the anemia.

If you feel that your child may be at risk because of either a family history or your ethnic background, talk to your doctor about performing a screening with blood tests to check for G6PD deficiency.

Treating the symptoms associated with G6PD deficiency is usually as simple as removing the trigger — that is, treating the illness or infection or stopping the use of a certain drug. However, a child with severe anemia may require treatment in the hospital to receive oxygen, fluids, and, if needed, a transfusion of healthy blood cells. In rare cases, the deficiency can lead to other more serious health problems.

Caring for Your Child

The best way to care for a child with G6PD deficiency is to limit exposure to the triggers of its symptoms. With the proper precautions, G6PD deficiency should not keep your child from living a healthy, active life.

Reviewed by: Elana Pearl Ben-Joseph, MD
Date reviewed: August 2006

Pero ano nga ba ang Guidance and Counseling?

Ano ang ginagawa ng isang Guidance Counselor?

Guidance and Counseling according to Peters and Shertzer is a process of helping the individual to understand himself and his world so that he can utilize his potentials.

In short, ito ay isang proseso o pamamaraan upang matulungan ang isang tao na huwag magpaka-hangal at magpakatanga – magpaka-bobo gayong mayroon naman siyang kakayahang ipinagkaloob sa kanya upang maiwasan ang mauto ng ibang tao o maging biktima ng mga sitwasyong kinapapalooban niya.

Mali pala ako doon… I should have said… IN LONG… di hamak namang mas mahaba ang aking pagkaka-esplika kumpara kay Peters at Shertzer… sumalangit nawa sila…

At ano naman ang ginagawa ng isang Guidance Counselor na kagaya ko? Common sense… natural, ako ay nag-ga-guide at nagka-counseling. Duh!

Ano nga ba ang qualifications ng isang Guidance Counselor?

Aba dapat maganda siya at cute at matalino kagaya ko… Argh!

Seriously, dapat ang isang Counselor maliban sa nakapagtapos ka sa apat na taong kurso sa Sikolohiya (Psychology) either BS or AB o Baccalaureate Degree sa Guidance and Counseling, dapat ay mayroon din siyang Master's Degree sa Counseling in Psychology or Guidance and Counseling, and later on magkaroon dapat ng field of specialization. Kung ano man iyon, sabihin ko na lang kapag nag-decide ka nang kumuha ng BS/AB Psychology or AB/BS in Guidance and Counseling at mag-confirm bilang Guidance Counselor.

Dahil kapag Psychology graduate ka, marami kang puwedeng puntahan… educational, industrial, vocational, correctional, mental hospital, clinical o canal (uhm… corny, eh!).

Mabalik tayo sa pagiging Guidance Counselor, tama ang nabasa ninyo mga katoto… kapag naka-graduate ka na ng apat na taon mo sa kolehiyo at inaakala mo na makakapagtrabaho ka na as a Guidance Counselor, aba'y nagkakamali kayo. Magtiyaga muna kayo bilang Individual Inventory Officer, Testing Officer o Psychometrician, Follow-up Officer, etc… dahil tulad ng sinabi ko, dapat may MA degree ka muna bago ka makapag-take ng board exam at malisensiyahan kapag naipasa mo ito… at PRESTO!... maaari mo nang i-claim sa worldwideweb na isa kang pinagkakapitagang Guidance Counselor… tulad ng ginagawa ko…

Am I a licensed Guidance Counselor? Soon to be… I am dahil with flying colors, ipapasa ko ang letseng board na iyan (yabang bah?!). Di pa lang kasi nila natatapos gawin ang board exam na magbabagsak sa inyong lingkod. Contradicting statement, eh! Ugh!

Sapagkat ang RA 9258 o ang Guidance and Counseling Act of 2004 dito sa Philippines ay di pa buong nai-implement. According to the PGCA, ang IRR ay may dalawang taon pa bago tuluyang mapasinayaan.

At ako, si Maria sa kasamaang-palad kahit nakapagtapos na ng Masters Degree in Guidance and Counseling at nag-Best Thesis sa buong probinsiya at magsi-siyam na taon nang Guidance Counselor ay di pa rin napabilang sa Grandfather's Clause – will be licensed without taking the board dahil ako ay napag-alamang nagkukunwaring matalino at ubooooooood ng bait.

Do you have further questions or clarifications regarding Psychology and Guidance and Counseling?

Kung gusto mong malinawan, e-mail me folks! This is an interactive blogsite… you ask me questions and I'll answer you as honestly and accurately as possible… if I can at wala akong topak kapag nabasa ko ang mga katanungan ninyo…

So………………………..…….. hope to hear from you………...............................................……

Kahapon ihinatid namin sa kanyang huling hantungan si PJ. Dapat kahapon ako maglalahad ng aking kuwento, pero aside from the fact that a funeral is emotionally draining, physically exhausted din ako, kami sa layo ng Everlasting Memorial Cemetery dahil sa dulo na yata ito ng Tuba, Benguet. With all the rough roads and slopes going up and down, winding here and there. Pero no regrets, dahil at least, I paid respect to the remains of the man who has been a part of my life, even for a short period of time (kung short pa bang matatawag ang almost three years).

I have a lot of fond, unforgettable and painful experiences of him, but I choose to seal them with the poems I wrote for him. Not just respect for his memories but also respect to my husband and kids. But I am not ignoring the fact that I have learned a lot from him in terms of maturity in handling a relationship.

Mabalik ako sa aking kuwento nang malaman kong may sakit siya – Hodgkin's Lymphoma. My immediate reaction was, "CANCER… like my mother". The last time we talked before his diagnosis was last December, during a seminar at the Graduate College we are both enrolled in. Kinumusta niya ako at ang aking mga anak. Pinansin ko ang kanyang pamamayat. At nasabi niya na malapit na raw siyang mamatay. "Huwa g kang magbiro ng ganyang", sabi ko. Ngunit pakiwari ko'y walang halong biro ang kanyang sinabi. Ipinagkibit-balikat ko ang lahat.

January when our common friends, the counselors in La Union confirmed that he is heading to Manila para magpagamot. May big C nga siya. Nang nasa Manila siya for his chemotherapy and radiotherapy, he texted. He said he got my number from another counselor. Humihingi siya ng kapatawaran sa lahat daw ng nagawa niyang kasalanan at pagkakamali at pagkukulang sa akin. I forgave him.

Ang lahat ng ito ay hindi lingid sa aking hubby. I think this is one thing I appreciate so much with Ronald. He is not only very loving and patient. He is very supportive and understanding. Sabi ko nga lagi, bonus na lang ang gandang-lalaki ng aking asawa dahil sa ubod na siya ng bait, wala pa siyang bisyo, liban sa pagkain at pang-aasar sa akin.

Mayo na noon nang makatanggap akong muli ng text message niya, sabi, he is back in baguio at medyo di bumubuti ang kalagayan niya. Then Jing texted me, too. Asking if I could go with other batchmates sa bahay nila para dumalaw. Ni hindi na daw makakain si PJ. Just a cup of Ensure a day. Hindi makabangon. Ni hindi makahawak ng kubyertos. The plan was Saturday. "But I have classes", I said. "I am going to PRC though this week. Depende kung maaga akong matatapos. Maaari akong makadalaw."

While at the PRC, I texted Macel kung free siya. Unfortunately, she was back in Dagupan. After making pila ng pagkahaba-haba nang walang napapala sa PRC, I texted Jing, telling her I'm done with my PRC stuff. She suggested I better visit PJ before it's too late. So I did.

Nagulat ako sa aking naratnan. He was skinny. Thinner than Mama. There was continuous excretion coming out from his nose. Medyo may amoy. His eyes bulging. Face deformed.

Nang maka-usap namin ang kanyang ina, nag-iyakan kami. Nang makaharap namin si PJ at maka-usap, we pretended strong. Jing was encouraging him to eat. Magpalakas for the sake of Rosevie who has been so lovingly caring and patient in taking good care of him. Loving him regardless of his condition. He said he will.

I learned that after our visit, lumakas siya. Nakakain. Actually, nakapag-drive pa raw siya to La Union, alone. But that was the last time because after that, he had an infection na tuluyang nagpahina sa kanya.

Last Monday, while we were having a break at the Guidance Office, I smelled some unexplained foul smell. I was searching for the culprit like hell. Pati pagkain ko inamoy-amoy. Lahat ng sulok ng office. Apti cubicle ni Arleen ay pinagdiskitahan ko dahil iba ang amoy na umaalingasaw. Sabi ng mga kasama ko, wala naman daw silang naaamoy. Then I ignored the smell. Nawala rin. At nawala na ito sa aking isip. After thirty minutes or so, while finishing my module in RHGP, I received a call from Jing. She was frantic and crying. Di ko siya gaanong maintindihan. Ang tanging naaalala ko lang ay nang sabihin niyang, "Si PJ friend, wala na. iniwan na niya tayo." Then we both cried. At first I was emotionless, speechless and motionless. Then I remembered the foul smell. It was him. Indeed him. Visiting me. paying a visit before he would totally leave this realm.

Thursday… kahapon nga ay ihinatid namin siya sa kanyang huling hantungan. 8:00 am nang marating namin ang Baguio. Kasama kong bumiyahe sina Arleen at Angie, my co-counselors. Kasama rin sina Claudia, Maureen, Risa at Cathy.  Sa loob ng La Funeraria Paz, di ako maka-iyak. Ni isang patak ng luha nang Makita ko si PJ sa kanyang himlayan. Bakit kanyo? Kasi di ko mapag-reconcile na siya nga ang lalaking nasa loob ng kabaong. Hindi dahil sa hindi ako naniniwalang patay na siya kundi dahil walang traces of PJ na mababanaag mo sa mukha ng nasa loob ng kabaong. Payat. Ast in totally skinny. Anliit ng mukha niya. Parang maliit lamang na mangkok. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, "Thank you Lord at kinuha mo na siya at di na nagtagal pa ang paghihirap niya." Selfish mang matatawag ang ganoon. Basta ganoon ang naramdaman ko. I'm sure pati si nanay na nakikita siyang naghihirap ay gayundin ang kanyang ihihiling sa Panginoon.

Kinuwentuhan ako ng ina ni PJ at kapatid. Ipinaramdam sa akin ang init ng pagtanggap ng isang ina at kapamilya sa kanyang anak. Sabi pa niya, kapag nadalaw daw ako ng Baguio, daanan ko daw siya. Kahit doon sa bahay nila magpalipas ng gabi kasama ang aking pamilya. Dalawa lamang silang magkapatid. Namatay na rin ang kanilang ama. Dalawa na lamang silang magkakasama. Si Jo, ang asaw ni Daniel din pala at ang kanilang magiging supling na ipapanganak sa September, ang buwan ng kapanganakan din ni PJ. PJ rind aw ang kanilang ipapangalan dito. At siyempre, si Rosevie, ang iniwang kasintahan ni PJ.

Nandoon ang lahat ng "Hagibis", sina Jing, Edel, Rose Ann, Cheryl, Ruby, Hazel, Camps, kuya Jojit at mga familiar faces na di ko kakilala. Si Jeff nagbiyahe ng gabi, nakipaglamay at umuwi rin lang ng madaling araw. Di na nakipaglibing. Gayundin si Kate. Pero dumalaw ng gabi. Di nga lang dinungaw si PJ dahil gusto daw i-preserve sa alaala ang dating mukha niya at hindi ang distorted one. Ang kanyang eulogy ay di ko rin iniyakan. Umiyak na lamang ako nang humagulgol ang kanyang ina. Naramdaman ko ang sakit at hapdi ng mawalang ng minamahal. Mantakin mo ba naming magkasunod na namayapa ang aking mga magulang. Akala ko nga noong una, lalo nang mapansin kong umiiyak na ang aking mga katabi, "Immuned na ba ako sa sakit at bakit di ako maiyak?" Pero hindi, ang sakit ay nasa aking kaibuturan. Ang sakit ng isang taong mawalan ng minamahal. Don't get me wrong though. Masakit din sa aking maagang binawian ng buhay si PJ dahil tulad ng nasabi ko, parte siya ng buhay ko. Pero ang sakit, sa aking pagmumuni-muni ay mula sa alaala ng isang anak sa kanyang ina at ama. Maagang nawalay sa mga magulang. Ang aking sakit ay ang sakit na nararamdaman ng ina ni PJ na mawalan ng pinakamamahal na anak.

Ang pinaglibingan nga ay sa sulok ng Tuba. Masaya naming binalikan ang mga alaala noong college sa loob ng van. Animo'y tanggap na nang lahat na ang kamatayan ay parte ng bawat nilalang. Kanya-kanya lamang tayo ng paraan at pana-panahon lamang. Ika nga ni Nash, "It's better this way." Pang-aalo daw niya.

Sa iyo PJ, may you find the everlasting peace and happiness you seem to have not found in this lifetime. I know God will show you the way through that happiness. Huwag mo na akong dalawin, pleeeeeaaaaassssssssssse! Intercede for our safety and happiness na lang, Choy!!! Kita-kits na lang kapag dumating na ang aming oras…