Kahapon ihinatid namin sa kanyang huling hantungan si PJ. Dapat kahapon ako maglalahad ng aking kuwento, pero aside from the fact that a funeral is emotionally draining, physically exhausted din ako, kami sa layo ng Everlasting Memorial Cemetery dahil sa dulo na yata ito ng Tuba, Benguet. With all the rough roads and slopes going up and down, winding here and there. Pero no regrets, dahil at least, I paid respect to the remains of the man who has been a part of my life, even for a short period of time (kung short pa bang matatawag ang almost three years).

I have a lot of fond, unforgettable and painful experiences of him, but I choose to seal them with the poems I wrote for him. Not just respect for his memories but also respect to my husband and kids. But I am not ignoring the fact that I have learned a lot from him in terms of maturity in handling a relationship.

Mabalik ako sa aking kuwento nang malaman kong may sakit siya – Hodgkin's Lymphoma. My immediate reaction was, "CANCER… like my mother". The last time we talked before his diagnosis was last December, during a seminar at the Graduate College we are both enrolled in. Kinumusta niya ako at ang aking mga anak. Pinansin ko ang kanyang pamamayat. At nasabi niya na malapit na raw siyang mamatay. "Huwa g kang magbiro ng ganyang", sabi ko. Ngunit pakiwari ko'y walang halong biro ang kanyang sinabi. Ipinagkibit-balikat ko ang lahat.

January when our common friends, the counselors in La Union confirmed that he is heading to Manila para magpagamot. May big C nga siya. Nang nasa Manila siya for his chemotherapy and radiotherapy, he texted. He said he got my number from another counselor. Humihingi siya ng kapatawaran sa lahat daw ng nagawa niyang kasalanan at pagkakamali at pagkukulang sa akin. I forgave him.

Ang lahat ng ito ay hindi lingid sa aking hubby. I think this is one thing I appreciate so much with Ronald. He is not only very loving and patient. He is very supportive and understanding. Sabi ko nga lagi, bonus na lang ang gandang-lalaki ng aking asawa dahil sa ubod na siya ng bait, wala pa siyang bisyo, liban sa pagkain at pang-aasar sa akin.

Mayo na noon nang makatanggap akong muli ng text message niya, sabi, he is back in baguio at medyo di bumubuti ang kalagayan niya. Then Jing texted me, too. Asking if I could go with other batchmates sa bahay nila para dumalaw. Ni hindi na daw makakain si PJ. Just a cup of Ensure a day. Hindi makabangon. Ni hindi makahawak ng kubyertos. The plan was Saturday. "But I have classes", I said. "I am going to PRC though this week. Depende kung maaga akong matatapos. Maaari akong makadalaw."

While at the PRC, I texted Macel kung free siya. Unfortunately, she was back in Dagupan. After making pila ng pagkahaba-haba nang walang napapala sa PRC, I texted Jing, telling her I'm done with my PRC stuff. She suggested I better visit PJ before it's too late. So I did.

Nagulat ako sa aking naratnan. He was skinny. Thinner than Mama. There was continuous excretion coming out from his nose. Medyo may amoy. His eyes bulging. Face deformed.

Nang maka-usap namin ang kanyang ina, nag-iyakan kami. Nang makaharap namin si PJ at maka-usap, we pretended strong. Jing was encouraging him to eat. Magpalakas for the sake of Rosevie who has been so lovingly caring and patient in taking good care of him. Loving him regardless of his condition. He said he will.

I learned that after our visit, lumakas siya. Nakakain. Actually, nakapag-drive pa raw siya to La Union, alone. But that was the last time because after that, he had an infection na tuluyang nagpahina sa kanya.

Last Monday, while we were having a break at the Guidance Office, I smelled some unexplained foul smell. I was searching for the culprit like hell. Pati pagkain ko inamoy-amoy. Lahat ng sulok ng office. Apti cubicle ni Arleen ay pinagdiskitahan ko dahil iba ang amoy na umaalingasaw. Sabi ng mga kasama ko, wala naman daw silang naaamoy. Then I ignored the smell. Nawala rin. At nawala na ito sa aking isip. After thirty minutes or so, while finishing my module in RHGP, I received a call from Jing. She was frantic and crying. Di ko siya gaanong maintindihan. Ang tanging naaalala ko lang ay nang sabihin niyang, "Si PJ friend, wala na. iniwan na niya tayo." Then we both cried. At first I was emotionless, speechless and motionless. Then I remembered the foul smell. It was him. Indeed him. Visiting me. paying a visit before he would totally leave this realm.

Thursday… kahapon nga ay ihinatid namin siya sa kanyang huling hantungan. 8:00 am nang marating namin ang Baguio. Kasama kong bumiyahe sina Arleen at Angie, my co-counselors. Kasama rin sina Claudia, Maureen, Risa at Cathy.  Sa loob ng La Funeraria Paz, di ako maka-iyak. Ni isang patak ng luha nang Makita ko si PJ sa kanyang himlayan. Bakit kanyo? Kasi di ko mapag-reconcile na siya nga ang lalaking nasa loob ng kabaong. Hindi dahil sa hindi ako naniniwalang patay na siya kundi dahil walang traces of PJ na mababanaag mo sa mukha ng nasa loob ng kabaong. Payat. Ast in totally skinny. Anliit ng mukha niya. Parang maliit lamang na mangkok. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, "Thank you Lord at kinuha mo na siya at di na nagtagal pa ang paghihirap niya." Selfish mang matatawag ang ganoon. Basta ganoon ang naramdaman ko. I'm sure pati si nanay na nakikita siyang naghihirap ay gayundin ang kanyang ihihiling sa Panginoon.

Kinuwentuhan ako ng ina ni PJ at kapatid. Ipinaramdam sa akin ang init ng pagtanggap ng isang ina at kapamilya sa kanyang anak. Sabi pa niya, kapag nadalaw daw ako ng Baguio, daanan ko daw siya. Kahit doon sa bahay nila magpalipas ng gabi kasama ang aking pamilya. Dalawa lamang silang magkapatid. Namatay na rin ang kanilang ama. Dalawa na lamang silang magkakasama. Si Jo, ang asaw ni Daniel din pala at ang kanilang magiging supling na ipapanganak sa September, ang buwan ng kapanganakan din ni PJ. PJ rind aw ang kanilang ipapangalan dito. At siyempre, si Rosevie, ang iniwang kasintahan ni PJ.

Nandoon ang lahat ng "Hagibis", sina Jing, Edel, Rose Ann, Cheryl, Ruby, Hazel, Camps, kuya Jojit at mga familiar faces na di ko kakilala. Si Jeff nagbiyahe ng gabi, nakipaglamay at umuwi rin lang ng madaling araw. Di na nakipaglibing. Gayundin si Kate. Pero dumalaw ng gabi. Di nga lang dinungaw si PJ dahil gusto daw i-preserve sa alaala ang dating mukha niya at hindi ang distorted one. Ang kanyang eulogy ay di ko rin iniyakan. Umiyak na lamang ako nang humagulgol ang kanyang ina. Naramdaman ko ang sakit at hapdi ng mawalang ng minamahal. Mantakin mo ba naming magkasunod na namayapa ang aking mga magulang. Akala ko nga noong una, lalo nang mapansin kong umiiyak na ang aking mga katabi, "Immuned na ba ako sa sakit at bakit di ako maiyak?" Pero hindi, ang sakit ay nasa aking kaibuturan. Ang sakit ng isang taong mawalan ng minamahal. Don't get me wrong though. Masakit din sa aking maagang binawian ng buhay si PJ dahil tulad ng nasabi ko, parte siya ng buhay ko. Pero ang sakit, sa aking pagmumuni-muni ay mula sa alaala ng isang anak sa kanyang ina at ama. Maagang nawalay sa mga magulang. Ang aking sakit ay ang sakit na nararamdaman ng ina ni PJ na mawalan ng pinakamamahal na anak.

Ang pinaglibingan nga ay sa sulok ng Tuba. Masaya naming binalikan ang mga alaala noong college sa loob ng van. Animo'y tanggap na nang lahat na ang kamatayan ay parte ng bawat nilalang. Kanya-kanya lamang tayo ng paraan at pana-panahon lamang. Ika nga ni Nash, "It's better this way." Pang-aalo daw niya.

Sa iyo PJ, may you find the everlasting peace and happiness you seem to have not found in this lifetime. I know God will show you the way through that happiness. Huwag mo na akong dalawin, pleeeeeaaaaassssssssssse! Intercede for our safety and happiness na lang, Choy!!! Kita-kits na lang kapag dumating na ang aming oras…

“I love him!”, was her only utterance
when asked by most
why she remained beside him
regardless of his condition
that seemed hopeless.

Her patience tested beyond endurance
the cruelty of cancer
became her friend
the obnoxious smell
perfumed her sanity with hope.

“I love him!”, was all her answer
resting his head on her lap
was her refuge in mourning
for he is now gone forever
but her love remained… unshaken.

To Rosevie, his beloved – the last Rose in his life.

I don’t want to remember you
with vile words spoken
hurting each other… terribly;
but with the red roses
and love letters carefully tucked
under my pillow…then.

I don’t want to remember you
with the irreconcilable differences;
but with white roses
and whispered sweet nothings
after every fight.

I don’t want to remember you
with the broken dreams of forever;
but with the peach roses
every weekend that found its home
in the comforts of my room.

I don’t want to remember you
with the unbendable pride and lies
that drew us apart;
but with the pink roses
you told me I am – faint in color
but struck you with a blow.

I don’t want to remember you
with the night we broke up;
but with the yellow roses
you brought me a day after;
not with drooped shoulders
when you left,
but with the spirit
when you won my heart;
not with the tears welling from your eyes
but with the laughter
that echoed when I accepted your love;
not with the skinny frail-looking man
but with the strength and enthusiasm
you shared with people.

I want to remember you
from this moment onward
as a memory of a special angel
who once swept me off my feet
and roses of every hue.

Goodbye dear angel!
Farewell to you!
Take your destined place
in the loving arms of our Creator…

Saw those deep penetrating eyes
for the last time
now recalling in my memory
a hundred times
as I close my eyes.

They were staring at me
dearly… lovingly
wanting to get some attention
amidst a stack of thoughts
and feelings of yesteryears.

He held my hand
for the last time
coldness shivering within
like steel burrowed in ice
for the longest moment of a lifetime.

He darted those eyes
to my farthest direction
trying to trace the love once there
but saw none… some care
and pity for this man.

Saw those eyes closed forever
now they will only stare at me
in my dreams
in my memory
when I close my eyes.

In memory of the man whose eyes stared at me lovingly.
Eternal rest grant unto him, oh Lord
And let perpetual light shine upon him
May he rest in peace.
Amen.

Almost a century’s old
Her voice still soft like the breeze
Her words gentle like the stars
Calming like the night
Healing wounded souls like mine;
Her touch light as feather
Can revived a damned spirit
To enlightened beings like I.

Almost a century’s old
She recalls me her child
Drawn not from her womb
But within her faithful heart,
She whispered my name she gave
“The most precious union”, she said,
“Mary, Joseph and their Celestial guide”.

Almost a century’s old
Her prayers powerful as ever
Angels withdrew her from death
The Mother held her dearly
A fragile body but sturdy soul
For her cup has more to fill
Her staff more sheep to bring home.

Almost a century’s old
She’s back in her haven
A convent without walls
Only windows and doors
And bridges over slope;
Her prayer powerful as ever
Praying for constellations to unfold.

To Mother Alexis of Mary Consolatrix Convent

Di ba sabi ko depressed ako. Siguro dahil puro malulungkot ang mga balitang umaabot sa aking pandinig.

Una, ang nanay ni Ate Em labas-masok sa hospital. Laging muntik-muntikang mamatay ayon sa mga pinapakita niyang symptoms (in comparison to what I have experienced with my mother when she was suffering in her deathbed). Iyak ng iyak si Ate Em. Natural nakiki-iyak din ako. I know the feeling, the pain of losing a mother really really dear to you. Buntis pa siya. Di ba nakaka-freak out iyon. I was also pregnant with bea when Mama was diagnosed to have cancer and the doctor bluntly told me that she has only six months to live. Namputsa! Very caring kung minsan ang mga doctor. Wala ba silang subject on Counseling techniques para mas subtle ng konti ang pagbibitaw nila ng kanilang mga diagnosis.

Pangalawa, si Mother Alexis na isa sa mga tumayong ina-inahan ko noong baby pa ako. Siya rin ang nagbigay ng aking napakagandang pangalan. Napakahaba man. "Mary Josephine Celeste" pa nga dapat ang pangalan ko. The blessed union of Mary and Joseph together with the brightest Celestial body that served as their light and the shephereds and the three kings guide para matunton nila ang kinaroroonan ni Jesus, the baby. Pero naawa ang aking ama. Kumontra o sadyang nakalimutan lang at ang kanyang ipinalista sa hospital ay "Mary Jocelyn" na lang. At least "Mar-Jo-Cel" nakuha niya kundi lagot siya kay Mother Alexis. Disappointed nga daw si Mother noong binyag ko. Pilit pang iniiba kaso she pitied on me kapag naglakad pa ako ng affidavit kapag nangailangan akong magsubmit ng kung anu-anong kapapelan in my later life.

Kuwento ni Mama, noong nasa loob pa ako ng tiyan niya, pinagmamano na ako nina Mother. Haplos lagi ang tiyan ni Mama. Ipinagdarasal na nawa'y magmadre ako paglaki ko. Hayun, I'm now a Mother like her -- I'm a mother to my two lovely chikitings. Noon pa nga raw baby ako, kapag iniiwan ako ni Mama sa kanila at inabutan ako ng oras ng kanilang pagdarasal, inaalay nila ako sa tabernacle. Parang ako ang dinadasalan. Hahahahaha!!! At naaalala ko kapag birthday ko, taun-taon iyan... walang paltos, lagi nila akong ipinagbe-bake ng cake. Last cake nga na ipinadala nila ay noong kasal namin ng aking hubby baby. Napurnada na kasi ang pagmamadre ko kaya na-boycott pati cake ko.

At nang malaman ko nga na ooperahan siya at the age of 94, muntik na akong mahimatay. Iyak ako ng iyak noong unang dalaw ko. Para akong lukreng. Tapos ang Mother, paglapit ko sa bed niya sabi ba naman, "Marjocel, my baby in Caba." Sabay bless at pray over niya sa akin. Mantakin mo!

My poem ako para sa kanya. Refer to Mangoes, Bamboos and Poems. Marami pa akong kuwento sa kanya, next time na lang ulit.

Gayundin ang isa ko pang ikinalulungkot... paki-refer na lang din sa Mangoes, Bamboos and Poems:

1. Memories of His Penetrating Eyes

2. Roses and an Angel

3. The Last Rose in His Life

This is all about a man who has been a part of my life... my past. And now, he has left this realm. Ang buong kuwento, gawin ko na lang kapag medyo okay na ako.

I'm emotionally loaded!

Got stuck in my swivel chair. Unmoving.  Kung puwede lang sana, stop breathing na lang… for a while. Balikan ko later ang aking hininga para maka-uwi din ako sa aking mga anghel.

Why all these feelings?

Let me relate to you why…

But first, let me call this CABAnata my CABAnatang Paningit 1.

Paningit? From the root word singit. Hindi ang maitim na nakapagitan sa dalawang hita pero singit… as in, "Puwedeng umurong ka at sisingit ako?" Ganooooooon!

Kasi isisingit ko siya habang naka-Rewind ako. Parang dobleng paningit pero dahiltinawag ko nang CABAnata Rewind ang mga nauna ko nang naisingit, ngayon CABAnatang Paningit na lang. Understood?

If not… get some sleep!

Well, my story began when a teacher-friend called me up and told me she has to talk to me because there is some serious case she wanna refer to me for counseling. Pauna pa niya, "Friend,I know you are the counselor in charge for first year high school students and my son is in third year. But during your orientation you also said that you are the Special Case Counselor for this year…."

Well… how special is a special case counselor? I'll count the ways later. Emote muna ako. Okey!

My friend continues, "Sana hindi na lang ako nagtanong para wala akong problema sa ngayon. Namputsa! Papuntahin ko na lang sa iyo iyong bata at bahala ka nang alamin ang kaso niya."

Then the intercom died a natural death.

The kid came. A transferee. Tall, dark, good looking.

Ah! Alam ko na ang case nito. Cubicle tayo.

WHAAAAAAAT?!!??

That was my reaction when he opened up to me.

Recess. I called my friend at the faculty room. Bungad ko, "Tang-inis, akala ko friends tayo? Bakit mo ipinasa sa akin? Ganyan ka ba magpakita ng pagmamahal?"

Then laughter echoed… for a while… because after my stressful laugh, I cried a river. I called for the kid's mother.

When I saw her coming, I remembered another wounded kid… the kid's younger sister who also was my counselee two-three years ago. Same case. Morality issue. It pained me more when I learned she is now pregnant. Unmarried. Unfinished in high school. Her brother, now my counselee. Saw the same pain when I let her go. When the school gave their final judgment. "Follow the BSG Jo." they said. How can I do that when I'm a counselor and a SPED tutor-teacher?

Emotional stability… I don't have that at the moment. I'm loaded!

If you think, this is all… wait until I tell you all the other source of my depression…

Dear Marjo

Sino na nga ulit ang focus ng aking CABAnata Rewind ngayong araw na ito?

Well... as a matter of fact, I no longer have personal contacts with these two women. But I swear I would do everything to find out where they are. And so I make this announcement official: PAKIHANAP NAMAN PO ANG DALAWANG KAIBIGAN KONG ITO!!!

TERESA ANNE T. ABOY (noong dalaga... ewan ko po ngayon kung ano na ang apelyido niya... kung nagkatuluyan po ba sila ng kanyang PMA'er na bf. Ang kanilang tahanan kung di pa sila nakakalipat ay sa may rotonda pababa ng Aurora Hill, corner of Honeymoon Road sa baba ng Perfecto Building ng SLU.)

KARISSA VERA (as usual noong dalaga rin ito ang apelyido niya... sa may Lourdes Grotto ang way ng bahay nila, red ang bubongan at may under the staircase na room kung saan sana ako titira noon para lagi na kaming magkasama pero dahil sa hika ko ay umatras dahil masyadong malayo.)

These two ladies spiced up my then boring life so they say kasi daw super ang pagka-manang ko kahit may bf ay ni wala akong kaartehan sa katawan... in terms of pananamit, pag-carry sa sarili at higit sa lahat... mukha talaga akong probinsiyanang aanga-anga.

In short, pinag-eksperimentuhan ako ng dalawang mahaderang ito. Mula sa pina-iksi nilang skirt ko hanggang sa pinataas na takong ng sapatos at pinakulayang labi at blushing cheeks, talagang in-overhaul nila ang aking wardrobe at looks. From pigtails to ponytails with feminine ribbons at light hues na girlalu outfits. Para akong timang na sunod sa nais ng mga itech. Buti na lang ever generous si Issa at ang kanyang mga inayawan nang outfits ay ihinagis na lang sa aking closet. At presto! New set of damititis na akich.

Kung kami nina Vanessa ay kainan ever, iba naman ang naging trip ng inyong lingkod nang sina Tata na at Issa ang naging kaulayaw ko.

Una: Aside from the pa-girl trainings na ginawa nila sa akin, tinuruan din nila akong sumayaw. In fairness, effort to the max talaga ang mga hitad. But thanks to my left-toed feet, I never learned from them. EVER!!!

Pangalawa: Dahil wala silang magawa para maturuan nila akong sumayaw kahit ilan pang Acquaintance Party at Tribute sa Psyche Society ang daluhan namin, talagang ayaw sumabay ang aking mga paa... kaya ang singing voice ko naman ang pinagdiskitahan nila. At sa hinaba-haba man daw ng prosesyon, sa katotohanan din ang tuloy... Again, they failed in their mission. Can I sing? Of course I can. I just can't sing to the tune of the song and its beat. Gets mo???

Pangatlo: Ito na... dahil di nila ako maturuang sumayaw at kumanta, ginawa na lang nila akong dakilang taga-kinig sa kangangawa nila hanggang alas-tres ng madaling araw. Mantakin mo, wala na akong ginawa kundi humikab at mapilitang pumalakpak sa nakakasawang performance ng dalawa. (Halata bang nag-sa-sour-graping lang ako? Urgh!)

Ikaapat: Sweet ang dalawang ito sa totoo lang. Biruin mo, we are together na sa buong maghapon at kung weekends ay magkasama pa rin... either overnight kina Issa o sasama silang umuwi sa akin ng La Union, magsusulat pa iyang mga iyan ng letter. O di ba kakaiba ang trip!

Ikalima: Kuwentuhang umaatikabo. Di lang sa kanta nila matutulili ang tenga mo kundi magkakakulili ka pa sa tenga sa haba ng kuwentuhan namin. Maghapon, magdamag walang tuluuuuuuuuuugan!!!

Ikaanim: Wala lang, maglakad-lakad lang. And I remember one time when we were walking to the beach kasi nga walking distance lang ang bahay namin sa CABA patungong dagat, lalakarin mo lang naman ay ekta-ektaryang lupain na natatamnan ng sandamakmak na tabako o palay na mangangati ka talaga kapag di ka naligo agad-agad dahil madadaanan mo ang kanilang mga ini-excrete na itchy something... Basta that time ay namumulaklak ang mga tabako sa both sideways ng dinaraanan namin. At ang Karissa in all her beauty ay nagtanong, "Is that a cauliflower or something?"

Hahahahahahahahaha!!! Di mamatay-matay ang tawanan naming tatlo nang ma-realize niya in her hidden wit na na-tangek siya sa kanyang katanungan.

Then again when we Mama was serving dinner. Nagluto si Mama ng ubod ng kawayan at ginawang ensalada. Bumanat na naman po itong Issang sosyalera, "Is this cheese or something?"

Nyahahahahahahahahaha!!! Tata was really close to hysterics.

Basta masaya ang kasama ang dalawang kaibigan kong ito. Tata in all her femininity and Issa in all her grandeous smile they would sing me:

"I know your eyes in the morning sun. I feel you touch me in the falling rain. Hhhmmmmmm... Hhhhmmmmmmm... wander far from me... until I see you in my arms again..."

Basta ganoon iyong kanta, kung alam niyo ang tamang lyrics, paki-email na lang sa akin please... O di ba, pati sa blog na i-encode ko na nga lang ang lyrics ay di ko pa matantiya... lalo pa kaya kapag kumanta na ako. Duh!

Chapter II: Do not regret this life because of me.

She spoke those strong words and I pushed them back just as hard. I was in my usual cold self when a hand grabbed my arms and it was pitch black when I heard her whisper those words; words that were alien to me in a long while. I couldn't see her face. Her fingers are frigid and small; almost as small as a child's. Her face was obscured by my blurred vision from sleeping the last 3 ½ weeks in that sanctuary of mine. How dare her disturb me like that, in my peaceful box filled of shards of broken glass and reeks of piss and vomit. My knees are wobbly and shaking but she just pulled me and ran like the devil was chasing us. She's crazy, I guess.

I dropped the blade! Fuck it! …the only link of my past to where I am in this God-forsaken place. I dropped on all force into the ice-cold floor. I searched blindly for my blade. I cannot lose it… I cannot lose my past… Without it, I will lose my future…

She pushed me outside into this blinding light and the scorching heat. I felt sharp grass grazing my entire body. She spat words I haven't heard of. It's like she's speaking in an entirely different language. I can feel her body close to mine. Her bare breasts pressing against my wounded back. I can feel the heat of her breath close to my lips; pressing hard; caressing my tongue. She spoke of promises that almost sound like lies. Lies came cheap, for her, I suppose. What with all her past ahead of her. Her past which stares at us with an evil smirk. Oh, how I wanted to wipe that devil-may-care smirk off his freaking face!

She thought I didn't know her. She just realized how mistaken she was. I goddamn knew.

I was laughing now. Payback is my bitch. She flirted with disaster, now disaster's gonna take her on a dinner date. She was taken aback by my sudden arrogance. She's talking of words I now understood.

Her words speak of truth. "I used to reach for you when I got lost along the way. I used to listen like you always had just the right thing to say. I used to lean on you like the only other choice was falling down. We used to breathe without a doubt. Look around you, it's empty and you're sad because you miss the love that we had."

I told you, lies came cheap for this lady. I couldn't believe even a single word. And every word she spoke that I couldn't believe, tears her flesh from her soft body. She started to sob. Still, I couldn't believe her when she said she loves me. For I couldn't believe there's such a thing called Love. I have never believed such thing exists anymore. Not from this heart, at least; not from this soul; not from this mind. She continued to break like a broken vase. With it, her soul escapes from the cracks of her body. It is my only way to hurt her and punish her for the hurt and punishment she inflicted me.

She was most fragile. Her hair so soft as the clouds. Her eyes reflect of naiveté. I witnessed the air flow out of those body parts. I just stood there, not knowing what to do. I could've pulled her body close to mine. I could've whispered her words that beam of beautiful promises of her favorite daisies; of spring time; of chasing thoroughbreds; of lying on tall grasses; of bathing in the rain; of holding hands and finally of sweet kisses. But I couldn't. If only I could give her the only missing part in her now lifeless body – a heart that loved… a heart that healed her from her banged-up past.

What can I say besides I am sorry? What can I wait besides tomorrow? What can I say to save her life?

I reached out for my pocket and took out my Heart I have been saving for the only woman I could love for the last time. I reached out for my sleeve for the Life I can only give to the woman I am willing to commit my entire lifetime. Finally, I went back into the nothingness of the empty box to pick up the only word I have long since forgotten; the one she spoke when she first grabbed my arms; the one word I pushed back as hard as I could muster; the one word I almost could not grasp.

I took them all outside into the field where she now laid, lifeless as a stone. I dare not to be not here whence she wakes up. For I don't wanna be alone again, I don't wanna be lifeless again, I don't wanna be broken to shreds again, I don't want her to leave me again, I don't want her lips taken away from mine.

For before I'll let her die, I have to die a million folds.
For she is the breath that makes me breathe.
For she is what my heart beats for.
For she is the only reason my life knows why…